Swim lesson and feeling hopefull

Woop, its the weekend!!! I am especially happy that it is the weekend because, I am no longer working in a pub!!! No more drunken louts shouting at me, no more not having chance to pee because the bar is so busy. I did hand my notice in early, as I just couldn't cope with working anymore evening shifts especially on a Saturday night.It was starting to effect my mental health and some shifts I was going home crying to my Mum as feel so out of place at work, and was hard to manage eating enough as we weren't even allowed breaks for a six hour shift.  My CRB is now in the printing stage so it shouldn't be too long away, and is nice to have a few weeks off until I start my new job as a health care assistant which I really can't wait for. Want to be doing a job that is enjoyable and I really enjoy helping people.

On Wednesday I had my first swim lesson, I was pretty nervous beforehand... even more so when she asked me to swim some lengths. My stroke was awful I was out of breath after doing less than 50 metres!!!! I bet she thought "This is gonna be hard!!!". The first part of the lesson was spent building my confidence up in the water, my bad habit was not putting my head in right. So spent around 10 minutes working on just gliding in the water:
So

Basically this, it felt strange at fisrt but I soon got the hang of looking face down in the water We had to firstly get my position right out of the water. The rest of the lesson was spent doing some drills with a kickboard, with one arm on the float the other down by my leg and kicking on the side. Then the arms were brought in, with one arm doing the front crawl. We focused also on my breathing, and lastly was my head action and trying to get me to body roll. When I lift my head to breathe I am not body rolling, I was SINKING haha. So at least I know where I was going wrong. However at the end of the lesson she said she could already see an improvement in my form, I apparently have the speed but just not the technique, and need to work on my arm strength. I also did some backstroke drills but not using my legs just my arms which was really hard work!!! 

I've been to the pool everyday since my lesson, and feel that I am getting the hang of body rolling, and trying not to reduce my drag when I lift my head out of the water. I've also been using more arm weight machines in the gym and did a body pump and combat class today. I actually feel like I am actually swimming, not just paddling in the water hehe. However my swim endurance is rubbish compared to the bike. Can easily go for a 45 mile cycle ride and think nothing of it. But I can barely do less than a mile in the pool. Even after swimming a few lengths have to stop for a minute or two. Swimming I swear makes me the hungriest out of all three, and I'm only in the pool for 30 minutes!!!!

Identity

I need to talk about something eating disordered so feel free to skip by. I think I have spoken about this before, but I feel what kept me so controlled and ill by the anorexia was that I was scared of losing my identity.I didn't know who I was without the anorexia, I was so scared of losing something that practically nearly killed me, but I felt I had nothing in my life.

However right now I feel quite damn good about my recovery, my future. I now longer see myself as just my eating disorder. Admittedly it is still their, and I probably know that to some degree it will always be their. But I am starting to see myself as an athelete, a person, a student. People are knowing me know as an athelete. I was in Tescos the other day and bumped into a guy from the bike shop I got my bike from he is also a triathelete and does spinning classes and felt so good to speak to him about bikes, cycling, training. I did lol at myself as felt like a typical athlete walking around tescos with a load of bagels and bananas. Where in the past I guess i have felt like a "typical anorexic" walking around with some apples and salads in my hands. I know which one I would like to be associated with:p And today after my swim session, I was chatting to this women I think we were talking about the lanes in the pool and she was telling me about how she did the london triatlon, she even said I was a fast swimmer lol. 

People from my job knew me as a runner a cyclist, and this is who I want to be known as. Even though I am injured from running I am still a runner. I love the fact that my body is getting stronger, my cycling is improving, I'm able to increase the weights, my concentration is improving. I can go out to eat, and not worry. I can drink cocktails and eat pizza well with a salad in the middle:p But I feel that for the first time in my life I am building my future, I am finding out who I am as a person, and I am determined to not let anorexia steal anymore of my life. I am doing things I never thought ever possible, I honestly never thought my life would be anything but living in an anorexic bubble. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, be able to eat what I felt like eating, get to University. But my folks it is possible you can come from the deepest of holes and still find a light at the end of that tunnel. 

After than somehwat long drifted post time for some of my yummy eats. I've been trying to have different breakfasts, it really is my favourite meal of the day and will often have two breakfats one before training and one after. I've been craving bagels recently and am pleased that tescos has my favourite food doctor bagels on buy one get one free!!!

Bagel with jam and Houmous

oats in a jar

chopped apples, peanut butter and banana on rye bread

Lunches have been fairly simple and light, as I've been quite busy so been having more snacky time things. The food doctor pittas are my favourite:

Filled with some goats cheese

Have you ever had a 1to1 swim lesson? 

Favourite pitta filling? 

WIAW and recovery talk

So thought I would particpate this week.

 Firstly I have to recap on my awesome 10 mile run that I had on Monday. I felt so good all the way through it.

Summary

Distance:	10.00 mi
Time:	1:29:57
Avg Pace:	8:57 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	161 ft
Calories:	711 C

Sorry about the calorie info!! Comes with the summary on my Garmin. I was most pleased because the week before I did the same run my pace was 9.25. I really want to do the half in less than 2 hours. 

I also have decided that I really need to try and gain some weight, when I saw my dietician she said if it has stayed the same or hasn't increased to add in an extra 150, I didn't manage it the past two days but from today I am making the effort!! I came back from my run this morning, and had the worst pain in my hip and know if I want to take the running and cycling seriously I need to gain some and to try and get my periods back as the lack of oestrogen is bad news when it comes to injuries. I really want to properly recover if I am ever to be a good occupational therapist. I am not saying it will dissapear overnight or if it will ever truly go. But I can try though? Had an appointment with my therapist today and we spoke about how I am very much all or nothing which is a common trait seen in anorexia, when I cycle I don't just go for 5 miles I do 60 mile rides, I don't just run a few streets I train for half marathons, when I was very ill I didn't just lose a bit of weight but a lot. I am very determined and in the past this has been unhealthy but now I can turn it around and be determined to succeed. 

So after than rant... onto to what I ate yesterday!!! Which was actually a rest day for me, it was hard but I saw through it okay. I spent most of the afternoon cooking a traditional french dish, a bean cassoulet. I will upload the recipe tomorrow. 

Breakfast:

Oats with strawberries and strawberry flavoured protein powder

Lunch

I bought an onion squash from a local organic veg market, and it was so tiny and cute!!

I put some cottage cheese in it and roasted it with some more veggies and fish. This was consumed with my adorable cat Ruby!!! Who yes shared some fish with me!!

I snacked on some fruit in the afternoon whilst I was cooking dinner:

Basically underneath the crumb topping of wholemeal bread and some chopped nuts is butternut squash, butter beans, and kidney beans with plenty of herbs. It was so good and I shared it with my boyfriend who loved it!!! I also was able to freeze some. 

Whats your favourite way to eat beans? I love them in stews and casseroles. 

How do you spend your rest days? 

Are you an all or nothing person? 

Cocktail Time

Good day peeps. Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday. I have had a nice few days despite being at work which I really detest. But feeling myself get so much stronger running, and yesterday I went on a cycle ride it was meant to be a fairly easy cycle but being on the bike gave me so much freedom and ended up cycling up some hills. But it made me realise how much more work I need to do with food and I think the months that anorexia got really strong and I ended up in hospital I wasted some muscle damage so this is all the more reason to continue to fight no matter how strong the voice gets. (side note I was in hospital for really bad depression not for anorexia but I was barely eating at the time)   I want so much more than this horrid illness, I sometimes shudder when I think back to all the years I had lost to this illness and never want to go back to those dark days again.

Last night was a nice evening I cooked dinner for me and my boyfriend. I bought a load of squashes from the organic market in Totnes only place I have found different squashes. My local town stocks butternut squash and thats it. So I roasted some of this:

Which I believe is Kabocha squash I just love how orange they are inside:

I also cooked a sweet pototao.  I had this paired with a tuna steak and some broccoli and chantey carrots.

Me and my boyfriend had a fun evening planned making cocktails:

We made  Mojitos which were pretty easy to make. You just need

Rum

Fresh Mint leaves

Sugar

Lime and Soda Water

First step was to mash the mint leaves with one teaspoon of sugar

Then add 50ml rum 25 ml of lime juice and as much soda as you like and then the crushed ice on the top and alas two cocktails!!

Ever made cocktails? 

Little update and book review

From having so much free time I have been able to catch up with some reading, and recently re-read the following book that I am going to review. I feel I am slowly starting to heal and slowly come to terms with the loss of a friend, and hopefully get things back to how they were.  I think the plan once I leave hospital will be to go into supported housing again. It has helped me in the past so I am hopefully it will help me again. I have been receiving so much support from friends which I am internally grateful for. I honestly don't think I would have been able to pull through this without them. 

Biting Anorexia- By Lucy Howard-Taylor

Many books I have read on anorexia especially those that are an auto-biography can be triggering with the inclusion of weights, BMI’s, and food consumed. However I found this book to be a powerful, insightful memoir of anorexia.

 Split primarily into three section, The Dark; where the author talks about living in the depths of the illness, which offers an insightful and brutally honest account of that anorexic voice that many suffers will relate too. Reading the final page of this section is extremely harrowing as it poetically describes what it is like living with anorexia and the sheer grip it can hold on you.

 The Gray; is the next section of the book; which the author talks about her journey of recovery and finding her place in the world again,  whilst recovering from an eating disorder and depression. What I like about this, is how honest she is with her journey of recovery. This sentence really echoed with me

 “It is indescribly difficult, writing this. I cannot seem to find words for how excruciating choosing between anorexia and life was. This will not make sense to you, or perhaps (unfortunately) will “. 

She talks of her struggles with bingeing, body image, depression,  relationships and low self esteem in a poetic, but easy to read and understand format.

The final part of the book “The Light” Howard-Taylor gives advice on what has been beneficial in her journey of recovery, and how it is possible to move on from anorexia. What I liked about the ending was her honesty that yes she is at a healthy BMI and the anorexia and depression don’t dominate her life, but she will still have those bad body image days and will still need to take medication to counteract the depression. 

I decided to review this mainly because it was my Mum that took so much from this book. She had passed it around to all her friends, she has read a few books on anorexia but this one really appeared to echo with her. Where I think for the first time she really understood it. Throughout the book the author’s sense of humour is highlighted, and it truly captures the challenges that occur with recovery. I would recommend this book to anyone who is in recovery from anorexia, or even looking to understand the illness that many people who haven’t had lived experience often misunderstand. 

Their is also a really  good pro recovery forum which the author was one of the first members of which offers support to those in recovery from any eating disorder. 

long time no see!!!

Well it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, and I dont think I will be updating it more regulary until I am in a better frame of mind as I wanted it to be positive, and more recovery focused on living a life free from anorexia and not engaging with the illness and feeling like I want to die all the time. 


An update to be brief and I guess matter of fact, the funeral was two weeks ago, I thought I could cope with it but clearly I couldn't. Their was a get together at the pub where haven't not eaten all day I drank 3 glasses of wine and then went on  a self destructive route where I couldn't stop myself banging my head on a car window had to be restrained by a member of staff, I went up with the people from whom I was in supported housing with. I came back home well got dropped off. Took an overdose, came out the next day, the day after that took another overdose, it was partly planned had written goodbye letters to everyone. Got saw by the psych, seen by the crisis team. The following day let out, then the day after decided again I can't cope so went to totnes with the intention of not eating and drinking and just dying in a nice b and b. eventually saw matt a support worker whom I am very close too and someone from the crisis team. They suggested hospital nooo I can't go not today, I am fine I won't do it again I just want to be left alone. no such luck ended up agreeing to go. 


Depression and anorexia is the worst it has ever been, I tried to escape again on monday after some more bad news that I won't go into. Ran away to newton abbot, completely out of mind didn't know what I was doing, and here I am still in the psych ward under section 2. Appealing against it though.

Where am I now???


I am fighting for survival, I have so much support from close friends and family. The psych is amazing, as are most of the staff. Although they don't fully understand anorexia, they do want to help. I realise that this is a big set back, but when has life ever been plain sailing when has their ever been one easy road to fall down too. I have't given up hope that I can be well again. I have done it once before, I am slowly starting to eat again and utilise the support that I have. I know myself incredibly well and know what works for me. 

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train? 

I made a mistake

Hope everyone has had a nice weekend I have worked through most of mine, but did go the gym this evening which was good. really enjoying running. I am building up slowly as you use lots of different muscles in comparison to cycling so just did 20 minutes on the treadmill.

Well in relation to my title, today at work I made a bobo:( I didn't realise I had done it until one of the team leaders (trainee manager) asked to have a word with me, and I had taken an old £20 note, and even when she was askng me which one was the new one I didn't know:( I felt so stupid, and it was made worse by her mentioning this in front of other colleagues and her practically shouting at me saying that I had lost the company £20. I very nearly cried, in fact afterwards had to struggle to hold the tears back. I have never been shown how to check whether the £20 note is valid or not their is some screen underneath and it was difficult to not let all my negative thinking enter my mind " failure", "screwup" "pathetic" and then my ed was telling me that the only thing I was good at was losing weight.

But I have managed to not give in to all my automatic thoughts but is so so hard, and guess that people do make mistakes. I know I have made many in the past. I am working again tomorrow, hopefully I will have a better shift. Sometimes living this life is so difficult where I am having to deal with things I haven't had to deal with and I am ashamed to say that I don't feel 25 I still feel like a nieve 18-19 year old which was the age I got really ill from anorexia i have heard that you stay your age that you got ill from :(

Anyway enough ramblings, this evening I had a portion of the lemony lentil dahl that I cooked, I had it with the other half of the microwavable rice:

My food pictures are awful. I really need to invest in a different camera or something. Or add more colour I guess dahl isn't really a bright colour!

Lemony lentil dahl- serves 4-6

1 tbsp oil
1 onion
salt and freshly ground pepper
2 crushed garlic cloves
5cm piece of ginger
spices-I used garam masala, tumeric, and curry powder ( I never measure my spices just sprinkle and taste!)
300g red lentils
grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
carrots and swede chopped
900ml hot vegetable stock

Directions

1. heat the oil in the pan and add the onion, a pinch of salt and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic, ginger, and spices.
2. stir in the lentils, chopped veg, and lemon zest pour over the stock and simmer for about 20 minutes until the lentils are cooked. 
3. Season well with salt and pepper and add more spices if needed;), the add the lemon juice. Serve with rice, naan, or whatever!

Well lets hope tomorrow is a good day. I am working till 3pm then seeing a friend which I am really looking forward too!!

Occupational health and time of the month

This post may be a bit long winded as I have a lot to gabble about;)

Firstly yesterday was a tad stressful-I had occupational health to visit for my course that is to start in September. I am hopefully going to train to be an occupational therapist a career that I feel passionate can make a real difference to people's lives. Having activities in my life has helped me so much with my condition, and I really feel  that I have a lot to offer people in helping them in their recovery; be that a mental, physical, social, or any difficulty... anyway.

(yes cocktail drinking is an activity!)


I had to see someone at Bournemouth hospital which is a 3 hr car journey, I have been worried about it for months because of my past and current history battling anorexia and depression. Although I am well on my way to recovery and have come on a long way I still need some support and am not 100% recovered. I do hope that one day I can say that I am:) I was told my many it was a formality for them to make sure they have support in place for me. But when I was told that I need to get my GP and CPN to provide further details especially as I mentioned I have been in supported housing for nearly 2 years. I broke down I couldn't control the tears, I want to go to uni so badly I am more than ready from it. I am well aware that the course is stressful but over the past two years I have had more than my far share of stress..

 with my Mum nearly dying from her 3 rd overdose, a close friend dying, my sister taking an overdose. AND... I have had no more admissions, my weight hasn't dropped low. I have been able to get things back on track. 

I do have the support of my GP and CPN and they just have to provide details of my current illness, any events, what support I have been getting, and if my weight has been stable over the past two years. She was also concerned that I hadn't done any work for about 5 years, its a good job I do have a job now. However on a plus she did email the university to ask if they can reserve a place in halls for me. I am trying not to think the worst that I won't be allowed to start, I feel more than ready to go to university.

In other news ( women's stuff mentioned)


A few weeks ago I mentioned about trying out the contraceptive pill. I visited my GP and she prescribed it to me as I have a lot of concerns about my bone health (have osteoporosis) and about one day being able to have kids. So she suggested I go on one. I was feeling quite sick from taking it and If I was gaining weight I wanted to get my periods back naturally as that would mean my body would be healthy:) so I stopped taking it I took it for maybe two weeks. Anyway this morning I had a bleed. How I felt...shocked, scared, relieved, pleased It means that hopefully my bones are not degrading as we speak and that I am able to have kids.

 I didn't expect it tbh as I only took the pill for two weeks.  However I know its not getting my period back naturally. I am going to speak to my GP next week and ask her advice on whether I should continue taking it or not. Today did feel a bit surreal I haven't had my period for about 5 years and obviously had no stuff, so had to get the bus in to town, get some pads and tampons. I remember I did use to wear tampons but really wouldn't have a clue how they urm work so I have used pads today. Oh my I am sorry if this is tmi but I need somewhere to talk about it. I felt like a 15 year old girl again. 

Which finally brings me today, where I saw my CPN which helped eased my mind about occupational health. Then went to the gym. Managing to run again on the treadmill, going to start off slowly this time Then I met a friend for a drink. We met at an EDA support group, she was ill for about 4 years then she just decided that she didn't want to be this way anymore and started to eat again. She is now fully recovered and takes part in triathlons. We both talked about how exercise has been beneficial in eating disorder recovery, yes I would exercise when I deep in anorexia but that was just walking miles and miles.

 But you can't run or cycle on no food. I want to get stronger at cycling and running and know you can't do that when your underweight and not eating enough. Exercise makes me feel so damn good I love feeling myself get faster and improving. She inspired me to look in to doing triathletes. I mean I cycle, I can run, and swim and maybe it will be a good laugh. She says the ones she does are more warm ups for the serious atheletes who do iron mans. We talked about how great life is no longer being controlled by an eating disorder. However I did feel a bit idk shocked that she just could snap out of it just like that I sometimes wish that would have been the case for me. But I guess recovery is a journey?

Tonight I cooked a lemony lentil dahl:

I then decided it looked quite lonely in the bowl so roasted some butternut squash and more mushrooms

Will upload the recipe tomorrow. Got some portions to freeze too.

How has exercise helped you? Doesn't have to be ed related 
Any experiences of university? 

my birthday!!!

So I have been absent for a few days but that has been because I have been so busy. It was birthday yesterday and I had probably the best birthday I have had in a long while. Most of my birthday over the past few years have been horrid as most of those have been spent in hospital! Although I was dreading it because I was turning 25! and I can't tell you how old I feel and it sometimes saddens me when I think of the years wasted because of the ed, but I guess those years have shape the person I am today.

It was the first birthday since I was probably 18 that I felt alive again, like I can see a future ahead of me that for once I am happy. I was amongst friends and for years I have isolated myself where I guess I told myself that I didn't need friends as I had anorexia as a friend well a devil really. Also I felt comfortable in my own body and I felt pretty.

FOr my birthday I went to pizza express where i had one of their allegra pizzas it has a hole in the middle filled with a salad, my pizza contain mozzerella cheese, courgettes, mushrooms, peppers, and I had extra goats cheese. For desert I had a gelato desert with nougat, praline and marsala wine. It was all so nice, I love pizza I should make an effort to eat it more. 


I feel very positive at the moment about my recovery and my future. The ed is very much starting to loosen its grip on me and I feel that I am winning the battle. Today at work I had a meal their for the first time I work in a pub so get 50% of their meals and I had usually been bringing my own in. But I really wanted a roast so had a portabello mushroom and chickpea loaf with veg, stuffing, and 2 huge yorskire puds! I swapped the potatoes for yorksire!!

I have had an all day hangover so not good. however I did try a toffee apple cider.

Eating disorders kill

I wasn't sure whether to write about this or not. But I know people who may read this and whom also battle with  an eating disorder. But yesterday I had the sad news of  a girl that had died because of complications of her anorexia. I knew she was very poorly, and seemed to have little in the way of support. It was only last week we were talking on facebook chat about in-patient support and how it had helped me to get to a better place. I didn't know her very well, we were only connected because she had an eating disorder, buts he was such a sweet sweet girl and didn't deserve to leave this way. She also had a blog. Twenty years old:( what a sad sad loss, she was so young and was doing an open university course. I know she will be grately missed.

It is the shocking reality that eating disorders KILL. I know from being in a very sorry state you never ever think it could happen to you. It was only two years ago that I was in and out on a general ward waiting for a bed at an IP unit and that was the first time it dawned on me that "holy shit, I didn't mean for this to happen". After that moment I chose life.

So I am shouting this out to all who struggle, all who battle to take care of yourself. You only get one life, their is no going back. Recovery is so worth it. I never thought I would be anything but my eating disorder, I never for the life of me thought that I would ever get to go to university or be working and eating what I do now. It has been a struggle at times but so worth it.

Their is no question no pretty picture but to say that those who struggle seek support, their is hope and with hard work their is a life out their for you. I am not claiming to be 100% recovered I am still battling my demons but I believe that one day I will get their.

Goats Cheese and Jam sandwich

So I never thought this would go together but it actually did. I have been addicted to goats cheese recently and when I last went out to eat I had this goats cheese and fig relish sandwich I have been trying to hunt down thsi relish for ages but no such luck the cafe said they will order me some in (they go to ashburton to collect it!). 

Anyway this is going to be fairly short and sweet as I shortly have to dash of to work. Last night I really enjoyed my shift, even though when I first came on the bar this guy said to me I look about 11!!! Yes cheers thanks for that:p I actually don't like looking as young as I do I am nearly 25 and people still see me as this young little girl. In the past one of the main triggers of my anorexia was to not look like a women, not be seen as attractive have boobs a womanly figure but now this is not so much the case I don't want to look so child like I guess I should be grateful in that I look so young but even if I could pass for 20 it would be something lol

 I think my shift went better because I had some clue as to where things were and can now properly pull pints lol! It was really nice to be in a social job and be able to interact with others and not feel quite so anxious as I have been in the past which will help me with uni. I also ate more than I did before my shift yesterday and that really helped had some lush  food doctor nuts the roasted bean mix with my goats cheese and jam sarnie coupled with an apple and a nakd berry bar, I love picnic style food!

I really can't wait to go:D:D and I will be able to transfer to the one in Bournemouth.

I am feeling a lot more like my old self again, although I am still counting what I am eating I am not obsessing over it I don't have time for it and I hate doing it. Bring on life fly away ed!!

Any other guys at uni? How did you find your first year with money, social life?