A reality check

Yesterday was I feel a milestone in my recovery. I had an appointment firstly with an assessment to have some therapy with someone from EDA, these are a charity that offer support and advice to those suffering with any eating disorder. It went okay, and I am on the waiting list to see someone to look specifically at the reasons behind my anorexia, which is something  I have never really touched upon and now I feel in the right space to be able to do it. Afterwards was my appointment with my dietician...

She asked me how I was, said I was okay. Weight had gone up, I firstly went in with the intention of doing a plan to maintain for a few weeks as had recently been finding the weight gain side of things quite difficult.

However when I told her about my stress fracture, she was very brutally honest with me and said that this was a sign that my body is not liking where it is right now, and reminded me the shocking truth about what osteoporosis can do to you in the future:

The thing is I know this, I know the dangers, I know from all the literature I have read on stress fractures, not getting periods, being under weight, all the damage it does to your body but the anorexia can almost convince you that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU, well my folks it has and it will do. Having the bones of a 70 year old at  25 years of age is a scary reality. 

We worked out my BMR, and what calories I need to maintain on, and also the scary part what I need to gain weight on. I only actually managed to gain weight when I went away to Bath as wasn't exercising. But exercise is an important part of my life and my recovery. So I am going to try and build up to this amount that I need to gain on.I am not going to lie I am scared by this process. 

Something also quite scary happened when I left the train station, almost like someone up their has been watching over me.... I saw this old women cycling but she was completely hunched over her back was so bent and I thought crap I don't want this, I need to recover, I need to gain weight. The one thing that helps osteoporosis is being at a healthy weight, somewhere I haven't been for nearly ten years. But its not just about helping osteoporosis, my concentration, having energy to see me through the day, one day I want to have children and the more I don't have my period for the less chance I have of this happening. 

Its no wonder I had a stress fracture!

After my appointment I went to the supermarket to pick up something for my shift at work, getting some of the foods my dietician had suggested which was more protein and calcium. But me and supermarkets never really tend to mix, I go in and get so overwhelmed with everything in their and end up coming out with nothing.  I was really very annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry. So mad and how much I want this but when it comes to a simply thing of shopping I kind of get a bit stuck. I was also working so not really having much chance to sit down and eat a proper meal as my work are idiots and won't give me a break even though I worked from 5-11pm, so this meant taking lots of nakd bars to see me through my shift, and a big bag of dried fruit. 

However, despite the confusion going in my brain, and how sometimes the eating disorder overides my normal thought process.  I have one thing on my side determination, I am determined to fight this illness. It has stolen so much of my life and I refuse to not let it steal anymore. I have supportive friends, family, and an amazing boyfriend whom I never thought I would meet someone like him. I also have the running, cycling, to spur me on, and that I want to be a successful occupational therapist to help others recover from any illness. 

Best Recovery meal ever!!!

For those in the UK today, its pancakes day!!! I am going to a pancake place this evening with my best friend, can't wait its been too long. Think I will go for a savoury one, maybe goats cheese and sundried tomatoes. 

What is your favourite topping? 

Do you ever get overwhelmed in the supermarket? 

Occupational health and time of the month

This post may be a bit long winded as I have a lot to gabble about;)

Firstly yesterday was a tad stressful-I had occupational health to visit for my course that is to start in September. I am hopefully going to train to be an occupational therapist a career that I feel passionate can make a real difference to people's lives. Having activities in my life has helped me so much with my condition, and I really feel  that I have a lot to offer people in helping them in their recovery; be that a mental, physical, social, or any difficulty... anyway.

(yes cocktail drinking is an activity!)


I had to see someone at Bournemouth hospital which is a 3 hr car journey, I have been worried about it for months because of my past and current history battling anorexia and depression. Although I am well on my way to recovery and have come on a long way I still need some support and am not 100% recovered. I do hope that one day I can say that I am:) I was told my many it was a formality for them to make sure they have support in place for me. But when I was told that I need to get my GP and CPN to provide further details especially as I mentioned I have been in supported housing for nearly 2 years. I broke down I couldn't control the tears, I want to go to uni so badly I am more than ready from it. I am well aware that the course is stressful but over the past two years I have had more than my far share of stress..

 with my Mum nearly dying from her 3 rd overdose, a close friend dying, my sister taking an overdose. AND... I have had no more admissions, my weight hasn't dropped low. I have been able to get things back on track. 

I do have the support of my GP and CPN and they just have to provide details of my current illness, any events, what support I have been getting, and if my weight has been stable over the past two years. She was also concerned that I hadn't done any work for about 5 years, its a good job I do have a job now. However on a plus she did email the university to ask if they can reserve a place in halls for me. I am trying not to think the worst that I won't be allowed to start, I feel more than ready to go to university.

In other news ( women's stuff mentioned)


A few weeks ago I mentioned about trying out the contraceptive pill. I visited my GP and she prescribed it to me as I have a lot of concerns about my bone health (have osteoporosis) and about one day being able to have kids. So she suggested I go on one. I was feeling quite sick from taking it and If I was gaining weight I wanted to get my periods back naturally as that would mean my body would be healthy:) so I stopped taking it I took it for maybe two weeks. Anyway this morning I had a bleed. How I felt...shocked, scared, relieved, pleased It means that hopefully my bones are not degrading as we speak and that I am able to have kids.

 I didn't expect it tbh as I only took the pill for two weeks.  However I know its not getting my period back naturally. I am going to speak to my GP next week and ask her advice on whether I should continue taking it or not. Today did feel a bit surreal I haven't had my period for about 5 years and obviously had no stuff, so had to get the bus in to town, get some pads and tampons. I remember I did use to wear tampons but really wouldn't have a clue how they urm work so I have used pads today. Oh my I am sorry if this is tmi but I need somewhere to talk about it. I felt like a 15 year old girl again. 

Which finally brings me today, where I saw my CPN which helped eased my mind about occupational health. Then went to the gym. Managing to run again on the treadmill, going to start off slowly this time Then I met a friend for a drink. We met at an EDA support group, she was ill for about 4 years then she just decided that she didn't want to be this way anymore and started to eat again. She is now fully recovered and takes part in triathlons. We both talked about how exercise has been beneficial in eating disorder recovery, yes I would exercise when I deep in anorexia but that was just walking miles and miles.

 But you can't run or cycle on no food. I want to get stronger at cycling and running and know you can't do that when your underweight and not eating enough. Exercise makes me feel so damn good I love feeling myself get faster and improving. She inspired me to look in to doing triathletes. I mean I cycle, I can run, and swim and maybe it will be a good laugh. She says the ones she does are more warm ups for the serious atheletes who do iron mans. We talked about how great life is no longer being controlled by an eating disorder. However I did feel a bit idk shocked that she just could snap out of it just like that I sometimes wish that would have been the case for me. But I guess recovery is a journey?

Tonight I cooked a lemony lentil dahl:

I then decided it looked quite lonely in the bowl so roasted some butternut squash and more mushrooms

Will upload the recipe tomorrow. Got some portions to freeze too.

How has exercise helped you? Doesn't have to be ed related 
Any experiences of university?