Thursday, 19 May 2011

going into halls!

So, over the past few days since I went to Bournemouth i have been doing a lot of thinking, and speaking to a few people have decided that i will be moving into a studio flat in halls. yes it will be a lot smaller than having my own flat. But I feel it will be a good move for me. Going to uni is scary enough as it is and I will know no-one and think having my own flat I will be isolated and for once in my life I want to do *normal things* like having a drinks out, even a party or two;) But i have the option to come back to my own studio in halls.

From being at college I know how good for me it is to be around people, to have friends etc. For years I told myself or my ed did that I didn't need friends that my only friend was anorexia! But she isn't a friend she never made me happy, she nearly killed me what type of friend is that lol. I will be able to meet people and have the time of my life. well they do say that your uni days are the best times of your life, and up to now my life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses. It is also a lot cheaper and everything is included so I want have to worry about an unexpected electricty bill and I haven't really lived alone before. I have either lived at home, been in IP or supported housing.

I am confident I have made the right decision and that it is a really good move for me. I no longer want to be a loner or isolated I want my life back, and I am slowly reclaiming it back.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

productive day!

well today has been fairly productive. I went to my Mum's and saw my dad and cooked us some poached eggs on toast and then made a meal for my mum to freeze portions of a chilli with some minced beef and kidneys beans and spices etc. She has been eating loads of ready meals and they are really not good for her and it only took like 10 minutes to make as I bought ready chopped onion lol. I hate chopping onion it always really effects me and eyes get so stingy and sore.

After that I came back and cleaned the kitchen, and made something for myself. I haven't cooked for a long time I used to do loads of cooking. But just hadn't had the time with college etc and now my course is coming to an end I have had a lot more spare time and I do enjoy it and is a good way to save money since I am a student:p so here is what I cooked. I adapted it from anita beans "sports nutrition for women" A really great book with loads of helpful advice for those that exercise on what to eat before and after etc.

Lentil and Chickpea Stew:

Okay so its not the most appetsising picture lol uploaded from my blackberry BUT it did taste nice:) and so easy to cook. first of cooked some mushrooms, peppers, courgette, and garlic, then added some veg stock, 100g lentils, 1 can of chickpeas, and some carrots. spices I added were curry powder, tumeric, and garam masala. then just leave to simmer for 20 minutes. Easy:) I am going to take it to college with me next week. hoping it will be okay cold. Is a really cheap meal too. Think I will be cooking more as did quite enjoy it.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

food bargains!

I love reduced shoping and tonight I got some peaches for 25p a whole punnet of them, and thsi extra special bulgar wheat salad with edamame beans:

this was 20p.

in other news wet on a long ride 2 hours did just over 30 miles loved it. havent been out in a while so felt really good.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

no more college work!!

wahoo, well I have done everything I need to for college this week, and I don't think we will have anything to do. so this weekend I will be having a nice weekend. first time in nearly nine months that I havent had any work or any intentions of any work!! so will be having some cocktails one night and then a visit to yo sushi:D which is my favourite resturant in  the whole entire world.

Monday, 9 May 2011

Well been a few days since I last updated. I did mean too but meh college work and other stuff got in the way.

My poor friend on friday got took to hospital because of her asthma:( she gets it quite bad and has frequent hopsital admissions, wish they could find a cure for it. sometimes the world seems so unfair. I ahd to do some detective work though to locate her lol. I started to get worried when I hasnt heard from her friday morning and was ringing her home and her mobile, I then went on facebook to see when she last updated and even went to try and find her sister but their were too many with her same surname. So I called up the local hospital had to pretend I was her sister lol and became a bit unstuck when they asked her date of birth. anwyay found out she got admitted and was okay. I swear I have a sixth sense with these things knew when my Mum had taken a serious overdose that something wasn;t right, good job I did as I was the one that found her:( so friday night I visited my friend which was nice although of course would have been nicer to not see her in hospital. did feel fairly weird going up their as across the road was the ed unit I have frequently been admitted too. so glad I am finally no longer a revolving door patient been nearly two years.

Oh in the morning I had my ed assesment with someone from Beat, they have no therapists available until september and did offer me a body image group but its when I am in college:( would have really benefited from it too, and I don;t get to see the dietican for another month! I mean I am not majorly relapsing or anything just strugling a bit with things and want some direction again. also want to go out cycling more and right now I am scared to eat anything more than a set calorie limit even though I will be using it up cycling.

I have also done another stupid thing and again stopped taking my Anti depressants and feel quite crap at the mo. Know i shouldnt just stop taking them but I get sick of being on them and feel I am fine and when I have a good day I feel that I no longer need to be on them then I get really awful days. This weekend hasnt been particular good. didnt feel up to going out on my bike, and got lots of negative thoughts about myself and my body, my future etc

anyway college is tomorrow. I have done most of the work. will look over my psychology essay tomorrow for like the twentfth time. I am such a perfectionist and at times is really hard to deal with and I have high expectations of myself especially when it comes to psychology as I always get high grades and feel that I have to constantly get them.

Okay lets end on some positives! Friday I am going flat hunting with my parents in Bournemouth

Thursday, 5 May 2011

project and EDA assesement

My psychology project is finally handed in! thankgoodness althought it is a draft and when we get it back I get another month to improe on it.

I have done a few days meal plans with a support worker and that has been helping.

This past few days have been a bit hit and miss, some good and some not so good days. guess you can't win them all. Although today I did have my hair done and it looks nice and shiny. Love my hair dresser well we are more like friends now occasionaly go out for coffee and dinner, oh and Bristol shopping. we always talk about mental health problems her family have suffered with them too and he cousin also has anorexia. she offers me so much advice is a really good person as she will speak very honestly to me which I like.

tomorrow I have an appt at with someone from the EDA association. quite nervous but in someway looking forward to it. I realised its the first time in well forever that I actually want some proper help to work with the ed services unlike many of my previous ip admissions where  i have had no choice. Im just sick of the negative thoughts dominating my head all the time, and want some skills to take with me for when I go to UNI!!

then in the evening time I am going out in to town for a few drinks with a friend. I haven't been out properly in like 5 years. I am feeling a bit nervous though, sure it will be okay.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

CPN appt

well, I want to just collaborate my thoughts from my CPN appt. I have been seeing her for a few months and already feel that I can connect with her and actually feel that she gets "anorexia" and also really understands my past history as her previous role was a leader from the SACE group which is a support group for people who have suffered sexual abuse as a child. Anyway I was speaking to her about kids etc and how I feel my life is so much more positive than what it has been. Anyway she asked when I last got my periods it was probably well over six years ago. She wants me to try and gain some weight. This has been on my mind recently but I struggle with my body image and have also been getting conflicting thoughts from people one staff member I asked who is also has become a friend said she didn't think I looked underweight my BMI is 15 this confused me and I have asked opinions of others and they thought she was barmy and that I do look underweight think it would be good if I could try to gain weight. I just want to go to uni and for people to not know my past to live a normal life as possible. Im scared though scared of being normal scared of not having the security of anorexia. I realise the reasons that led to get an ed are not the same reasons that are now still keeping me in the ed it is almost like an addiction a way that has defined me. I feel it has also become my identity and i wouldnt know where I would be without it.

My goal at the moment is to try and get my eating more stable. I am still struggling with restricting and b/ping; more so the B/P phase. So my goal for the next few weeks is to try and bring structure back in to my eating then I can try and work on the other stuff, so just maintaining at the moment I think is the best way for me to go, and challenging myself with food and such. Not just with food but with life tbh. over the past few months I have realised you only get one life and I intend to live this one to the full. I have wasted goodness how many years sick with an ed and I will not let it take anymore of my life away.