So I have a bit of good news. I had an interview at wetherspoons and wasn't sure whether I had got it or not as I said I could only be around till September as will then hopefully transfer to the one in Bournemouth but she called me sunday afternoon to tell me I have the job!.
I am nervous but excited, it means I will hopefully be able to meet people have some fun, and for the first time in years earn some money of my own accord and not benefits!!! It has been a nightmare trying to find some black trousers and at the mo have to deal with some old ones till I can find a proper pair.
The job came at the right time as this past weekend I have really been struggling with things. I had a major trigger happen on Saturday afternoon with a guy who I once dated when I was like 18 I'm 24 now, and we were chatting he was telling me all about is high powered banking job and he gave me his number and asked for mine and about 10 minutes before i was about to get of he asked if he could pop in for coffee and a chat. me being the nieve person said yes as thought he genuinely did want a chat.....
Oh how wrong I was clearly coffee at 3pm now doesn't mean this, and he wanted more than just coffee we didn't have anything as to what some people may be thinking but enough for me to have flashbacks from my past. i don't want to go into the details but it has really messed with my head and a big part why I developed the ed was because I didn't want appear attractive to men I wanted to look childlike, i didn't want boobs, periods, hips and it is still what has kept me battling anorexia for so long. For once I had control over my body and it gave me a sense of satisfaction. I have such a long detailed past that would take forever to explain maybe one day i will.
So where does this leave me now.... I am trying to fight to fight for all that I have worked to get. Going back is not an option. I have a good support system so I will be meeting with the staff from my supported housing place and I have packed a good lunch for tomorrow I haven't told my job about my ed past and hope to keep it that way.
I had a long chat with Matt today, one of my key workers and he gave me some good advice that its what males can be like unlike women who need emotional affection men need urm sexual affection and that I am going through now what most people go through when they are 17-18 ie teenage years growing up, starting to date, have a job, go to uni! I guess I am a little late growing up in some ways I am mature and other ways I am still a young 18 year old learning to find my place in life and I guess as my blog title says "one day I will see the sun"