Out with the scales in with the cookies

I have made a decision that I am giving my scales to my Mum and will be weighing myself once a week. It is not normal to weigh myself every day and they never make me happy, I refuse to let a number dictate how I feel.

I have had to calorie count which I really detest doing, but it is for a positive reason as I am reaching a high number so I can put on those pounds. I need to get my period back, and well I want to reach proper recovery. From doing my own research has read if you get X amount (don’t want to say but people can message me if they want to know calories I am aiming for) it is best to nourish all the damage that eating disorders do to yoru body, it also repairs the metabolism so when you get to maintenance you maintain on a higher number:D which is always a good thing as I love to eat!

Sweet potato with cottage cheese and tuna, and some mushrooms.

The meal went really well, although I got drunk so so quickly as we had to wait ages for the food, then we went to a bar and I danced the night away. To eat I had Tandoori Chicken Shatkora which was Tandoori chicken cooked with Shatkora fruit(Bengal citrus fruit) & a blend of spices, some boiled rice and naan!!!  I like indian food but my favorite is defiantly asian style foods like stir frys and buckwheat noodles, and of course my favourite sushi!!

Pushing the boundaries again:

Peanut butter cookies from nicky's blog

They were yum, and didn't even last the day, my Mum had one and I had the rest hehe. First time using fats in cooking and loved them, they were really filling too. Will be making some more very soon Yesterdays food was these and copious bowls of granola and weetabix crunchy bran. It was really all I was craving as had the worse hangover ever!!!

Today was a work day, and the break situation is so annoying!!!:( I did 8 and 1/2 hours today and so got 1x20 minutes and 1x 10, this is fair enough but what isn't fair is having my first break at 11.30, 1 and a half hours which is meant to be "lunch" I asked for 15 minutes and 15 minutes later as I wasn't really that hungry for lunch, and then I didn't get another break until 4pm and that is nearly 5 hours with no food:( this isn't good for my blood sugar levels I need to eat at least every 2 and 1/2 hours sometimes less than this. Luckily I brought some dried fruit with me that I managed to pick at and a small nakd bar which I had when I was meant to be going to the "toliet". Anyway their is nothing I cam do about it so I just have to bring some cereal bars with me and dried fruit and tomorrow is even worse as I am their from 9 to 4 and get just 1 x 20 minute break and no doubt I will get it at like 10.30am which mean I have to go without food until 4pm. I am sorry their is no way I can go that long lol. So plan to bring a trek bar with me:) 

Packed lunch-Goats cheese and fig relish sarnie

Anyone else have to deal with annoying breaks when at college/ work? How do you manage them? 

Anyone else struggle with weighing daily? I am determined to beat this shit!!

Meet Marie

My cookies went down a treat at work:) I really love working at the moment, has given me such a sense of normality and is challenging how I feel about my body, recovery, and just leading a happy life. I wasn't really sure what to blog about today. So I thought I would share some pictures of my cats. Marie used to live with me at my last house but when I moved I couldn't take her with me so she now lives with my Mum and well I am at my Mums until I go Uni.

Marie:

Marie with our other Siamese Ruby

Oh I love my kitty cuddles

Siamese are possible one of the most human like breeds of cats. Marie is almost like a dog, she plays fetch if you chuck her a toy she will bring it back. She cuddles you like a baby and is possibly the most adorable affectionate cat I have ever come across. 

Breakfast number one chopped apple and nectarine with cottage cheese, muelsi, and a dollop of crunchy peanut butter

This afternoon I went on a bike ride covered a hilly terian with average speed of 16 mph and around 35 miles. It has been so sunny today and made the perfect bike riding weather. 

Looks gross but tasted fab, 1/2 cup oats cooked with natural yogurt and water, then added cocoa powder, chopped banana and almond butter. 

This evening I am of out for an indian. I am feeling a bit nervous not because of the food but because of the social side of it. It is someone from works birthday and I don't know her of anyone particularly well. But I am looking forward to it. Ya know I have probably been to an indian resturant once and that was when I was quite sick and this time will be different. Plus I need to gain. want to get my period back. Think a glass of wine will calm my nerves. 

ahhh my hair is so wild at the moment!!! Hope it stays okay. 

Anyone have any pets? Favorite thing at an indian?

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train? 

WIAW-paella

Woop WIAW!!!

Check out the others here: http://www.peasandcrayons.com/

 I think this is my third one and I do quite enjoy it especially getting inspiration from others. I always like being in a place where my eats are all balanced, something I never thought I would be able to do.


Well this isn't strictly what I ate on Wednesday but is from a few days ago as today is pretty boring as I am at work boo!


Anyway:


Breakfast: oats with chopped fresh apricots, apple, fromage frais yogurt and linwoods milled cocoa berries flaxseeds

Mid-morning was a bowl of fresh strawberries with natural yogurt and seeds

Lunch was something different for me, and it was something I remember loving as a kid. It was a chicken Kiev! These ones were sainsburys be good to yourself ones that I bought ages ago when they were reduced so I had them with a salad of rocket, watercress, and spinach with some roasted butternut squash! I seriously love butternut squash so much.

Yep that is brown sauce the guiness one:p

Dinner this evening, was a new dish for me to cook which turned out fab. I present you a paella! If you do cook this you have to add the saffron I know its expensive but it makes it taste so so good:

Paella (serves 4)

Ingredients

1tsp hemp seed good oil

1 red onion

garlic cloves

200g paella rice

a large pinch of saffron

a large pinch of paprika

Veg-I used mushrooms, and peppers but anything would really go in this dish)

about 300g prawns, and 200g of chicken. 

400ml vegetable stock

Directions:

1. Heat the oil then add the onion, garlic, and vegetables. Stir in the paella rice, saffron and paprika. 

2. Add the veg stock, and simmer for 15 minutes until the rice is tender. 

3. Add the chicken and prawns (these were pre cooked) and stir through. I squeezed some lemon juice over the top. 

This is also freezable which is a big plus. 

Uni Update

I have yet again to go down to Bournemouth on the 4th September which I guess is a good sign as if the were going to not let me on the course they wouldn't make me go all the way to Bournemouth to tell me that! But its a tad stressful as I meant to start at the end of september. Oh well, just have to keep going at the moment which I am doing. I have been invited out for an indian on Sunday night! It has been a long time since I have had Indian in a restaurant. 

Anyone know how to use protein powder in porridge? ever made paella? 

Sleep and bargains

I called my GP this morning as I have been having big problems trying to sleep,and it has led to night time eating which is also quite distressing. I tend to over think and this uni situation is on my mind and at night it is ten times worse and I just can't switch off. So I have been given some sleeping pills. I really love my GP she is the one doctor I have seen that really gets anorexia in an almost scary way like she has been their too. I told her the situation with uni and she said to me " I didn't say this, but you should get a lawyer" I am hoping it won't come to that, but on Wednesday I will be sending an email and my community team that I still see will be sending another letter in with the email. I need to hear this week not in a few weeks time I am meant to start uni in less than a month!!! I hate not being able to sleep it is so important for good mental and physical well being. 

Bargains

I like myself a good old bargain. Especially being a student where I know I need to watch the pennies. Well yesterday I was out with Mum and Dad and we happened to be near a sainsburys and it was close to closing time so... the perfect opportunity to get lots of reduced food. I used to this a lot when I lived more close to supermarkets but if you go a few hours before they finish trading they reduce all the fresh produce. Well this is what I managed to pick up:

Most of the veg was 30p-this was 200g organic carrots, 250g fresh beetroot, 4 taste the difference flat mushrooms, fruit salad of mango, pineapple and grapes, bunched parsley, fresh watermelon. 

Non-reduced stuff was natural cottage cheese, 3 nut butters! they have a 1/3 of their nut butters at the mo and I stocked up on almond, cashew, and chocolate chip peanut butter ( I am addicted to the chocolate chip one!!), some museli, and pink lady apples, also not pictured was a cherry pie for my Dad which was also reduced to 59p. All in all this came too £9.80. I used some of the carrots in a stew I made this evening, and had some of the mushrooms stuffed with cheese and seeds. 

Exercise today was one of my long bike rides. But it wasn't as good as I have done before and was a bit dissapointed. Did 40 miles and an average speed of 16mph their were some hills.  but I think I need a rest day as my legs felt so heavy. So tomorrow will be a leg rest day! I am at work all day so won't get the anxious feeling that I sometimes get when I am not exercising as my job is fairly active on my feet all the time. For lunch today after my ride I had a meal I haven't had in a while, quick, easy and fairly cheap!! Beans on toast with some low fat cheddar:

I met a friend for coffee this afternoon which was nice. Told her about my Uni situation and she thinks its ridiculous. She said how much better I look from when I did the access course and that I look healthy!! Even a few months back those words would have shuddered down my spine, but I want recovery so bad. 

I am nearly at a healthy weight and I really never thought that would be possible. I thought my life was the ed  that it was me. I thought it would have killed me, I didn't want  a womanly body, I wanted to stay childlike. But now I want a life so badly, I want to have kids one day, I want to lead a normal life hopefully be an inspiration to others and help others overcome their problems.  

I spent some time this evening cooking my favourite dish a Morocan chickpea stew: 

This time I added some peppers, I usually use loads of mushrooms but peppers were on offer for £1 in asda. originally recipe is here. 

Well I am back at work tomorrow, at least it will keep me distracted. Hoping I sleep okay tonight. 

anyone else make meals to freeze? favourite thing to cook? do you find rest days difficult? 

Stress and a fruity day

Good day everyone, I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. I have not been updating much recently as I have been really stressed out. The whole uni situation is still nowhere near sorted and I  am meant to start in less than a month. I am waiting from a decision from occupational health and then I will be taking matters further if it is bad news. I have spoken to many different people about it, even human rights. I don't want to go into too much detail as it would take forever, but as soon as I hear back from them I will let you know. But man I feel awful, and am determined to fight to the end and I will get to university this year. I would understand it more if my GP didn't declare that I fit enough to commence the course, but hey I just have to be patient.

On to other news. Last night was fancy dress for work!!!-I love dressing up hehe, and I was able to fight through those body image issues and wear a short skirt and even roll my shirt up to reveal shudder!! some stomach. Ya know I haven't been able to do that for a long time and it felt okay. 

I still struggle with body image and my thighs, but I think I am never going to see myself and the ed always distorts things. 


I really enjoyed work last night, even got given a free drink. I took home a toffee apple cider

I plan to share it with a friend who wanted to try it. I had it on my birthday, its really sweet and tastes just like toffee apple! is like a desert in a drink:p


I am really loving a few things at the moment:

1. Exercise- I have been doing a mixture of running and cycling. I went on a 5k run this morning and was really impressed that it was under 25 minutes! I actually didn't believe it thought I had the wrong distance or something so when I was on my bike with my other GPS it was the same distance I ran for 2.5k and then came back lol. So it must have been accurate. I know its not overly impressive compared to other runners but I haven't been running long Also my cycling has been improving, my average speeds were usually around 15mph they are now in the 16-17 mph range. I am defiantly noticing the difference in my power from being at a higher weight and eating properly. The one thing that is getting me through this difficult time is keeping up my exercise levels. It spurs me on to get better at it, and make sure I eat well lots to keep up with it, and I it makes me feel so happy too. 

       2.  Cooking- Been cooking lots this week. Made a butternut squash thai curry this evening, and made a paella and another risotto too.

Butternut squash curry with quinoa

3. Working-Its a really good distraction for me and I enjoy being around other people and I am hoping to feel more confident around others. 

Today has been a fruit day where I have eaten a whole honey dew melon, an apple, some watermelon, and another fruit salad consisting of my favourite fruit mango and pineapple. This was much needed after my 40k cycle ride

Fruit salad with greek yogurt and a dollop of almond butter. 

Anyway sorry for the lengthy post, I have just entered celery and cupcakes giveaway I hope I win hehe. Love Rice milk

Question:

How do you deal with stressful situation? Favourite fruit? 

Your more than a number

So tomorrow I will be venturing to Bournemouth again to meet with two of my college teachers where I will undoubtedly be bombarded with questions relating to my illness and how I will manage the course! I am just hoping it goes okay.

 I saw my GP this morning and she has given me a letter to take to the university with a report. She said she didn't want to mention my BMI as it is irrelevant, at the end of the day its just a number. It made me happy that I have a GP who understands that it is not just about the weight, the weight loss is just a side effect of the illness. She see's no reason as to why I shouldn't not do the course and thinks that I am more than ready to study at university level. I just have to convince the others.

The fact that my GP mentioned that she didn't want to talk about my BMI but more about how I am managing, how my mental health is made me think... We are all more than a number, who cares what you weigh, what numbers you eat. At the end of the day no-one else really knows but you. So if your struggling with thoughts over numbers, whether that be clothes sizes, or calories just try and relax a little. Their is more to life than reaching a certain goal. Those who have suffered with an eating disorder know that no number ever made you happy, and I am beginning  to realise it. 

I really need to learn a lesson and not eat like a whole packet of prunes and all bran in the evening! I majorly ate way to much of those little things and my stomach is causing me havoc. Trying not to dwell on it too much, I am just have issues with over eating in the evening. I may need to get some more regular meal plans as perhaps I am not eating enough during the day 

Anyway, yesterday I had a meal at work and for a chain pub they do a pretty healthy salmon salad. Which they describe as a superfood salad. It contains Salmon, Butternut squash, spinach, edamame soya beans, broccoli, fine green beans, pomegranate seed and red chard with Balsamic Vinaigrette.

At my wetherspoons it costs £7 well only £3.50 for me and you get a really good piece of salmon. 

My work meals have recently consisted of sandwiches: my latest addiction being goats cheese and fig relish which is an organic relish and is so nice but was pricey at £5 for a jar. I am getting a bit bored of sandwiches so going to get some salad stuff to take in with me next week, but sandwiches are quick and easy. My other favourite filling has been almond or cashew butter, sometimes I put jam in it. 

For lunch today I had a stir fry, used blue dragons sweet soy stir fry sauce with garlic and ginger. I like these sauces as they have all natural ingredients and are really nice. I cooked some soba noodles too. If I ever make stir fry at home it is always with noodles their is something nice about noodles that make it so much more exciting than plain rice!!

Sorry this is a rather long post.

Favourite sandwich filling? any ideas for different lunches to take?  

I made a mistake

Hope everyone has had a nice weekend I have worked through most of mine, but did go the gym this evening which was good. really enjoying running. I am building up slowly as you use lots of different muscles in comparison to cycling so just did 20 minutes on the treadmill.

Well in relation to my title, today at work I made a bobo:( I didn't realise I had done it until one of the team leaders (trainee manager) asked to have a word with me, and I had taken an old £20 note, and even when she was askng me which one was the new one I didn't know:( I felt so stupid, and it was made worse by her mentioning this in front of other colleagues and her practically shouting at me saying that I had lost the company £20. I very nearly cried, in fact afterwards had to struggle to hold the tears back. I have never been shown how to check whether the £20 note is valid or not their is some screen underneath and it was difficult to not let all my negative thinking enter my mind " failure", "screwup" "pathetic" and then my ed was telling me that the only thing I was good at was losing weight.

But I have managed to not give in to all my automatic thoughts but is so so hard, and guess that people do make mistakes. I know I have made many in the past. I am working again tomorrow, hopefully I will have a better shift. Sometimes living this life is so difficult where I am having to deal with things I haven't had to deal with and I am ashamed to say that I don't feel 25 I still feel like a nieve 18-19 year old which was the age I got really ill from anorexia i have heard that you stay your age that you got ill from :(

Anyway enough ramblings, this evening I had a portion of the lemony lentil dahl that I cooked, I had it with the other half of the microwavable rice:

My food pictures are awful. I really need to invest in a different camera or something. Or add more colour I guess dahl isn't really a bright colour!

Lemony lentil dahl- serves 4-6

1 tbsp oil
1 onion
salt and freshly ground pepper
2 crushed garlic cloves
5cm piece of ginger
spices-I used garam masala, tumeric, and curry powder ( I never measure my spices just sprinkle and taste!)
300g red lentils
grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
carrots and swede chopped
900ml hot vegetable stock

Directions

1. heat the oil in the pan and add the onion, a pinch of salt and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic, ginger, and spices.
2. stir in the lentils, chopped veg, and lemon zest pour over the stock and simmer for about 20 minutes until the lentils are cooked. 
3. Season well with salt and pepper and add more spices if needed;), the add the lemon juice. Serve with rice, naan, or whatever!

Well lets hope tomorrow is a good day. I am working till 3pm then seeing a friend which I am really looking forward too!!

perfect for breakfasts on the go!

Well First I want to blog about a little gift I treated myself too, which is perfect for when I have breakfast on the go at work, or after the gym, and before uni. I got it from Wilkinsons as it was cheaper than amazon, but here it is on amazon to get a better idea of what its like breakfast on the go pot! I of course had to get it in pink!

I knew the morning would be a rush so put some museli with some weetabix crunchy bran in the bottom and some natural yogurt on the top. After going to the gym I mixed it all togeather and alas a breakfast on the go!

It even has a handy little spoon hidden beneath, and it fitted very easily an 1/2 cup portion of cereal. I see it as an investment, instead of getting breakfast out I can now have it on the go. 

So my gym session this am was an x-biking class. It was a different instructor and really noticed the difference she played different music did actually prefer her music but preferred the style of the other instructor. 

Rest of the day was spent sorting house some housing stuff from my old place and just chilling out. Read a few blogs, planned some meals for over the weekend as am busy working. I was going to experiment a bit but was feeling lazy so instead opted for some roasted butternut squash with a load of cumin, with some fish marinated in tamarind paste, and this rice:

Know its a bit lazy, but hey were all entitled to cheat at times right?!

Whats your favourite quick dinner to make? any plans for the weekend? 

Occupational health and time of the month

This post may be a bit long winded as I have a lot to gabble about;)

Firstly yesterday was a tad stressful-I had occupational health to visit for my course that is to start in September. I am hopefully going to train to be an occupational therapist a career that I feel passionate can make a real difference to people's lives. Having activities in my life has helped me so much with my condition, and I really feel  that I have a lot to offer people in helping them in their recovery; be that a mental, physical, social, or any difficulty... anyway.

(yes cocktail drinking is an activity!)


I had to see someone at Bournemouth hospital which is a 3 hr car journey, I have been worried about it for months because of my past and current history battling anorexia and depression. Although I am well on my way to recovery and have come on a long way I still need some support and am not 100% recovered. I do hope that one day I can say that I am:) I was told my many it was a formality for them to make sure they have support in place for me. But when I was told that I need to get my GP and CPN to provide further details especially as I mentioned I have been in supported housing for nearly 2 years. I broke down I couldn't control the tears, I want to go to uni so badly I am more than ready from it. I am well aware that the course is stressful but over the past two years I have had more than my far share of stress..

 with my Mum nearly dying from her 3 rd overdose, a close friend dying, my sister taking an overdose. AND... I have had no more admissions, my weight hasn't dropped low. I have been able to get things back on track. 

I do have the support of my GP and CPN and they just have to provide details of my current illness, any events, what support I have been getting, and if my weight has been stable over the past two years. She was also concerned that I hadn't done any work for about 5 years, its a good job I do have a job now. However on a plus she did email the university to ask if they can reserve a place in halls for me. I am trying not to think the worst that I won't be allowed to start, I feel more than ready to go to university.

In other news ( women's stuff mentioned)


A few weeks ago I mentioned about trying out the contraceptive pill. I visited my GP and she prescribed it to me as I have a lot of concerns about my bone health (have osteoporosis) and about one day being able to have kids. So she suggested I go on one. I was feeling quite sick from taking it and If I was gaining weight I wanted to get my periods back naturally as that would mean my body would be healthy:) so I stopped taking it I took it for maybe two weeks. Anyway this morning I had a bleed. How I felt...shocked, scared, relieved, pleased It means that hopefully my bones are not degrading as we speak and that I am able to have kids.

 I didn't expect it tbh as I only took the pill for two weeks.  However I know its not getting my period back naturally. I am going to speak to my GP next week and ask her advice on whether I should continue taking it or not. Today did feel a bit surreal I haven't had my period for about 5 years and obviously had no stuff, so had to get the bus in to town, get some pads and tampons. I remember I did use to wear tampons but really wouldn't have a clue how they urm work so I have used pads today. Oh my I am sorry if this is tmi but I need somewhere to talk about it. I felt like a 15 year old girl again. 

Which finally brings me today, where I saw my CPN which helped eased my mind about occupational health. Then went to the gym. Managing to run again on the treadmill, going to start off slowly this time Then I met a friend for a drink. We met at an EDA support group, she was ill for about 4 years then she just decided that she didn't want to be this way anymore and started to eat again. She is now fully recovered and takes part in triathlons. We both talked about how exercise has been beneficial in eating disorder recovery, yes I would exercise when I deep in anorexia but that was just walking miles and miles.

 But you can't run or cycle on no food. I want to get stronger at cycling and running and know you can't do that when your underweight and not eating enough. Exercise makes me feel so damn good I love feeling myself get faster and improving. She inspired me to look in to doing triathletes. I mean I cycle, I can run, and swim and maybe it will be a good laugh. She says the ones she does are more warm ups for the serious atheletes who do iron mans. We talked about how great life is no longer being controlled by an eating disorder. However I did feel a bit idk shocked that she just could snap out of it just like that I sometimes wish that would have been the case for me. But I guess recovery is a journey?

Tonight I cooked a lemony lentil dahl:

I then decided it looked quite lonely in the bowl so roasted some butternut squash and more mushrooms

Will upload the recipe tomorrow. Got some portions to freeze too.

How has exercise helped you? Doesn't have to be ed related 
Any experiences of university? 

I need a bigger bowl

Thankyou to my replies to my previous post, I am sorry that people struggle with self esteem too. I guess like everything its a work in progress.

I think the time has come to invest in a bigger bowl. 

I had my first all day shift at work today! 8 and a half hours which went surprisingly quickly. I even got trained to work on the floor delivering meals and clearing tables.

Anyway after work I went to an X-biking class which is fairly similar to spinning and my god was it tough! Would really recommend it if your after an high intensity workout with lots of intervals in. Well when I came back from  the class which was about 8.30pm I didn't feel up to cooking so really fancied something easy and simple. So I had a huge pot of greek yogurt, an apple, necterine, and a few green plums with a generous serving of cereal and my bowl was a little on the small side so I had to eat it in stages. I thought it was a fairly big bowl:

It is certainly deep, but my cereal mess was overflowing. 

So I need to invest somehow in a bigger bowl! if anyone has any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Lunch was a chicken salad with some brown rice, but it wasn't that nice. I didn't add enough dressing to the salad and it was pretty dry not good. 

Tomorrow I have another filled day, gym in the morning then will treat myself to breakfast at costa I love their multigrain toast they do and love it that they now do sugar free syrups! They used to do porridge made with proper oats but it was only a trial which was a shame, then in the evening I will be going to a thai place with a friend and having a few cocktails!!!

Do you ever have breakfast out? Whats your favourite place? or do you take something with you to eat? 

low self esteem

I want to blog about low self esteem. It is something that I haven't talked about before. But it something that I have to battle with everyday of my life. 

 I am not sure how it started, but I know from a young age I also had a low opinion of myself and felt that I wasn't liked that somehow I was in adequate. I think a lot of it stems from being bullied at school. Being picked on, I got called ugly as a child, my hair was frizzy, I was never allowed to wear what was in fashion I wasn't clever or talented at everything. In later years I got called "fat" and "thunder thighs". Yep and you can see why I developed an eating disorder. I could also never say what I wanted for fear of upsetting people and has led me in some tricky situations where I was taken advantage of:(


From my knowledge of low self esteem. You have a certain base line that you view yourself from. for instance  my baseline is " I am not worthy" and that "people dislike me". But you see this is not true people do like me, I am worthy of many things. I have to continuously each day challenge these thoughts use CBT that I have learnt from therapy. I sometimes have to ask recognition from people that they do like me, which I hate doing BUT sometimes can't help myself. It's not for attention its just that the low opinion I have of myself doesn't change overnight. It has taken me a long while to just be able to challenge the thoughts. It happened to me whilst I was away and I am still struggling with my thoughts at the moment but I know their not true and that I have done anything wrong. I just hope one day I will have high self esteem

My advice to anyone who struggles with self esteem is to challenge the negative thinking pattern because the more you do the easier it gets and it is just that negative. So when you get a niggling thought enter your head that you've done something wrong, you don't believe in yourself, or just feeling wobbly over things.

Argue with that little niggling voice and stand up to it! Think of all the people who have in your life you love you for all they are, the people who reply to your blog, your friends, your family, your pets. 

on to other things...

Long bike ride this morning, did 40 miles an average speed of 15.4mph which I think is better than my last ride. think taking a few days of helped. I had a different breakfast of baked beans on toast, I was wanting variety and the change was good. When I came back I had a wholewheat wrap with some bean chilli that I made a while ago and yes I had to google how to fold a wrap:p I even watched a youtube video

I haven't had wraps in ages and made a nice change. 

This evening I will be working on the busiest evening of the week! a saturday night from 7-12. At least it goes fast, just hope their isn't too many drunk people to deal with. 

Do you struggle with low self esteem? What has helped you? 

Wraps yay or nay?

london trip!

So, I have been away for a few days to the wonderful city of LONDON, it was a fab trip away and so what I needed for my birthday. Their was lots of eating, we got to try many different places,a nd also saw Legally blonde, which was ace so so good. Visited camden. anyway here is a quick run down:


Monday-got the train up. dropped cases of at the travel lodge that we stayed in, and grabbed some lunch at itsu which offers healthy food on the go, and was pleasantly surpised to see they had tofu on the menu so chose their super healthy veggie rice bowl with tofu which had brown rice and loads of vegetables in it. After a late lunch we went to covent garden, had a nice browse around the shops where I found this cute cupcake shop where they happened to do mini cupcakes!! which I treated myself too

we also visited m and m world apparently the biggest one in europe! I also had some frozen yogurt!!

The evening was spent drinking cocktails at a place in camden that happened to offer 241 cocktails on their mojitios I of course got very drunk but was a fab night! and even had the bar man ask for me to come back and where I lived lol. 

Tuesday- had brekkie in covent garden and I had greek yogurt with granola and honey. it was really really nice and made me think that I may try and vary my breakfasts up as the greek yogurt was so good. We then spent most of the pre morning wondering around camden market where I bought 3 dresses which when I tried them on at home realised how short they were! oops I will still wear them with leggins, but I do feel self conscious in wearing short things because of my screwed up body image:( lunch was spent at a place called dim sum resturant, where I tried some dim sum's and had a tofu stir fry with some buckwheat noodles. The evening was at legally blonde!

wednesday- This was a shopping day, which also happened to be the most hot day, it was boiling hot apparently hotter than india! I did buy a pair of shorts but I am not a major clothes shop person. tbh I do find it quite difficult eating disorder wise and by this day my body image was starting to get difficult found myself comparing myself to lots of people which wasn't good:( however this was my favourite day food wise and we went to yo sushi an also had the best ever cocktails! ate so much sushi but hey it was good and we don't get to visit their every day. However in the evening we weren't very lucky with finding a 241 cocktail bar its far too expensive to buy them full price like £8 for one drink!!! 

oh we did go to a place called the ice bar london which is a bar made completely of ice!! the only one in london. I am not going to lie it was very COLD but also a fab place to go and experience. 

Thursday- Harrods!! of course no visit to london is complete without a visit to the biggest department store ever. Where I had ice cream yes icecream:) I had a caramel one but I was super jealous of my friends sundae but I did nick her brownies as she didn't like the nuts in them!!

Well I am now home had work today, which was okay. I did have a lovely time away with my best friend, but is also nice to be back and sleep in my own bed and have access to all my home comforts. I was also seriously lacking in the fruit department and my skin looks awful think from the pollution too. So going to stock up on some fruit in asda tomorrow. I did have a graze box to await me too which was nice! started getting them again.

 I have managed to put some weight on when I was in London it what was I wanted to do but am now struggling with my body image I am at the highest weight I have been at for a very long while and I guess its taking me getting used too. I am keeping my goals of uni and getting my body healthy to keep me going.