my birthday!!!

So I have been absent for a few days but that has been because I have been so busy. It was birthday yesterday and I had probably the best birthday I have had in a long while. Most of my birthday over the past few years have been horrid as most of those have been spent in hospital! Although I was dreading it because I was turning 25! and I can't tell you how old I feel and it sometimes saddens me when I think of the years wasted because of the ed, but I guess those years have shape the person I am today.

It was the first birthday since I was probably 18 that I felt alive again, like I can see a future ahead of me that for once I am happy. I was amongst friends and for years I have isolated myself where I guess I told myself that I didn't need friends as I had anorexia as a friend well a devil really. Also I felt comfortable in my own body and I felt pretty.

FOr my birthday I went to pizza express where i had one of their allegra pizzas it has a hole in the middle filled with a salad, my pizza contain mozzerella cheese, courgettes, mushrooms, peppers, and I had extra goats cheese. For desert I had a gelato desert with nougat, praline and marsala wine. It was all so nice, I love pizza I should make an effort to eat it more. 


I feel very positive at the moment about my recovery and my future. The ed is very much starting to loosen its grip on me and I feel that I am winning the battle. Today at work I had a meal their for the first time I work in a pub so get 50% of their meals and I had usually been bringing my own in. But I really wanted a roast so had a portabello mushroom and chickpea loaf with veg, stuffing, and 2 huge yorskire puds! I swapped the potatoes for yorksire!!

I have had an all day hangover so not good. however I did try a toffee apple cider.

Eating disorders kill

I wasn't sure whether to write about this or not. But I know people who may read this and whom also battle with  an eating disorder. But yesterday I had the sad news of  a girl that had died because of complications of her anorexia. I knew she was very poorly, and seemed to have little in the way of support. It was only last week we were talking on facebook chat about in-patient support and how it had helped me to get to a better place. I didn't know her very well, we were only connected because she had an eating disorder, buts he was such a sweet sweet girl and didn't deserve to leave this way. She also had a blog. Twenty years old:( what a sad sad loss, she was so young and was doing an open university course. I know she will be grately missed.

It is the shocking reality that eating disorders KILL. I know from being in a very sorry state you never ever think it could happen to you. It was only two years ago that I was in and out on a general ward waiting for a bed at an IP unit and that was the first time it dawned on me that "holy shit, I didn't mean for this to happen". After that moment I chose life.

So I am shouting this out to all who struggle, all who battle to take care of yourself. You only get one life, their is no going back. Recovery is so worth it. I never thought I would be anything but my eating disorder, I never for the life of me thought that I would ever get to go to university or be working and eating what I do now. It has been a struggle at times but so worth it.

Their is no question no pretty picture but to say that those who struggle seek support, their is hope and with hard work their is a life out their for you. I am not claiming to be 100% recovered I am still battling my demons but I believe that one day I will get their.

WIAW-Lasagne baby!!

So my second week doing this.. I actually didn't get to bed till 2.30am last night! I managed to get a lift back with someone and we were chatted to one of the guys on and had a drink and I was up at 8am! I have just had this for brekkie:

old picture sorry but oats with a chopped banana, peanut butter and chocolate powder. My new brekkie staple. 

Lunch will be a goats cheese and ja sandwich bt my dinner will be a creation I made a few days ago when I had more spare time...

 I was actually proud of myself for making this lasagne. It is one of my favourite meals but I have never had it out because its usually made with meat and ladden with lots of cheese. But this one is really healthy made with linda Mcartney veggie mince with lots of vegetables. 

The mince mixture, then of course I have to add marmite to it: (marmite is amazing in tomato based dishes)

Now the finished piece:

Vegetable Lasagne

• Wholewheat lasagne sheets I used about 10
• 200g veggie mince
• vegetables-courgette, onion, carrot, and mushrooms
• 600ml soya milk
• 3tbsp cornflour
• 100g cheese
• can of chopped tomatoes
• 600 ml veggie stock
• marmite-add to desire
• herbs-mixed herbs, parsley, and basil
• 1 tsp oil
• 2tsp tomato puree
• freshly grated nutmeg

Directions

1. I firstly heated the oil and fried of the onion for 5 minutes, I then added the carrots cooked for a further two minutes.

2. Turn up the heat a little then add the veggie  mince. Stir in the stock, tomatoes, puree, and dried herbs (I also added marmite at this point). Bring to the boil, then cover and gently simmer for 45 minutes. 

3. To make the white sauce-mix the cornflour to a smooth paste with a little of the milk. Heat the remaining milk to boiling point, then pour some of it onto the cornflour mixture, stirring. Return this to the milk in the saucepan. Bring to the boil, stirring until the sauce thickens, then simmer for 2 minutes. Stir in the nutmeg and season to taste. 

4. Spoon half the mince mixture over the base of an oven proof dish, cover with a layer of lasagne, then spoon over the remaining meat sauce and cover with another later of pasta then pour over the white sauce to cover the lasagne completely. Finally scatter over the grated cheese and bake in a pre heated oven until the lasagne is bubbling and the top is lightly browned it took about 40 minutes.  

Have another busy day today I have to take my bike in to the repair shop as my chain happened to break! Not good as I had to walk 2 miles with it and will do similar today to take it to the bike shop. 

Up in the hills!

So today I had the most awesome bike ride. Once a week I like to do a hilly route to try and improve my hill climbing and I do feel myself getting stronger which is a mixture of adequate nutrition doing some weights at the gym and a case of practise makes perfect. Today was a good effort as I didn't have to use the front middle cog at all in other words I didn't have to use granny gear:p. I went to Haytor which is close to Dartmoor. 

The part I loved most about where I cycled to today was the scenery below are some pictures that I took on my mobile when I was out: ps the horses may look cute but they can also be quite viscous because their wild!

I did about 30 miles and loved every minute of it all, also did some 1 minute intervals on the flat where was cycling on the hoods and reached speeds of 24mph... so I needed some protein when I got back and tried the     

spiritulim strawberry shake and I wasn't a fan it didn't really mix well. I need to invest in a blender of some point. Think I am going to invest in the magic bullet at some point. After the shake I was ready for some lunch which was a tofu stir fry with wholewheat noodles in a terrayki sauce:

Well I am just of to see my CPN and then start work. I am slightly dreading tonight as  I don't finish until 1am!! and then have to cycle back it's only about 2 and 1/2 miles but I am going to be so tired!

What is everyone's favourite form of exercise and why? I love cycling feeling myself get stronger in the saddle, feel my leg muscles improving, getting better at a certain route and doing it faster. 

Busy day and dietican appointment

So today it feels like I haven't stopped. I have had a very productive day. I started the morning of with something a bit different for me!! My usual oats and chopped banana but this time with the addition of some chocolate powder. Oh my I was in love-seriously why have I never tried this before

well sorry for the bad light in the photo. After brekkie I went to my local gym to my first ever body jam class and my god did I need carbs to get me threw that one! Was very energetic but also good fun. 

Dietitian Appointment

This went okay also, was good to get some advice about y intake when I am working on the bar and as I had a suspicion I do need to be eating more when I am working and she said I need to put my energy requirements higher when doing my BMR of what I need to have daily. She is also very pleased with how I am doing being back at home, working. Especially as she knew me from my days of being admitted at the in patient unit where we had a bit of an hateful relationship well my ed hating her for feeding me lol. But now I have a lot of trust in her and she has been really useful with ways to include fats and suggestions for sources of protein, calcium etc. 

We also chatted about my thoughts of gaining weight and how it will benefit me in having kids, preserving my bone structure which does scare the crap out of me as I have osteoporosis. She said I would need to take in an extra 100-150 calories a day regularly to see an 0.2-0.5 kg increase, I thought it would have been more but guess the weight gain is slow. It has given me "food for thought" excuse the pun. I guess I am scared as to how my body will change. 

So after my appointment I had a look around town and took back some trousers from newlook. I have eaten precisely 8 nectarines today yes 8!! Oh my. I do love my fruit though and they are just so sweet and juicy I have been trying to food budget but is quite hard. This evening I made myself something extra special but I will reveal that for WIAW. 

Any ideas of how to eat healthy as a student?

Coffee's are on me!

So today was my first shift at wetherspoons and I spent the day learning how to do coffee's I already make them at home with my own coffee maker but I heat the milk in the microwave... so now I am also a coffee barsita;) I am a coffee addict myself so already knew all the drinks they do. The rest of the day was spent putting breakfasts and a roast dinners through the till and pulling pints!

For lunch today I made a salmon salad with some buckwheat I got this grain mix that takes 8 minutes it was one of those things that I bought ages ago but forgot about...

This was the salad that I made:

Underneath is a mix of spinach, lettuce leaves, romaine, grated carrot, cucumber and cherry tomatoes.
Followed by these crisps by snapz;

They were okay but not my fav ones think I prefer the beetroot ones they do. The ingredients list is 

• carrot
• Starch syrup (potato) less than 2%
• Dried capsicum extract
• Natural paprika flavour

Today at work one of the managers who are all lovely mentioned about how the apron was miles to big for me and that I needed a smaller shirt they gave me a size ten one. I found quite embarrassed about the fact and very nearly said sorry, in the past I would have loved the attention but I really didn't want it at all I want people to see me as Sarah not as the "thin one" the girl with "issues". I haven't told them about my ed and want to keep in that way I mean if they ask I will tell them as I am not ashamed by having mental health problems. But I don't think I look obviously anorexic I guess cause I know I have been smaller when I was iller and I am now in recovery and trying as hard as I can to beat it. 

Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Whats your favourite coffee if you drink it? I am a soya latte girl

Goats Cheese and Jam sandwich

So I never thought this would go together but it actually did. I have been addicted to goats cheese recently and when I last went out to eat I had this goats cheese and fig relish sandwich I have been trying to hunt down thsi relish for ages but no such luck the cafe said they will order me some in (they go to ashburton to collect it!). 

Anyway this is going to be fairly short and sweet as I shortly have to dash of to work. Last night I really enjoyed my shift, even though when I first came on the bar this guy said to me I look about 11!!! Yes cheers thanks for that:p I actually don't like looking as young as I do I am nearly 25 and people still see me as this young little girl. In the past one of the main triggers of my anorexia was to not look like a women, not be seen as attractive have boobs a womanly figure but now this is not so much the case I don't want to look so child like I guess I should be grateful in that I look so young but even if I could pass for 20 it would be something lol

 I think my shift went better because I had some clue as to where things were and can now properly pull pints lol! It was really nice to be in a social job and be able to interact with others and not feel quite so anxious as I have been in the past which will help me with uni. I also ate more than I did before my shift yesterday and that really helped had some lush  food doctor nuts the roasted bean mix with my goats cheese and jam sarnie coupled with an apple and a nakd berry bar, I love picnic style food!

I really can't wait to go:D:D and I will be able to transfer to the one in Bournemouth.

I am feeling a lot more like my old self again, although I am still counting what I am eating I am not obsessing over it I don't have time for it and I hate doing it. Bring on life fly away ed!!

Any other guys at uni? How did you find your first year with money, social life? 

I don't think I can listen to my body:(

So I am hoping this isn't too much of a depression negative post. But for the past few weeks I have not been calorie counting and trying to listen to my body more and it has been going okay but I am finding it really challenging.

For instance this morning I woke up really weak and lethargic, really hungry too and I know it was because I didn't eat as much as what I should have done after my long ride and then on my feet for working for 10 hours.

 I think I need to know daily amounts more. I have a dietician appointment on Monday and I am going to speak to her more about this cause although I don;t want to obsess over calories I am not at the stage where I can eat what I want and not freak out cause I find when I do it triggers me to  well I am not going to say what but its not a healthy thing to do. So I am hoping after a few weeks of working out my BMR needs I will be able to listen to my body more.

It's just so hard at times challenging the negative thoughts that the ed gives me and although most of the time I am winning that battle I just so badly want the ed gone...

But in the end this means gaining to a healthy weight. I worry a lot about my bones, my period, I am nearly 25 and that thought is terrifying how many years I have possibly missed out on but I guess I can't dwindle on the past but focus on the future. 

So in other news, I have a busy day tomorrow with going totnes with a friend and then working in the evening. I am doing a meal plan for the next few days to keep me on track till I see my dietican.

Well for lunch today I had a nice salad from sainsburys they have a pic and mix salad bar in this mix is a boiled egg, feta, mixture of salad leaves, some black rice and quinoa, Bulgar wheat in a beetroot dressing, some nuts and dried fruit,and spicy chickpea mix. 

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Do you find it hard to listen to your body? 

action packed day

So yesterday I didn't have time to update as it was my first shift at wetherspoons. So in the am I went on one of my long rides....

It was ace, felt so goood whilst \I was out cycling 25 mph on the flat and feeling stronger on the hills defintly noticing that I am improving. Exercise has helped me so much cause I know when I struggle with my eating my time on the bike is awful. My average speed was 15mph and their was some hills to contend with so I was really pleased with that I was out for about 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Breakfast was my usual oats with chopped banana and yogurt, but this time I added some milled flaxseed, cocoa, stawberries and berries. They are really great as are a great source of iron and zinc, and contain healthy fats and fibre so great for the digestive system they are also chocolatly so added bonus!

During my ride I munched some nakd lemon raisins and a high 5 energy gel okay so these aren't the most natural products to use but they sure give you a much needed sugar boost and are easy to digest on the bike. 

When I came back I had a quick shower a re-go shake and then it was ;lunch time which was a simple bowl of pasta with veggies and chicken:

 I have added a giveaway at celery and cupcakes blog I urge you to check it out has some great recipes and is a lovely person. 

Wetherspoons

Before my shift started at 6pm I was in a bit of a rush as I had my psychologist appointment in town and didn't get back till about 4.30 pm so I asked my Mum to make me a sandwich of cashew butter... This is the first time EVER I have let other people make food for me especially something like a sandwich with a filling but I knew that missing food before I started was not an option and it meant I could get ready and not stressed. I need to try and think of new ideas for sandwich fillings as I prefer to eat just before I start so I have something to keep me going for 4 hours.

The shift well I made a few mistakes which I am trying to not dwindle on but the guy said I did really well and they kept asking me if I was okay. 

Their is just so much to learn so any different rums, spirits, lagers, ciders, beers and I am not really a big drinker I don't know a rum from a vodka... and especially when they have big rounds I can never remember what they ordered. But the customers were actually mostly really nice very patient and friendly towards me and the staff were all lovely helping me out and I did sort of enjoy it apart from being knackered and some drunken lads. From being sober you realise how idiotic people can be. 

I need some ideas of quick to prepare meals that I can take. Preferably things that you can eat cold..

So favourite sandwich filling? Meals to prepare ahead? 

WIAW-In the pink

So part 2 of my posting of my eats, and today I have had a pink day! anyway who knows me knows I like my pink everywhere I go remembers me for my love of pink and hello kitty! Practically everything I own is pink. Here is a snap shot of some of my pink items:

Yes that is a pink popcorn maker!

My hair straighteners are pink and so is a monopoly game: 

Even MR GEORGE FORMAN arrived in pink: (who would of thought a boxer would advocate the colour pink)

I have even sported pink hair!

Sorry for the side track I got a bit carried away

Todays Eats!

So breakfast was un photographed as it was ate on the go I went to the gym an then had a banana and a soya latte at costa with sugar free caramel I love the new sugar free varieties. 

Lunch was at a cafe and urm I didn't feel like taking a picture sorry. But it was a nice a goats cheese and fig relish sandwich on wholemeal local bread. 

But my dinner was amazing.

Beetroot Risotto with goats cheese

followed by a pink smoothie in a bowl consisting of frozen raspberries, holland and barrats strawberry whey protein some soya milk and soya yogurt. 

My snack tonight will be some veggie sushi!! Haven't had any for a while so thought that I would treat myself:)

Other snacks have been some dried apple which was like eating foam-so nice!

Hope everyone is having a good day.

what is your favourite colour and do you have many items in this colour?

Induction done!!

Work Induction


So this was actually fairly okay and a bit boring was just a case of watching DVD's about health and safety and filling in some forms. One funny thing was the Challenge 21 talk she asked us all our ages and they all gasped when I told the I was..........

24 I always get shocks when I tell people my age as I look about 17 maybe even 18 at a push so always get asked for ID. I don't mind most of the time, apart from when I get 17 year old lads chatting me up and men my age think I am too young for them:(.

Anyhow I did enjoy today and to actually feel somewhat normal, to be able to work and not be on benefits to feel that I am getting my life back!!

Odd Cravings!!

I forgot to mention yesterday that I had a knee pain which was because of running, I didn't warm up properly on the treadmill and did some fast paced intervals and I am very new to running. I have done a lot of cycling but this isn't high impact like running so yesterday evening I was paying the price for it so today I haven't done any high impact just some walking. 

So I craved protein this morning, and had a very random combination of a poached egg with mushrooms and some quorn chicken style fillets! 

However come evening I had planned some salmon with cous cous and veg but I was craving some oatmeal...... so what do I have for dinner a lovely bowl of oats with some chopped fresh apricots, soya yogurt, and cinammon. Oats have also been a "safe" food of mine but back then they were made with water !!! ugh think I would actually vomit if I had to eat oats and water I prefer my bowls to look like this:

I have a job!!!!

So I have a bit of good news. I had an interview at wetherspoons and wasn't sure whether I had got it or not as I said I could only be around till September as will then hopefully transfer to the one in Bournemouth but she called me sunday afternoon to tell me I have the job!. 

I am nervous but excited, it means I will hopefully be able to meet people have some fun, and for the first time in years earn some money of  my  own accord and not benefits!!! It has been a nightmare trying to find some black trousers and at the mo have to deal with some old ones till I can find a proper pair. 

The job came at the right time as this past weekend I have really been struggling with things. I had a major trigger happen on Saturday afternoon with a guy who I once dated when I was like 18 I'm 24 now, and we were chatting he was telling me all about is high powered banking job and he gave me his number and asked for mine and about 10 minutes before i was about to get of he asked if he could pop in for coffee and a chat. me being the nieve person said yes as thought he genuinely did want a chat.....


Oh how wrong I was clearly coffee at 3pm now doesn't mean this, and he wanted more than just coffee we didn't have anything as to what some people may be thinking but enough for me to have flashbacks from my past. i don't want to go into the details but it has really messed with my head and a big part why I developed the ed was because I didn't want appear attractive to men I wanted to look childlike, i didn't want boobs, periods, hips and it is still what has kept me battling anorexia for so long. For once I had control over my body and it gave me a sense of satisfaction.  I have such a long detailed past that would take forever to explain maybe one day i will. 


So where does this leave me now.... I am trying to fight to fight for all that I have worked to get. Going back is not an option. I have a good support system so I will be meeting with the staff from my supported housing place and I have packed a good lunch for tomorrow I haven't told my job about my ed past and hope to keep it that way.


 I had a long chat with Matt today, one of my key workers and he gave me some good advice that its what males can be like unlike women who need emotional affection men need urm sexual affection and that I am going through now what most people go through when they are 17-18 ie teenage years growing up, starting to date, have a job, go to uni! I guess I am a little late growing up in some ways I am mature and other ways I am still a young 18 year old learning to find my place in life and I guess as my blog title says "one day I will see the sun"

Ticking things of my list!

So the panic list I composed a few days ago is starting to get shorter! woop 


So this am occupational health contacted me and I have an appointment with them on the 10th August so when that is over with I can hopefully apply for accommodation at Bournemouth Uni which I have just seen will cost me £6000 for the whole year !!! I have to get a 50 week license and it is for a studio flat as wouldn't feel comfortable sharing in halls as its going to be a big enough change for me going to University. I am a bit nervous about occupational health assessment as they will be weighing me and asking loads of questions about my illness. I did call them up when I had the form as got all panicky and asked them if they ever have people with eating disorders and the women was lovely and said "oh yes we have them all the time" which eased my mind but also sad that so many people struggle with them. 


Job Interview!!


So my second bit of news is that I have a job interview at wetherspoons tomorrow, and I am nervous and excited. Nervous because I haven't been to a job interview in about 5 years, and if I do get the job I will be nervous about starting because its a pub that like everyone goes too which means a lot of people I know and I don't know how much confidence I have to work in a bar. But I am hoping to come of benefits too and think it will be a great place for me to meet people and I am hoping that I can transfer to the one in Bournemouth. 


Do I go away or not


I also have to decide whether to visit my Nan, aunty, and cousins in Milton Keynes. This is a bit complicated as I hate letting people down I have always been a people pleaser, always do things for other people and often neglet what I really want to do. But I am feeling really torn in whether to go up. I haven't really had much contact with my Nan throughout my life as my real dad left when I was a baby and didn't want any contact with me. well to cut a long story short we got into contact when I was 18 and saw each other a bit but their was nothing their it was like meeting a stranger and also he never bothered with me throughout my life and when I got ill wanted to save me yeah a joke right? so I didn't want any contact with him but the last time I went to Milton Keynes my Nan pressured me in to seeing him and I hated it and when I last called her she was asking why I didn't want to see him and "we never knew what he did wrong" 


Urm how about never contacting me, saying that when CSA tried to contact him for maintenance payments he claimed we weren't his kids! sending me a birthday message on facebook. I don't even know my other family well. I know I should go and see them but I pay postpone it especially if I get this job as the women on the phone said the induction would be next Tuesday and I had planned to go away from Sunday to Wednesday. I think I will decide once I know about the job as they may not want to employ me and especially with me only here for the summer.  


Food Today!


I did have a little blip with counting calories today and had to count what I ate this afternoon as was feeling a little unsure of myself and that I had ate too much. But on a plus I haven't counted calories ie on my computer for quite a few days so guess is work in progress. 


So breakfast before going to the gym was some porridge with chopped fresh apricots, and afterwards I met my support worker for coffee and had a caramel macchiato with soya milk from coffee republic. 


Lunch consisted of the following:

This was butternut squash stir fried in teaspoon of good oil!! First time I have used oil in a long time. Then added some tamarind paste with the chickpeas oh and cooked a random falafel was really nice. Last of my squash:( Will just have to buy some more!!


Snacks have been some dried apricots and prunes, two apples and an eat natural bar. I really needed a snack on the way back from visiting my friend and this was the only healthy bar I could find but did taste quite sugary still made a nice change though

I went on a 20 minute run at around 6pm and it was still blimming hot!! When I came back I had a soda bagel with cashew butter on one side and jam on the other I couldn't decide lol

How do you deal with letting people down? 

Whats your favorite bagel topping? 

WIAW-FIRST ONE!!

WIAW-WEEK ONE

Okay so I have decided to take part in this for the first time, and todays eats have been pretty good. First I want to talk about by day. am I went on a 2 hour cycle ride. Each morning I struggle with my foods over my body and weight but once I have had breakfast been out on a ride I feel fantastic. I can feel myself get better at it my average speed is improving around 15.8 mph and a really hilly route too and this very fit cyclist came up behind me asked if I was training for anything and said it took a while for him to catch up with me! which made me feel quite good. Came back had a recovery shake and got ready for my cpn and psychologist appointment which I had missed again!! I have an awful memory I have now taken to carrying my diary with me everywhere. I feel a bit less stressed today which is good and just a bit more positive over things. anyway here is todays eats:

Pre workout was my usual porridge with chopped banana and some natural sweetner

I have been trying a few things out for on the bike nibbles that are easy to digest and provide me with enough energy. Today I chose some dried apricots which were perfect:

When I came back had a chocolate shake by rego (no image I am afriad)

Lunch consisted of the bean dish I made yesterday with some brown rice. 

Snacks today was a banana and hot soya milk with sugar free hazelenut syrup. 

The best thing of today although was my dinner, I have been wanting some goats cheese for ages and had a butternut squash so thought I would improvise and do a baked squash dish and it was so nice. I was actually pretty impressed by it and it tasted so nice. 

Baked squash with goats cheese, quinoa, and mushrooms. 

• 1/2 butternut squash
• 30g goats cheese
• 40g quinoa
• vegetable stock
• 200g mushrooms
• spices I used cumin and caraway seeds

I firstly halved the squash then scooped out the middle, baked in the oven for around 30 minutes. Whilst I fried of the inside of the squash and added the spices I also added some tamarind paste to experiment a bit, then added the mushrooms the quinoa was pre cooked in some veggie stock. 

The mushroom mixture with the quinoa was placed in the squash with some goats cheese on top and left to cook for another 10 minutes then  was good to go!

So that has pretty much been my eats for today I haven't decided what to have for a bed tie snack will see what takes my fancy! 

I have been managing to not count calories as in write them down on my pc but during the day I am still counting in my head and its so frustrating! Wish I didn't think of food as a number. 

Does not thinking of calories all the time get easier with time? 

Do you find you count calories? is it helpful? 

Stressed!

Yes I am feeling a tad stressed at the moment. This is best explained through a list:

• NHS bursary form hasn't been sent off
• No evidence for the bursary form (still waiting for it)
• Going away to see family next sunday (I am stressing over food and how they don't get ed's and think it was just a "phase")
• Housing benefit stuff and leaving supported housing
• feelings of fat
• boredom and finding healthy things to do in my spare time
• half my belongings elsewhere.
• feeling lonely
• finding a job
• Occupational health assessment that I am yet to have 

Well I think that's it, bit of a lengthy list me thinks! To kind of deal with stress I went to the gym and on a long walk Which did help me to calm down I also visited st Maurs and spoke to a few of the staff which has helped ease my anxieties and also cooked a bean chilli! Really starting to enjoy cooking veggie type stuff, building up a collection of recipes to take with me to uni which seems far away but also close. 

Bean Chilli

• Chopped onion
• mushrooms, courgettes, and red, yellow, and green peppers
• chopped tomatoes
• Spice mix ( I used cumin and a tex mex one)
•  pinto beans
• Kidney beans
• haricot beans
• marmite!

It was quite simple and quick to make and prepare. I firstly chopped the onion fried until browned then added the peppers and spices, following this added mushrooms and courgettes with some chopped tomatoes and the mixed beans. oh to finish it of drizzled some marmite on the top. I am a complete marmite addict, I have even been known to put it on salad! I portioned it to 1 and 1/2 cup which gave me 6 portions. I have been doing this method instead of weighing out the whole thing then having to weigh it all out again. progress I think! sick of weighing out things. 

Really want a job!

I am getting so bored and just blah at the moment I need something to do and keep me motivated over the summer. I just can't do what I have done for the last 5 years of my life. I am going to get a job come of benefits and just be a proper student. I am starting to struggle again with bulimia and its because of the spare time that I have. I want to be able to meet people.

Well today I met a friend for coffee in wetherspoons and spoke to the manager asked if they were recruiting and explained that their was no vacancies on their website he first asked my age lol as I look about 16 even though I am 25 and he spoke to someone else and they said that would advertise it on the website for me to apply tonight and after that they would take it of so that seems probable. I can hopefully transfer to a wetherspoons in bournemouth.

The pill

So I saw my GP today and spoke to her about my concerns of fertility and bone damage and she suggested that if I wanted to I could go on the contraceptive pill which releases hormones and may give me a period at the end of the cycle you take the pill for 21 days. Also with releasing hormones it will hopefully help with my osteoporosis.I can't remember the last time I had a period. The only thing that concerns me is the weight gain side of it but I guess it is just one side effect and I may not get it. 

Other news I am managing to not count calories as in right them down on my spread sheet I am still aware of what I am eating and tbh it is so ingrained in me I no longer need to even look at the packets of stuff as I know too much even the fat and carb levels -ugh not good. some days I will check it before I go bed if I am feeling wobbley about what I have eaten but I sort of look at my meals more in nutrition terms ie needing some protein, carbs, minerals, vitamins and yes fat too that one I still struggle with. Though this evening I went out for dinner with a friend and had a huge veggie stir fry with cashew nuts their was like loads of rice like a mini igloo lol and I ate it all up and it was really nice. 

This morning I went to the gym and did a 5k on the treadmill managed to do it in just under 30 minutes and put the speed up towards the end lol as I wanted to get it to under 30 minutes. I am still a bit scared to run on the road not because I don't think I can do it but because of people seeing me. Everyone in my village knows I have an ed and its quite a busy body village and worried that people will be like oh she's losing weight again running! which isn't the case exercise has immensely helped my ed. it doesn't bother me when im cycling as I am in a helmet and can sort of hide. hoping i will build up the courage soon I also don;t like men beeping at me and this happens even when I am walking as its a fairly main road. 

anyway tomorrow I will be going out with some friends from college which will be fun I hope bit nervous about it but I am sure after a few drinks I will talk like its no tomorrow lol

road rage!

When I was out cycling today I noticed a hell of a lot of road rage with motorists being fairly impatient it seems that people are always in a rush and have no respect for others on the road. One trailer overtook me and oh so very nearly got hit by an oncoming car. surely its not worth risking your life to speed up and overtake a cyclist. I do get some funny looks sometimes as their are not many women cyclists and I am dressed head to toe in pink lol. 

Well I had a fairly good ride did about 40 miles, and I did a hilly route up to mortenhamsptead and then through Bovey. I think the spinning class has really helped my stamina and from going out more and fueling up beforehand. I had my favorite bowl of oatmeal with chopped banana, yogurt, and natural freedom sweetener

On the ride had a nakd apple pie bar and some raisins. Need to find some bars that aren't so dry and are easy to swallow on the ride and also non sticky, don't ask for much do I!!


My dad also came with me to pick up two suitcases of mine from keyberry road. I met with one of the staff this morning for a mini ride and coffee and had a chat about how they can support me. he feels sad for me that I am leaving but I think it will be for the best I need to taper down the support and learn to live independently whilst still preparing for uni. I am considering looking for a full time job it will give me chance to meet people and hopefully will be able to transfer to the bournemouth one I quite fancy bar job I would have liked to do some care based work but I will need a CRB and by the time I get that I will be starting uni. 


Oh I also had this for dinner:

The chickpea stew with cous-cous that I made the other day with some tamari marinated tofu by clearspring and some broccoli and cauliflower. First time I have had tofu in a long while, I am trying to eat more veggie based food other than fish all the time its also loaded with calcium which is much needed for helping with the osteoporosis. 


Tomorrow I am going to the gym, going to try running on the treadmill again really enjoyed it, then have doctors appt and a dinner date with a friend  with a cocktail involved!