Pages

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Little update and book review

From having so much free time I have been able to catch up with some reading, and recently re-read the following book that I am going to review. I feel I am slowly starting to heal and slowly come to terms with the loss of a friend, and hopefully get things back to how they were.  I think the plan once I leave hospital will be to go into supported housing again. It has helped me in the past so I am hopefully it will help me again. I have been receiving so much support from friends which I am internally grateful for. I honestly don't think I would have been able to pull through this without them. 


Biting Anorexia- By Lucy Howard-Taylor



Many books I have read on anorexia especially those that are an auto-biography can be triggering with the inclusion of weights, BMI’s, and food consumed. However I found this book to be a powerful, insightful memoir of anorexia.

 Split primarily into three section, The Dark; where the author talks about living in the depths of the illness, which offers an insightful and brutally honest account of that anorexic voice that many suffers will relate too. Reading the final page of this section is extremely harrowing as it poetically describes what it is like living with anorexia and the sheer grip it can hold on you.

 The Gray; is the next section of the book; which the author talks about her journey of recovery and finding her place in the world again,  whilst recovering from an eating disorder and depression. What I like about this, is how honest she is with her journey of recovery. This sentence really echoed with me

 “It is indescribly difficult, writing this. I cannot seem to find words for how excruciating choosing between anorexia and life was. This will not make sense to you, or perhaps (unfortunately) will “. 

She talks of her struggles with bingeing, body image, depression,  relationships and low self esteem in a poetic, but easy to read and understand format.

The final part of the book “The Light” Howard-Taylor gives advice on what has been beneficial in her journey of recovery, and how it is possible to move on from anorexia. What I liked about the ending was her honesty that yes she is at a healthy BMI and the anorexia and depression don’t dominate her life, but she will still have those bad body image days and will still need to take medication to counteract the depression. 

I decided to review this mainly because it was my Mum that took so much from this book. She had passed it around to all her friends, she has read a few books on anorexia but this one really appeared to echo with her. Where I think for the first time she really understood it. Throughout the book the author’s sense of humour is highlighted, and it truly captures the challenges that occur with recovery. I would recommend this book to anyone who is in recovery from anorexia, or even looking to understand the illness that many people who haven’t had lived experience often misunderstand. 

Their is also a really  good pro recovery forum which the author was one of the first members of which offers support to those in recovery from any eating disorder. 


Thursday, 27 October 2011

long time no see!!!

Well it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, and I dont think I will be updating it more regulary until I am in a better frame of mind as I wanted it to be positive, and more recovery focused on living a life free from anorexia and not engaging with the illness and feeling like I want to die all the time. 


An update to be brief and I guess matter of fact, the funeral was two weeks ago, I thought I could cope with it but clearly I couldn't. Their was a get together at the pub where haven't not eaten all day I drank 3 glasses of wine and then went on  a self destructive route where I couldn't stop myself banging my head on a car window had to be restrained by a member of staff, I went up with the people from whom I was in supported housing with. I came back home well got dropped off. Took an overdose, came out the next day, the day after that took another overdose, it was partly planned had written goodbye letters to everyone. Got saw by the psych, seen by the crisis team. The following day let out, then the day after decided again I can't cope so went to totnes with the intention of not eating and drinking and just dying in a nice b and b. eventually saw matt a support worker whom I am very close too and someone from the crisis team. They suggested hospital nooo I can't go not today, I am fine I won't do it again I just want to be left alone. no such luck ended up agreeing to go. 


Depression and anorexia is the worst it has ever been, I tried to escape again on monday after some more bad news that I won't go into. Ran away to newton abbot, completely out of mind didn't know what I was doing, and here I am still in the psych ward under section 2. Appealing against it though.

Where am I now???


I am fighting for survival, I have so much support from close friends and family. The psych is amazing, as are most of the staff. Although they don't fully understand anorexia, they do want to help. I realise that this is a big set back, but when has life ever been plain sailing when has their ever been one easy road to fall down too. I have't given up hope that I can be well again. I have done it once before, I am slowly starting to eat again and utilise the support that I have. I know myself incredibly well and know what works for me. 

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

RIP

Okay most of this was meant to be published monday afternoon so I drafted it up, however monday afternoon took a turn for the worst where one of my close friends took an overdose and died. She has had mental health problems most of her life and I could relate to her so much we both shared similar childhoods with regards to our past and she had to deal with terrifying flashbacks too. It wasn't her time to go, she was barely 20 and we celebrated togeather. life is so unfair. It has hit me hard, and I am trying to fight through all the negative thoughts I have but it is so hard.







 The rest of what I have intended to post seems irrelevant. I know this isn't a particular happy post, and I didn't want my blog to turn in to an emo sort of diary, but I just need somewhere to vent too and to blog about the loss of a special friend. She will always be in my thoughts, and it will take me a while to overcome this. Depression is a horrible illness and she shouldn't have had to go through all this. I am not going to lie I have myself tried to kill myself on a number of occasions but I don't feel I ever wanted to really die and I don't think Rachel did as well.

RIP my friend



Hope everyone is keeping well


Sunday, 11 September 2011

I have been absent from blogging for a while, mainly because things have been quite difficult. I have found out that I won’t be able to commence uni this September. I have passed occupational health but the University are insistent that I cannot start until the following year. I have called, practically begging to see if they could change their mind as feel more than ready to start but they seem to think that because I saw a dietician back in March and that I have just left supported housing that I will find the course too challenging, not the academic part but the practical placement. I disagree but who am I too say!?

I am currently trying the fake it till I make it. Trying to look on the bright side of things, that it will mean I can save up, get some experience, good at cooking, improve my fitness levels, have some fun. But then there is the otherside of it where I feel that I have failed that I have let myself down. Then there is the scary part of my age and how I feel old, that the ed has stolen so many years of my life; which to be fair it had. But I am determined to not let it steal anymore from me.

So right now I am going to be working in wetherspoons which isn’t too bad, and in the meantime I have applied to work on the NHS bank and also going to apply for a temporary auxiliary nurse position on a ward. I am also going to join a running group. I really want to meet people with similar interests to me and exercise is something I really enjoy and would be great to meet people through that. I am also going to save up for a better bike, mine was the lower end of an entry level bike and I really want a new one.




My current bike

Well I did have some fun the other day and visited alton towers and stayed in the hotel too!! It was really great to let my hair down although I probably let it down a little too much. I loved the air ride best. I also went swimming in a sort of water park, and I even wore a bikini for the first time in about 6 years!! and I felt okay in it. My friend said to me that I was getting a  pack!! and I actually though my stomach was toned and that my thighs aren't really that bad even though the ed at times has told me otherwise. 

Okay I promise I don't just drink cocktails when I go out!! 

I learnt a lesson too, that I really need to learn how to control my drink more I just don't know when to stop and that although I am 25, mentally I am a lot younger. I feel that through being ill with anorexia I haven’t had time to properly grow up and right now I am learning that stage. It is quite difficult as I almost feel stuck in a nieve 18 year olds mindset and really do not feel 25 I don’t have the same experiences as what a 25 year old has had. Even though I had to grow up quickly in terms of a practical sense as my Mum has been ill with mental health problems I haven’t had the same life experiences with men, socialising, work etc.

I suppose right now I am coming around to the thought of taking a year out to properly get myself well for University so I am ready to face anything!! I know that going backwards is not an option. I could have quite easily said screw it all and let my negative thoughts take over.. But I refuse to let anorexia take anymore of my life away. I will be trying out lots of different recipes, and also improve my general fitness. Building up for a 10 k. I know I
 am not 100% recovered and still have some things to work on, but know I will get their with time. 


anyone had to take a year out from university because of the their health? I am on the look out for new some snack ideas. Currently been on the nakd and trek bars and oatcakes with nut butters. But trying to expand my horisons. 

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Determination

PRE-WARNING: This is going to be a fairly long post, so if you read all this I am very impressed


Determination- I have always been extremely determined and in the past this has been somewhat negative where I have been determined to see a number go down on the scale where I have done absolutely  anything to lose weight. Where this determination has made me sick, made me enter hospital on a number of occasions, made me lose friendships, try to take my own life and just damn right miserable. 


I have also been determined to fight for support and help, I had to wait an extremely long time before I could go into hospital on my last admissions and I was extremely sick where I was in and out of general wards alot, but I never gave up I continued to keep myself well so I could live. This may sound dramatic from people who don't know me at the time but it was so scary how long I had to wait at the state I was in. 

However now I like to use my determination in a positive light. I had to fight to receive therapy on the NHS which believe me was a difficult task but I am glad I did as I am now able to overcome many of the issues I had with relations to males, the flashbacks that haunted me day and night and what triggered of my eating disorder. 


I am now determined to improve my running:

Run today-5 miles-pace-8.06-40.09 minutes

Get my body healthy


To get myself to college where I achieved 28 distinctions, make friends, do things that the eating disorder has stopped me doing for so many years. 








Well this now brings me to the uni situation.On Wednesday when I had received an email from the University that said that I wasn't able to start this year and have to defer to next year because in their words: it is the decision of the academic team that because you are in receipt of ongoing and substantial input from mental health services and because of the recency of your symptoms related to your condition we will not be able to make the neccesary adjustments. 

In my opinion this is completely wrong, my condition has improved, I had a referal back in March to  a dietician as had a minor blip due to a close friend dying. I am going to be hopefully discharged from services once I have settled in and I haven't even asked for any adjustments. 

This is only the start of the pa-larva. I called up occupational health the next day as I was meant to see them this Monday and they haven't heard anything about me not starting this year!! as far as they were concerned I was going to have my health clearance on Monday as they required some additional information from my GP of my future prognosis and suitability to the course. The women I spoke to was really nice and even she agreed with me when I said it feels like discrimination as their are plenty of people with health conditions that are on courses and if someone with a medical problem was wanting to start they would have no issue with them seeing a nurse for appointments.  

So finally me being as determined as I am rang up Human rights I had a reference number as I contacted them before when I went and saw the University a few weeks back. They said to me it is direct discrimination as even if I did make some requests like time out for appointments they have to show that they have made reasonable adjustments and are not allowed to disallow me on the course when I have health clearance from my Doctor. 

Occupational health still want to see me on Monday, and it really is so frustrating and depressing not knowing whether I can go to university or not. My work think I am going on the 17th September I haven't been able to tell them the situation. I have spent my whole summer excited about University even bought some books. It has been difficult to carry on with life, eating, socialising. But I am determined

 Banana and maple cookies
 Baked squash with feta
 Sausage and butterbean bake with roasted butternut squash
Mammoth bowl of cereal with greek yogurt and chopped apple


All through life we face challenges and in the past I have dealt with these in a negative light. But not any longer, I am now turning my determination in a positive light One of the reasons I am most upset about university is i feel really old. Battling an eating disorder has meant I have missed out on so much life and I try to not dwell on it but at times it is hard but it makes me all the more reason to fight, and continue as I know that going back is not an option. I want a life and will do whatever it takes to grasp it, and if that means I have to wait a year longer for Uni then so be it. I mean I don't even look 18 not alone 25! Also mentally I do feel about 19 like I am just starting my life, as I feel the eating disorder has somewhat stalled me growing up So my plan if I don't get to university this year is:

  • Join a running club and enter some races
  • improve on my cycling
  • save as much money as I can
  • Continue to see my friends and socilaise a lot and of course have a few drinkies:p
  • Join match.com lol
  • get some healthcare related experience their is some jobs on the nhs website which I think I will apply for. 
  • Get good at baking and cooking!! although I can cook, their are so many recipes I want to try and practise makes perfect. 
  • Treat myself out to a cake or sweet treat in a cafe. I don't think I have ever done this and their is this nice little veggie/vegan cafe where I live that makes the most amazing cakes and I am yet to have one.
  • Raise some money for a dementia charity
Well that's all folks, yep I told you it was long. I have also shared some personal information which I am not sure how I feel about but I am in a place where I want to be able to help others and I am hoping that others reading this can seek support and feel that they are not alone. 

 I will have more information on Monday when I again have to go down to Bournemouth to see the occupational health nurse and I am still non the wiser sure on whether I can go this year or not. 

Anyone took a year out before university? what did you do? Do you have determination? Favourite comfort food?









Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Out with the scales in with the cookies


I have made a decision that I am giving my scales to my Mum and will be weighing myself once a week. It is not normal to weigh myself every day and they never make me happy, I refuse to let a number dictate how I feel.


I have had to calorie count which I really detest doing, but it is for a positive reason as I am reaching a high number so I can put on those pounds. I need to get my period back, and well I want to reach proper recovery. From doing my own research has read if you get X amount (don’t want to say but people can message me if they want to know calories I am aiming for) it is best to nourish all the damage that eating disorders do to yoru body, it also repairs the metabolism so when you get to maintenance you maintain on a higher number:D which is always a good thing as I love to eat!



Sweet potato with cottage cheese and tuna, and some mushrooms.


The meal went really well, although I got drunk so so quickly as we had to wait ages for the food, then we went to a bar and I danced the night away. To eat I had Tandoori Chicken Shatkora which was Tandoori chicken cooked with Shatkora fruit(Bengal citrus fruit) & a blend of spices, some boiled rice and naan!!!  I like indian food but my favorite is defiantly asian style foods like stir frys and buckwheat noodles, and of course my favourite sushi!!


Pushing the boundaries again:



Peanut butter cookies from nicky's blog

They were yum, and didn't even last the day, my Mum had one and I had the rest hehe. First time using fats in cooking and loved them, they were really filling too. Will be making some more very soon Yesterdays food was these and copious bowls of granola and weetabix crunchy bran. It was really all I was craving as had the worse hangover ever!!!

Today was a work day, and the break situation is so annoying!!!:( I did 8 and 1/2 hours today and so got 1x20 minutes and 1x 10, this is fair enough but what isn't fair is having my first break at 11.30, 1 and a half hours which is meant to be "lunch" I asked for 15 minutes and 15 minutes later as I wasn't really that hungry for lunch, and then I didn't get another break until 4pm and that is nearly 5 hours with no food:( this isn't good for my blood sugar levels I need to eat at least every 2 and 1/2 hours sometimes less than this. Luckily I brought some dried fruit with me that I managed to pick at and a small nakd bar which I had when I was meant to be going to the "toliet". Anyway their is nothing I cam do about it so I just have to bring some cereal bars with me and dried fruit and tomorrow is even worse as I am their from 9 to 4 and get just 1 x 20 minute break and no doubt I will get it at like 10.30am which mean I have to go without food until 4pm. I am sorry their is no way I can go that long lol. So plan to bring a trek bar with me:) 


Packed lunch-Goats cheese and fig relish sarnie

Anyone else have to deal with annoying breaks when at college/ work? How do you manage them? 
Anyone else struggle with weighing daily? I am determined to beat this shit!!

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Meet Marie


My cookies went down a treat at work:) I really love working at the moment, has given me such a sense of normality and is challenging how I feel about my body, recovery, and just leading a happy life. I wasn't really sure what to blog about today. So I thought I would share some pictures of my cats. Marie used to live with me at my last house but when I moved I couldn't take her with me so she now lives with my Mum and well I am at my Mums until I go Uni.

Marie:







Marie with our other Siamese Ruby


Oh I love my kitty cuddles

Siamese are possible one of the most human like breeds of cats. Marie is almost like a dog, she plays fetch if you chuck her a toy she will bring it back. She cuddles you like a baby and is possibly the most adorable affectionate cat I have ever come across. 


Breakfast number one chopped apple and nectarine with cottage cheese, muelsi, and a dollop of crunchy peanut butter


This afternoon I went on a bike ride covered a hilly terian with average speed of 16 mph and around 35 miles. It has been so sunny today and made the perfect bike riding weather. 

Looks gross but tasted fab, 1/2 cup oats cooked with natural yogurt and water, then added cocoa powder, chopped banana and almond butter. 


This evening I am of out for an indian. I am feeling a bit nervous not because of the food but because of the social side of it. It is someone from works birthday and I don't know her of anyone particularly well. But I am looking forward to it. Ya know I have probably been to an indian resturant once and that was when I was quite sick and this time will be different. Plus I need to gain. want to get my period back. Think a glass of wine will calm my nerves. 






ahhh my hair is so wild at the moment!!! Hope it stays okay. 

Anyone have any pets? Favorite thing at an indian?



Friday, 26 August 2011

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 



It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 








I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 




Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 


Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train? 







Wednesday, 24 August 2011

WIAW-paella

Woop WIAW!!!


Check out the others here: http://www.peasandcrayons.com/











 I think this is my third one and I do quite enjoy it especially getting inspiration from others. I always like being in a place where my eats are all balanced, something I never thought I would be able to do.


Well this isn't strictly what I ate on Wednesday but is from a few days ago as today is pretty boring as I am at work boo!


Anyway:


Breakfast: oats with chopped fresh apricots, apple, fromage frais yogurt and linwoods milled cocoa berries flaxseeds





Mid-morning was a bowl of fresh strawberries with natural yogurt and seeds


Lunch was something different for me, and it was something I remember loving as a kid. It was a chicken Kiev! These ones were sainsburys be good to yourself ones that I bought ages ago when they were reduced so I had them with a salad of rocket, watercress, and spinach with some roasted butternut squash! I seriously love butternut squash so much.


Yep that is brown sauce the guiness one:p

Dinner this evening, was a new dish for me to cook which turned out fab. I present you a paella! If you do cook this you have to add the saffron I know its expensive but it makes it taste so so good:




Paella (serves 4)

Ingredients

1tsp hemp seed good oil
1 red onion
garlic cloves
200g paella rice
a large pinch of saffron
a large pinch of paprika
Veg-I used mushrooms, and peppers but anything would really go in this dish)
about 300g prawns, and 200g of chicken. 
400ml vegetable stock

Directions:

1. Heat the oil then add the onion, garlic, and vegetables. Stir in the paella rice, saffron and paprika. 
2. Add the veg stock, and simmer for 15 minutes until the rice is tender. 
3. Add the chicken and prawns (these were pre cooked) and stir through. I squeezed some lemon juice over the top. 

This is also freezable which is a big plus. 

Uni Update

I have yet again to go down to Bournemouth on the 4th September which I guess is a good sign as if the were going to not let me on the course they wouldn't make me go all the way to Bournemouth to tell me that! But its a tad stressful as I meant to start at the end of september. Oh well, just have to keep going at the moment which I am doing. I have been invited out for an indian on Sunday night! It has been a long time since I have had Indian in a restaurant. 


Anyone know how to use protein powder in porridge? ever made paella? 

Monday, 22 August 2011

Sleep and bargains

I called my GP this morning as I have been having big problems trying to sleep,and it has led to night time eating which is also quite distressing. I tend to over think and this uni situation is on my mind and at night it is ten times worse and I just can't switch off. So I have been given some sleeping pills. I really love my GP she is the one doctor I have seen that really gets anorexia in an almost scary way like she has been their too. I told her the situation with uni and she said to me " I didn't say this, but you should get a lawyer" I am hoping it won't come to that, but on Wednesday I will be sending an email and my community team that I still see will be sending another letter in with the email. I need to hear this week not in a few weeks time I am meant to start uni in less than a month!!! I hate not being able to sleep it is so important for good mental and physical well being. 

Bargains

I like myself a good old bargain. Especially being a student where I know I need to watch the pennies. Well yesterday I was out with Mum and Dad and we happened to be near a sainsburys and it was close to closing time so... the perfect opportunity to get lots of reduced food. I used to this a lot when I lived more close to supermarkets but if you go a few hours before they finish trading they reduce all the fresh produce. Well this is what I managed to pick up:



Most of the veg was 30p-this was 200g organic carrots, 250g fresh beetroot, 4 taste the difference flat mushrooms, fruit salad of mango, pineapple and grapes, bunched parsley, fresh watermelon. 

Non-reduced stuff was natural cottage cheese, 3 nut butters! they have a 1/3 of their nut butters at the mo and I stocked up on almond, cashew, and chocolate chip peanut butter ( I am addicted to the chocolate chip one!!), some museli, and pink lady apples, also not pictured was a cherry pie for my Dad which was also reduced to 59p. All in all this came too £9.80. I used some of the carrots in a stew I made this evening, and had some of the mushrooms stuffed with cheese and seeds. 

Exercise today was one of my long bike rides. But it wasn't as good as I have done before and was a bit dissapointed. Did 40 miles and an average speed of 16mph their were some hills.  but I think I need a rest day as my legs felt so heavy. So tomorrow will be a leg rest day! I am at work all day so won't get the anxious feeling that I sometimes get when I am not exercising as my job is fairly active on my feet all the time. For lunch today after my ride I had a meal I haven't had in a while, quick, easy and fairly cheap!! Beans on toast with some low fat cheddar:



I met a friend for coffee this afternoon which was nice. Told her about my Uni situation and she thinks its ridiculous. She said how much better I look from when I did the access course and that I look healthy!! Even a few months back those words would have shuddered down my spine, but I want recovery so bad. 

I am nearly at a healthy weight and I really never thought that would be possible. I thought my life was the ed  that it was me. I thought it would have killed me, I didn't want  a womanly body, I wanted to stay childlike. But now I want a life so badly, I want to have kids one day, I want to lead a normal life hopefully be an inspiration to others and help others overcome their problems.  

I spent some time this evening cooking my favourite dish a Morocan chickpea stew: 


This time I added some peppers, I usually use loads of mushrooms but peppers were on offer for £1 in asda. originally recipe is here

Well I am back at work tomorrow, at least it will keep me distracted. Hoping I sleep okay tonight. 

anyone else make meals to freeze? favourite thing to cook? do you find rest days difficult? 


Sunday, 21 August 2011

Stress and a fruity day

Good day everyone, I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. I have not been updating much recently as I have been really stressed out. The whole uni situation is still nowhere near sorted and I  am meant to start in less than a month. I am waiting from a decision from occupational health and then I will be taking matters further if it is bad news. I have spoken to many different people about it, even human rights. I don't want to go into too much detail as it would take forever, but as soon as I hear back from them I will let you know. But man I feel awful, and am determined to fight to the end and I will get to university this year. I would understand it more if my GP didn't declare that I fit enough to commence the course, but hey I just have to be patient.


On to other news. Last night was fancy dress for work!!!-I love dressing up hehe, and I was able to fight through those body image issues and wear a short skirt and even roll my shirt up to reveal shudder!! some stomach. Ya know I haven't been able to do that for a long time and it felt okay. 

I still struggle with body image and my thighs, but I think I am never going to see myself and the ed always distorts things. 


I really enjoyed work last night, even got given a free drink. I took home a toffee apple cider

I plan to share it with a friend who wanted to try it. I had it on my birthday, its really sweet and tastes just like toffee apple! is like a desert in a drink:p


I am really loving a few things at the moment:



  1. Exercise- I have been doing a mixture of running and cycling. I went on a 5k run this morning and was really impressed that it was under 25 minutes! I actually didn't believe it thought I had the wrong distance or something so when I was on my bike with my other GPS it was the same distance I ran for 2.5k and then came back lol. So it must have been accurate. I know its not overly impressive compared to other runners but I haven't been running long Also my cycling has been improving, my average speeds were usually around 15mph they are now in the 16-17 mph range. I am defiantly noticing the difference in my power from being at a higher weight and eating properly. The one thing that is getting me through this difficult time is keeping up my exercise levels. It spurs me on to get better at it, and make sure I eat well lots to keep up with it, and I it makes me feel so happy too. 

       2.  Cooking- Been cooking lots this week. Made a butternut squash thai curry this evening, and made a paella and another risotto too.

Butternut squash curry with quinoa

3. Working-Its a really good distraction for me and I enjoy being around other people and I am hoping to feel more confident around others. 



Today has been a fruit day where I have eaten a whole honey dew melon, an apple, some watermelon, and another fruit salad consisting of my favourite fruit mango and pineapple. This was much needed after my 40k cycle ride






Fruit salad with greek yogurt and a dollop of almond butter. 

Anyway sorry for the lengthy post, I have just entered celery and cupcakes giveaway I hope I win hehe. Love Rice milk

Question:

How do you deal with stressful situation? Favourite fruit? 

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Your more than a number

So tomorrow I will be venturing to Bournemouth again to meet with two of my college teachers where I will undoubtedly be bombarded with questions relating to my illness and how I will manage the course! I am just hoping it goes okay.


 I saw my GP this morning and she has given me a letter to take to the university with a report. She said she didn't want to mention my BMI as it is irrelevant, at the end of the day its just a number. It made me happy that I have a GP who understands that it is not just about the weight, the weight loss is just a side effect of the illness. She see's no reason as to why I shouldn't not do the course and thinks that I am more than ready to study at university level. I just have to convince the others.

The fact that my GP mentioned that she didn't want to talk about my BMI but more about how I am managing, how my mental health is made me think... We are all more than a number, who cares what you weigh, what numbers you eat. At the end of the day no-one else really knows but you. So if your struggling with thoughts over numbers, whether that be clothes sizes, or calories just try and relax a little. Their is more to life than reaching a certain goal. Those who have suffered with an eating disorder know that no number ever made you happy, and I am beginning  to realise it. 

I really need to learn a lesson and not eat like a whole packet of prunes and all bran in the evening! I majorly ate way to much of those little things and my stomach is causing me havoc. Trying not to dwell on it too much, I am just have issues with over eating in the evening. I may need to get some more regular meal plans as perhaps I am not eating enough during the day 

Anyway, yesterday I had a meal at work and for a chain pub they do a pretty healthy salmon salad. Which they describe as a superfood salad. It contains Salmon, Butternut squash, spinach, edamame soya beans, broccoli, fine green beans, pomegranate seed and red chard with Balsamic Vinaigrette.



At my wetherspoons it costs £7 well only £3.50 for me and you get a really good piece of salmon. 

My work meals have recently consisted of sandwiches: my latest addiction being goats cheese and fig relish which is an organic relish and is so nice but was pricey at £5 for a jar. I am getting a bit bored of sandwiches so going to get some salad stuff to take in with me next week, but sandwiches are quick and easy. My other favourite filling has been almond or cashew butter, sometimes I put jam in it. 

For lunch today I had a stir fry, used blue dragons sweet soy stir fry sauce with garlic and ginger. I like these sauces as they have all natural ingredients and are really nice. I cooked some soba noodles too. If I ever make stir fry at home it is always with noodles their is something nice about noodles that make it so much more exciting than plain rice!!


Sorry this is a rather long post.

Favourite sandwich filling? any ideas for different lunches to take?