Thursday, 27 October 2011

long time no see!!!

Well it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, and I dont think I will be updating it more regulary until I am in a better frame of mind as I wanted it to be positive, and more recovery focused on living a life free from anorexia and not engaging with the illness and feeling like I want to die all the time. 

An update to be brief and I guess matter of fact, the funeral was two weeks ago, I thought I could cope with it but clearly I couldn't. Their was a get together at the pub where haven't not eaten all day I drank 3 glasses of wine and then went on  a self destructive route where I couldn't stop myself banging my head on a car window had to be restrained by a member of staff, I went up with the people from whom I was in supported housing with. I came back home well got dropped off. Took an overdose, came out the next day, the day after that took another overdose, it was partly planned had written goodbye letters to everyone. Got saw by the psych, seen by the crisis team. The following day let out, then the day after decided again I can't cope so went to totnes with the intention of not eating and drinking and just dying in a nice b and b. eventually saw matt a support worker whom I am very close too and someone from the crisis team. They suggested hospital nooo I can't go not today, I am fine I won't do it again I just want to be left alone. no such luck ended up agreeing to go. 

Depression and anorexia is the worst it has ever been, I tried to escape again on monday after some more bad news that I won't go into. Ran away to newton abbot, completely out of mind didn't know what I was doing, and here I am still in the psych ward under section 2. Appealing against it though.

Where am I now???

I am fighting for survival, I have so much support from close friends and family. The psych is amazing, as are most of the staff. Although they don't fully understand anorexia, they do want to help. I realise that this is a big set back, but when has life ever been plain sailing when has their ever been one easy road to fall down too. I have't given up hope that I can be well again. I have done it once before, I am slowly starting to eat again and utilise the support that I have. I know myself incredibly well and know what works for me.