Monday, 7 May 2012


I apologise for the late showing of this post, I scheduled it to post as I was away in Bournemouth and thought it was strange how I hadn't had any comments and when I was going to do another post it wasn't their!!! Blogger has just changed over and I have scheduled posts before so where it has gobe is a mystery to me. Anyway, last month I did the foodie blog giveway organised by the leangreenbean, I sent a parcel to the lovely Julian at good golly, good gobble which I am glad to read that she really enjoyed as she was a busy teacher I thought it would be a good idea to pack some snacks to have on the go and also as she was veggie some great form of protein chickpeaas!!!

 I recieved a parcel from Kathryn at london bakes who has some amazing recipes on her blog.

This bunch of goodies contained:

dried banana with chocolate and yogurt coating
sugar free sweets
2 yo yo bear dried fruit rolls
cupcake cases
gourmet pooping corn
rice dark chocolate honey and orange flavour
food doctor savory seed blend
gourmet popping corn

I have already had quite a few of the things I really loved the mixture of things that were in the box, the sugar free sweets were so nice I used to buy them a lot but went of them for a while, and the yogurt coated banana was so nice. I promise to get back to some regular blogging soon.

Ever done a foodie blogswap?

Monday, 23 April 2012

Great week and a milestone

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently. I have just had a busy week. even my evenings have been busy. It all started on Friday the 13th... Known to many as

A day that means bad news. However my day was pretty awesome. Firstly had the last part of my training for a health care assistant job and afterwards i was able to go to an interview that i didnt think I could go too as my training overlaped. However my training finished earlier so I called the other job up and asked if I could attend the interview. I was unprepared, but I managed to nail the interview. I even had to speak to a group of teenagers about a social action project... However I got the job, and proud and happy I was.

 I never thought it possible that even a few months ago I would be working as a youth worker, let alone attending an interview at the whim.

In other news my injury is loads better and am pretty much back to all my usual activities. Went on a 50 mile cycle ride yesterday and felt so so strong, best I have ever ridden. Although I am sick of people commenting on my small size and asking how much I weigh- no joke!!! I mean you would never ask someone who was obese what their weight was. I find it strange as I am at the highest weight I have been at for nearly 8 years!!!! I myself still feel "big", but to others I am not so maybe it is all in my head . I also decided to weigh myself this morning, and my BMI for the first time in goodness knows how many years is in the healthy range. I didn't feel awful as I thought I would do BUT I felt proud, proud that I have done this on my own.

I never thought it would be possible that I would be able to eat what I am eating, be the weight I am now, be happy, have an amazing boyfriend, have things in common with people that isn't having an eating disorder in common, to have friends that love me for who I am and to be able to converse with them with everyday conversations. I have put on around 10 kg since January time, many of my clothes no longer fit me. Alhough difficult I know its a good thing and I can now get new clothes:p  I may not like my legs, I may still look in the mirror and feel big but they are strong, I can cycle, run, and swim and most importanly I feel happy. On my last ride someone commented on how much  I have improved, my speeds are the best they have ever been.  I want to be able to share with people that recovery is possible that you can go from the lowest, deepest dark hole, to that of a functional person who has a whole life ahead of them. After about 5 hospital admissions I am happy to say that I have made it through. I know I still have some way to go, gaining weight is almost the easy part its dealing with my head that takes the work. However I didn't get ill overnight so it isn't going to disappear overnight so I just have to be patient.

After all that.... This weekend has been pretty awesome too. I spent it at Andys we made pizzas on Saturday night from scratch-yep that included the dough!!!

 Pizza ingredients-yep that is mango:p 

Andy was such a good dough kneader!!

We even made cheesy dough sticks. 

My toppings included goats cheese, peppers, mushrooms, mango and emmental cheese. Oh and a bbq sauce base so so nice. 

We are making them again next Sunday for the rest of the family and letting them pre order them:p think I we may do some garlic bread too.  I have never made my own pizza dough before but they were so so nice, and the only ingredients in the dough was whole-wheat and white flour, pinch of salt, two tablespoons of olive oil, and water. It was so much fun too, can have whatever toppings you fancy. 

Have you ever made pizza? 
for those that have gained weight how did you feel when you got their? Also how long did it take to get your periods back? 

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Injured again:(

Dear lord I seem to spend half my life recovering from an injury. This one is another reality check for me. I am not quite sure how it happened. But I think it was from Body Pump, and also perhaps as my boyfriend said from pushing my body too much:( That particular day, I went for a swim at 8am, pilates at 9, followed by body pump then body combat. My back felt a little sore on tuesday evening, However the next day it was so painful, I could barely walk without being in so much pain. It was also affecting my breathing. I tried to get an appointment with my sports massager, but couldn't see her until next tuesday. My mum told me to see a chiropractor. Although I don't really have the money at the moment, I knew I had to see someone. He knew what it was from just looking at my back... Thoracic back pain. This was why I was finding it hard to breathe. It was too inflamed to treat their and then but he did put some bio freeeze stuff on to help with the inflammation and told me to ice, rest, and take some anti inflammatories.

It feels a lot better today, well I can breathe without being in pain, and also move without pain. But it is still quite sore and have stayed of the exercise. It is another shocking  reminder of having osteoporosis, sometimes its easy to forget the damage that anorexia has done to my body; weakened bones, kidney problems, digestive problems, and thats just some of the physical side effects. However when I get injured, it then hits me in the face I can't change my past, I can't change the damage that I have done but I have the power to change the future. Those who've been reading my blog know I have been trying to gain weight, which I have managed to do. However I actually haven't weighed myself for a few weeks as have been too scared too. I need to try next week at some point, but I know I have put some on but am scared of seeing it face to face. I know I really need my periods back, and I don't want to have that dreaded hunch back that you see from women with osteoporosis I want to be able to exercise and not be in constant pain. I'm determined to not let the injury get me down. I am having some treatment tomorrow and he says its nothing too serious.

In the meantime, I have been getting as much calcium as possible, and trying to eat as much as I can. I just wish that sometimes the thoughts would leave me alone. Hasn't this illness done enough???!!! Every pain I get in some strange way, helps me. Perhaps its my body telling me that enough is enough, if I want to lead a normal life I can't stay underweight, I need to get my periods back, and need to reach a healthy weight. Despite knowing what I need and want to do, the mirror still lies. I still see myself as big when I look in the mirror, some days are worse than others. I wonder if it will always be this way but I will find ways to live with it. How come I understand my illness so much, but still don't understand it enough to be fully recovered. At the moment, I am faking it till I make it, eating but scared of putting on weight, but still doing it. I know it will be worth it in the end.

However my easter was really lovely. Had the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. Got spoilt and brought some of my favourite things. I most be the only person that gets excited over having cereal bars as an easter gift!!!

Easter gifts from my boyfriend he knows me very well:p 

I made these protein bars today from this blog, they were so simple and easy to make. I used chocolate protein powder. 

 Homemade protein bars
Cereal bowl contains cottage cheese, greek yogurt, bran flakes, o's munch, apple, and peanut butter.

If I could live of cereal I seriously would, love it so much. Had this creation 3 times today. Plan of action for the weekend is rest, a local food and drink fayre, weekend with my boyfriend, and to not lose my mind through not exercising. Oh and to hope this bloudly back pain gets easier. 

What food could you eat and never get bored of? 
Any advice on overcoming distorted body image? 

Saturday, 7 April 2012

cycling my way to the top

hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, I have had a pretty awesome week and the weekend is going ace too.

I've had two exciting things that I can't wait to share with you. The first thing happened on Thursday when I was at the pool, went to a general swim (no lanes), wasn't actually overly busy so got in about 40 minutes of swimming. When I ws getting changed this little girl came up to me and said "How do you swim so fast"? lol okay she was only 7 years old but it made me smile a lot.

Then the next day, I went on a 2 hour ride and their was loads of other cyclists out which after a few with strange helmets passed me by realised it was a time trial. I so want one of those cool helmets, of course I want this pink one:

Alot of the cyclists I saw out had helmets to match their bikes and clothes. Anyway I was in awe of how fast they were racing, on my way back from my ride I saw this British cycling car pass by me then around a few minutes later the car stopped at this guy got out his car and pulled his hand out indicating me to stop. I did I actually thought I was in trouble lol. Well the guy said to me why am I not out training with my local cycling group. Told him that I actually going out tomorrow:p Mentioned I was training for a triathlon and he told me to get into road racing, said he has seen me out a lot. Then he gave me his card:

 of course had to take a picture and post it on facebook:p

Man the adrenilin I had on the way back was insane. Never felt so pleased with myself, my average for the 30 mile ride was 17.4. Felt awesome.

I'm excited for tomorrow when me and my boyfriend are going out with my local cycling group. Today has consisted of lots of rest and carb loading. We cooked one of my favourite meals 


 Wholemeal hot cross bun
 Sweet potato with cottage cheese and peanut butter

Wholewheat bagel with philedelphia and chocolate spread and some jam and peanut butter

This was actually the first time I have tried peanut butter on a sweet potato. I have seen it on many blogs and have I admit been scared to try it, because of my fear of fats. But I've realised that fats are needed to be healthy and that the ED can bugger off:p Plus it tasted really nice. 

Tried any new foods recently? 
Any Easter plans? 

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

WIAW- the random one

Sorry to have gone all MIA on my blog, I had a really busy week last week. Which involved eating at my favourite sushi place

Spending the weekend with my boyfriend, and his family at a little place called Kenilworth and dressing up as Alice in Wonderland with my other half as the mad hatter: 

Don't we look cute;)

I also got very broody ( Don't worry Andy not for a few years yet;) ) 

Under 1 month old, I wanted to take her home!!! 

From holding this baby, also gave me motivation with the ed to gain more weight so I can get my periods back. I am starting to find my body image difficult especially when I look at some pictures of me. But I am reminding myself of all the things that come with being at a higher weight. 

My WIAW today is a bit random, well my dinner is anyway. 

Protein Oats 50g oats, 25g banoffee protein powder and 1 tsp of peanut butter. 

Food Doctor pitta with cottage cheese, and side of kale and carrots

Random Dinner: Squash, broccoli, yorkshire pudding, veggie burger and cream cheese, falafel and pasta with cream cheese

It was sort of like a pic and mix dinner:p 

Snacks consisted of dried fruit mixes, home made banana bread bar, and a bowl of cereal before bed

I have also been able to have more runs outside, and my swimming is improving. My swim instructor said I no longer need lessons its just a case of practising. I think I may go along to a group lesson once a week though as am still finding my breathing hard. 

Do you like lots of little things? I love mini sizing everything so I can have a little bit of what I fancy
Have you ever dressed up? 

Monday, 26 March 2012

Cycling fuel

Howdy, hope everyone has had a fab weekend. I have done over 100 miles of cycling this weekend, and it got me thinking to do a post on the best foods to eat whilst on the bike. I have tried many things:

It often depends on what sort of ride I am doing. If its a fairly easy pace then something like a nakd bar, and a banana will do every half hour or so. In terms of nutrition I tend to go by the rule of your body weight in kg per hour as how many carbs that I will need. Although if the pace is harder, your body needs more. This is just a general rule as I know many cyclists who will have far less and some who will have more. As I don't tend to stop when I am cycling fast, I need something that is portable and also easy to digest. This has been somewhat of trail and error. But my favourite things to eat mid ride are:

Yep, sweets. They are easy to digest, soft to chew give you a much needed sugar boost. Although not the most healthiest, .when your burning 500 plus calories an hour you need carbs and you need them quick:p 
I find that some cereal bars will give me stomach cramps, especially if the pace is intense. However some of my favourite bars are as follows:

I like the Trek bars towards the end of a ride as they contain 11 grams of protein, so you can start the recovery process on the bike. 

I have also been experimenting with energy gels. Some don't tend to agree with me, and I also don't like the taste of many of them. But so far I have found the Torq and GU energy gels to be the best, and I swear they help me with all the hills around Devon. 


05.710.914.818.222.526.631.736.541.544.548.753.556.2Distance (miles)0200-200400Elevation (m)127.5

(Last long ride) 

The next thing that I will be trying out will be some carbohydrate drinks, as when I don't get a chance to eat or if the intensity is too high they are the easiest things to get fuel to your body. 

It has taken me a long time to realise how important nutrition is, and more importantly that it really does make a difference to your rides. However its not just what you eat on the bike, but also what you eat after that is doubly important. I will do another post on refuelling.  My speeds are best they have ever been,  and I  guess I learnt the hard way about what not properly fuelling your  body can do, hence a stress fracture!!! 

If you exercise more than an hour, what are your favourite carbs? (i've had many bad experiences with dried fruit, more so in running though)
Any foods you stay away from? 

Friday, 23 March 2012

Running shoes

I hope everyone in the UK is enjoying the wonderful weather today, is so nice to not wear multiple layers to leave the house in, and be able to get some vitamin D I always feel so much happier in the summer!!

This is the 3rd pair of running shoes I have bought in around 6 months!!! And its not because they have been overused. The first pair I got was bought at the end of last summer when I was first starting to take up running, I went to a sports shop. They put me on this machine and told me I over pronanted so needed a stability shoe. After having a brief relapse and stopping running I started again around November time, started to get ITB problem. Few months later  I visited a specialist running shop they didn’t do a proper gait analayis just looked at the way I walked said no way I was an over pronator so got a neutral shoe. Then had a stress fracture. I don’t know if it was the shoe that caused it, more like an overuse injury, or perhaps a mixture  of the both. But I didn’t want to start running properly until I had a proper gait analysis done. 

So I visited this specialist running shop after doing some googling, they did a gait analysis. And OMG the guy who I spoke to was seriously amazing, even if I went away I would come back to the same shop to see him. He firstly “chatted” to me asking me about the injuries, past history. I told him that I used to dance, and about my issues with osteoporosis and anorexia. He said that the shoe I had was too heavy for  me, he made reference to my frame size and said I needed a shoe that gave me flexibility in my feet. 

We did a few squat tests and he did pick up that I have fairly weak hips, I do have osteoporosis in my hips so this may be the reason. Then was running on the treadmill barefoot, it felt strange at first, this was also videoed so he could see my running style. I am apparently a forefoot striker. When I was running on the treadmill it showed that I didn’t over pronate, however when I ran on the treadmill with shoes on I did. After trying pair of pair of trainers on where the guy could tell straight away if the shoe wasn’t right. We settled for a neutral shoe, as many of the stability shoes were too heavy for me and I didn’t have any flexibility when running in them. Because I am a fore foot striker I need a shoe that have excellent forefoot cushioning, flexibility, and stability.  I knew when I was running in these

Adidas Supernova glide 4

That they felt right, I could move my feet freely and just felt so light in them. I must have spent nearly two hours chatting to the guy and finding the right shoes!!! And I am so glad I did. I feel more confident when I am running too. It also didn't cost me anything to have the gait analysis done, they charge £10 but if you buy a pair of shoes it costs you nothing. 

On Wednesday was my first little run in them. As I’m training for a triathlon I did a 20 mile bike ride followed by a 1 mile run. It was also the first time running straight of the bike, it felt strange for the first minute or two. But once I was running it felt so good, I can’t describe how wonderful it felt to run. I came back downed some strawberry soya milk followed by one of my paellas.

This week has been a pretty good week, had a nice catch up with a friend in nandos,  had a good swim lesson, managed a rest day yesterday, had a trip to waitrose with my boyfriend and treated myself to some food doctor granola its so good!!!, especially over porridge and banana:

I am actually quite relieved their isn’t a Waitrose too close by as I would seriously spend far too much money!!! I've also been doing some baking,  these 

Peanut butter protein bombs

And these

Taste just like the banana bread nakd bars

I’m looking forward to the weekend too as have my Boyfriend over and tonight we are making bellini cocktails. These are my favourite kind, I have expensive taste:p  although not too many as we are going on a ride together tomorrow morning. I've just come back from a 57 mile cycle ride over many hills, my laps were around 16mph, it just shows how strong my body is getting, and will hopefully continue to get strong. I am trying to use this as motivation, as my body image is starting to get difficult again, I'm looking in the mirror an not liking what I see. Determined to plod on though, despite what the ed tells me. 

Have you ever had a gait analysis? 
any plans for the weekend?
Are you  a cocktail drinker? 

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

WIAW-Mothers day

This WIAW is based on mothers day. For those of us in the UK last Sunday was mothers day; where we celebrate our love for our mummies:) I love my Mum so much and don't know what I would do without her. I will really miss her when I go away to Bournemouth. I treated her to a michael Jackson top, a photo with a picture of me and her in it:

I also got her this journal, called from you to me. My mum has quite bad memory problems, it has gotten worse over the past year to the point where she has sent money to people and not even realised what she was doing. She's still having tests to get a proper diagnosis its not dementia, but is most likely caused by previous overdoses, as a recent scan showed a decrease in her brain matter. So I am always trying to find things that can help with her memory and this seemed ideal; its basically something for her to fill in to tell me all about her life,and what I was like as a child. Their is more info here if anyone wanted to check it out. gifts. 

After I had exchanged gifts. I had my breakfast; I tried the Philadelphia cream cheese and cadburys chocolate and it was so so nice!!!, the other side was honey

Then had a pressing date with my lovely boyfriend. This involved a cycle ride with a tea stop. We usually stop halfway through the ride, the place we planned to go to was actually closed!!! But knowing the area fairly well we cycled to the Cranks Resturant in Totnes. Its a quite famous vegetarian resturant.  Andy had his usual cream tea  which I had a piece off, and I had some wholemeal toast and jam. after the stop we did a loop, overall I think we did 25 miles. Was a fairly easy ride for me, as I seem to climb like a goat in my new bike:p 

Came home showered, and turned from a sweaty cyclist to a less sweaty cyclist. I love wearing red. Think it looks quite nice with blonde hair. 

I had booked us in a local resturant, that is always so hard to get booked in too. At xmas they get fully booked by AUGUST!!!!! They do a really great carvery, and it also pleases me as they do my favourite veggie nut roast:

I had it with a huge side of vegetables:

 Okay this is where I felt the ed was starting to annoy me. I do love the nut roast, but I kind of wanted something different, but wasn't sure how it would turn up, what would be in it etc.  Sometimes the internal battle can be so tormenting,  I just wish I could go out for a meal and choose what I wanted not what the ed wanted. Although it was a really nice meal, and the nut roast is one of the most nicest things that I have tried. It was also really nice to spend some time with my Mum as we don't often get to do, as she never goes out.

Dinner was a butternut squash rissoto that I had made previously, I accidently forgot to take it out the lid, well I did think it would be oven proof clearnly not haha

It was edible though once I had transfered it to a plate, had it with  some goats cheese on top, a veggie sausage and a load of vegetables. 

Before bed I had one of my favourite breakfasts:

Dorset cereals gingerbread oats with peanut butter

I have finally been able to run again!!! I went to a running shop on Monday, and got some amazing advice. I have been in the wrong trainers I am going to do a post about this soon, but I spent nearly two hours trying to find the right shoe. 

Do you have a snack before bed? Whats your favourite? I think mine is usually some form of cereal. 
Did you do anything nice for mothers day? 

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Swim lesson and feeling hopefull

Woop, its the weekend!!! I am especially happy that it is the weekend because, I am no longer working in a pub!!! No more drunken louts shouting at me, no more not having chance to pee because the bar is so busy. I did hand my notice in early, as I just couldn't cope with working anymore evening shifts especially on a Saturday night.It was starting to effect my mental health and some shifts I was going home crying to my Mum as feel so out of place at work, and was hard to manage eating enough as we weren't even allowed breaks for a six hour shift.  My CRB is now in the printing stage so it shouldn't be too long away, and is nice to have a few weeks off until I start my new job as a health care assistant which I really can't wait for. Want to be doing a job that is enjoyable and I really enjoy helping people.

On Wednesday I had my first swim lesson, I was pretty nervous beforehand... even more so when she asked me to swim some lengths. My stroke was awful I was out of breath after doing less than 50 metres!!!! I bet she thought "This is gonna be hard!!!". The first part of the lesson was spent building my confidence up in the water, my bad habit was not putting my head in right. So spent around 10 minutes working on just gliding in the water:

Basically this, it felt strange at fisrt but I soon got the hang of looking face down in the water We had to firstly get my position right out of the water. The rest of the lesson was spent doing some drills with a kickboard, with one arm on the float the other down by my leg and kicking on the side. Then the arms were brought in, with one arm doing the front crawl. We focused also on my breathing, and lastly was my head action and trying to get me to body roll. When I lift my head to breathe I am not body rolling, I was SINKING haha. So at least I know where I was going wrong. However at the end of the lesson she said she could already see an improvement in my form, I apparently have the speed but just not the technique, and need to work on my arm strength. I also did some backstroke drills but not using my legs just my arms which was really hard work!!! 

I've been to the pool everyday since my lesson, and feel that I am getting the hang of body rolling, and trying not to reduce my drag when I lift my head out of the water. I've also been using more arm weight machines in the gym and did a body pump and combat class today. I actually feel like I am actually swimming, not just paddling in the water hehe. However my swim endurance is rubbish compared to the bike. Can easily go for a 45 mile cycle ride and think nothing of it. But I can barely do less than a mile in the pool. Even after swimming a few lengths have to stop for a minute or two. Swimming I swear makes me the hungriest out of all three, and I'm only in the pool for 30 minutes!!!!


I need to talk about something eating disordered so feel free to skip by. I think I have spoken about this before, but I feel what kept me so controlled and ill by the anorexia was that I was scared of losing my identity.I didn't know who I was without the anorexia, I was so scared of losing something that practically nearly killed me, but I felt I had nothing in my life.

However right now I feel quite damn good about my recovery, my future. I now longer see myself as just my eating disorder. Admittedly it is still their, and I probably know that to some degree it will always be their. But I am starting to see myself as an athelete, a person, a student. People are knowing me know as an athelete. I was in Tescos the other day and bumped into a guy from the bike shop I got my bike from he is also a triathelete and does spinning classes and felt so good to speak to him about bikes, cycling, training. I did lol at myself as felt like a typical athlete walking around tescos with a load of bagels and bananas. Where in the past I guess i have felt like a "typical anorexic" walking around with some apples and salads in my hands. I know which one I would like to be associated with:p And today after my swim session, I was chatting to this women I think we were talking about the lanes in the pool and she was telling me about how she did the london triatlon, she even said I was a fast swimmer lol. 

People from my job knew me as a runner a cyclist, and this is who I want to be known as. Even though I am injured from running I am still a runner. I love the fact that my body is getting stronger, my cycling is improving, I'm able to increase the weights, my concentration is improving. I can go out to eat, and not worry. I can drink cocktails and eat pizza well with a salad in the middle:p But I feel that for the first time in my life I am building my future, I am finding out who I am as a person, and I am determined to not let anorexia steal anymore of my life. I am doing things I never thought ever possible, I honestly never thought my life would be anything but living in an anorexic bubble. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, be able to eat what I felt like eating, get to University. But my folks it is possible you can come from the deepest of holes and still find a light at the end of that tunnel. 

After than somehwat long drifted post time for some of my yummy eats. I've been trying to have different breakfasts, it really is my favourite meal of the day and will often have two breakfats one before training and one after. I've been craving bagels recently and am pleased that tescos has my favourite food doctor bagels on buy one get one free!!!

Bagel with jam and Houmous

oats in a jar

chopped apples, peanut butter and banana on rye bread

Lunches have been fairly simple and light, as I've been quite busy so been having more snacky time things. The food doctor pittas are my favourite:

Filled with some goats cheese

Have you ever had a 1to1 swim lesson? 
Favourite pitta filling?