Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train?