I made a mistake

Hope everyone has had a nice weekend I have worked through most of mine, but did go the gym this evening which was good. really enjoying running. I am building up slowly as you use lots of different muscles in comparison to cycling so just did 20 minutes on the treadmill.

Well in relation to my title, today at work I made a bobo:( I didn't realise I had done it until one of the team leaders (trainee manager) asked to have a word with me, and I had taken an old £20 note, and even when she was askng me which one was the new one I didn't know:( I felt so stupid, and it was made worse by her mentioning this in front of other colleagues and her practically shouting at me saying that I had lost the company £20. I very nearly cried, in fact afterwards had to struggle to hold the tears back. I have never been shown how to check whether the £20 note is valid or not their is some screen underneath and it was difficult to not let all my negative thinking enter my mind " failure", "screwup" "pathetic" and then my ed was telling me that the only thing I was good at was losing weight.

But I have managed to not give in to all my automatic thoughts but is so so hard, and guess that people do make mistakes. I know I have made many in the past. I am working again tomorrow, hopefully I will have a better shift. Sometimes living this life is so difficult where I am having to deal with things I haven't had to deal with and I am ashamed to say that I don't feel 25 I still feel like a nieve 18-19 year old which was the age I got really ill from anorexia i have heard that you stay your age that you got ill from :(

Anyway enough ramblings, this evening I had a portion of the lemony lentil dahl that I cooked, I had it with the other half of the microwavable rice:

My food pictures are awful. I really need to invest in a different camera or something. Or add more colour I guess dahl isn't really a bright colour!

Lemony lentil dahl- serves 4-6

1 tbsp oil
1 onion
salt and freshly ground pepper
2 crushed garlic cloves
5cm piece of ginger
spices-I used garam masala, tumeric, and curry powder ( I never measure my spices just sprinkle and taste!)
300g red lentils
grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
carrots and swede chopped
900ml hot vegetable stock

Directions

1. heat the oil in the pan and add the onion, a pinch of salt and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic, ginger, and spices.
2. stir in the lentils, chopped veg, and lemon zest pour over the stock and simmer for about 20 minutes until the lentils are cooked. 
3. Season well with salt and pepper and add more spices if needed;), the add the lemon juice. Serve with rice, naan, or whatever!

Well lets hope tomorrow is a good day. I am working till 3pm then seeing a friend which I am really looking forward too!!

Occupational health and time of the month

This post may be a bit long winded as I have a lot to gabble about;)

Firstly yesterday was a tad stressful-I had occupational health to visit for my course that is to start in September. I am hopefully going to train to be an occupational therapist a career that I feel passionate can make a real difference to people's lives. Having activities in my life has helped me so much with my condition, and I really feel  that I have a lot to offer people in helping them in their recovery; be that a mental, physical, social, or any difficulty... anyway.

(yes cocktail drinking is an activity!)


I had to see someone at Bournemouth hospital which is a 3 hr car journey, I have been worried about it for months because of my past and current history battling anorexia and depression. Although I am well on my way to recovery and have come on a long way I still need some support and am not 100% recovered. I do hope that one day I can say that I am:) I was told my many it was a formality for them to make sure they have support in place for me. But when I was told that I need to get my GP and CPN to provide further details especially as I mentioned I have been in supported housing for nearly 2 years. I broke down I couldn't control the tears, I want to go to uni so badly I am more than ready from it. I am well aware that the course is stressful but over the past two years I have had more than my far share of stress..

 with my Mum nearly dying from her 3 rd overdose, a close friend dying, my sister taking an overdose. AND... I have had no more admissions, my weight hasn't dropped low. I have been able to get things back on track. 

I do have the support of my GP and CPN and they just have to provide details of my current illness, any events, what support I have been getting, and if my weight has been stable over the past two years. She was also concerned that I hadn't done any work for about 5 years, its a good job I do have a job now. However on a plus she did email the university to ask if they can reserve a place in halls for me. I am trying not to think the worst that I won't be allowed to start, I feel more than ready to go to university.

In other news ( women's stuff mentioned)


A few weeks ago I mentioned about trying out the contraceptive pill. I visited my GP and she prescribed it to me as I have a lot of concerns about my bone health (have osteoporosis) and about one day being able to have kids. So she suggested I go on one. I was feeling quite sick from taking it and If I was gaining weight I wanted to get my periods back naturally as that would mean my body would be healthy:) so I stopped taking it I took it for maybe two weeks. Anyway this morning I had a bleed. How I felt...shocked, scared, relieved, pleased It means that hopefully my bones are not degrading as we speak and that I am able to have kids.

 I didn't expect it tbh as I only took the pill for two weeks.  However I know its not getting my period back naturally. I am going to speak to my GP next week and ask her advice on whether I should continue taking it or not. Today did feel a bit surreal I haven't had my period for about 5 years and obviously had no stuff, so had to get the bus in to town, get some pads and tampons. I remember I did use to wear tampons but really wouldn't have a clue how they urm work so I have used pads today. Oh my I am sorry if this is tmi but I need somewhere to talk about it. I felt like a 15 year old girl again. 

Which finally brings me today, where I saw my CPN which helped eased my mind about occupational health. Then went to the gym. Managing to run again on the treadmill, going to start off slowly this time Then I met a friend for a drink. We met at an EDA support group, she was ill for about 4 years then she just decided that she didn't want to be this way anymore and started to eat again. She is now fully recovered and takes part in triathlons. We both talked about how exercise has been beneficial in eating disorder recovery, yes I would exercise when I deep in anorexia but that was just walking miles and miles.

 But you can't run or cycle on no food. I want to get stronger at cycling and running and know you can't do that when your underweight and not eating enough. Exercise makes me feel so damn good I love feeling myself get faster and improving. She inspired me to look in to doing triathletes. I mean I cycle, I can run, and swim and maybe it will be a good laugh. She says the ones she does are more warm ups for the serious atheletes who do iron mans. We talked about how great life is no longer being controlled by an eating disorder. However I did feel a bit idk shocked that she just could snap out of it just like that I sometimes wish that would have been the case for me. But I guess recovery is a journey?

Tonight I cooked a lemony lentil dahl:

I then decided it looked quite lonely in the bowl so roasted some butternut squash and more mushrooms

Will upload the recipe tomorrow. Got some portions to freeze too.

How has exercise helped you? Doesn't have to be ed related 
Any experiences of university? 

productive day!

well today has been fairly productive. I went to my Mum's and saw my dad and cooked us some poached eggs on toast and then made a meal for my mum to freeze portions of a chilli with some minced beef and kidneys beans and spices etc. She has been eating loads of ready meals and they are really not good for her and it only took like 10 minutes to make as I bought ready chopped onion lol. I hate chopping onion it always really effects me and eyes get so stingy and sore.

After that I came back and cleaned the kitchen, and made something for myself. I haven't cooked for a long time I used to do loads of cooking. But just hadn't had the time with college etc and now my course is coming to an end I have had a lot more spare time and I do enjoy it and is a good way to save money since I am a student:p so here is what I cooked. I adapted it from anita beans "sports nutrition for women" A really great book with loads of helpful advice for those that exercise on what to eat before and after etc.

Lentil and Chickpea Stew:

Okay so its not the most appetsising picture lol uploaded from my blackberry BUT it did taste nice:) and so easy to cook. first of cooked some mushrooms, peppers, courgette, and garlic, then added some veg stock, 100g lentils, 1 can of chickpeas, and some carrots. spices I added were curry powder, tumeric, and garam masala. then just leave to simmer for 20 minutes. Easy:) I am going to take it to college with me next week. hoping it will be okay cold. Is a really cheap meal too. Think I will be cooking more as did quite enjoy it.