Saturday, 3 September 2011


PRE-WARNING: This is going to be a fairly long post, so if you read all this I am very impressed

Determination- I have always been extremely determined and in the past this has been somewhat negative where I have been determined to see a number go down on the scale where I have done absolutely  anything to lose weight. Where this determination has made me sick, made me enter hospital on a number of occasions, made me lose friendships, try to take my own life and just damn right miserable. 

I have also been determined to fight for support and help, I had to wait an extremely long time before I could go into hospital on my last admissions and I was extremely sick where I was in and out of general wards alot, but I never gave up I continued to keep myself well so I could live. This may sound dramatic from people who don't know me at the time but it was so scary how long I had to wait at the state I was in. 

However now I like to use my determination in a positive light. I had to fight to receive therapy on the NHS which believe me was a difficult task but I am glad I did as I am now able to overcome many of the issues I had with relations to males, the flashbacks that haunted me day and night and what triggered of my eating disorder. 

I am now determined to improve my running:

Run today-5 miles-pace-8.06-40.09 minutes

Get my body healthy

To get myself to college where I achieved 28 distinctions, make friends, do things that the eating disorder has stopped me doing for so many years. 

Well this now brings me to the uni situation.On Wednesday when I had received an email from the University that said that I wasn't able to start this year and have to defer to next year because in their words: it is the decision of the academic team that because you are in receipt of ongoing and substantial input from mental health services and because of the recency of your symptoms related to your condition we will not be able to make the neccesary adjustments. 

In my opinion this is completely wrong, my condition has improved, I had a referal back in March to  a dietician as had a minor blip due to a close friend dying. I am going to be hopefully discharged from services once I have settled in and I haven't even asked for any adjustments. 

This is only the start of the pa-larva. I called up occupational health the next day as I was meant to see them this Monday and they haven't heard anything about me not starting this year!! as far as they were concerned I was going to have my health clearance on Monday as they required some additional information from my GP of my future prognosis and suitability to the course. The women I spoke to was really nice and even she agreed with me when I said it feels like discrimination as their are plenty of people with health conditions that are on courses and if someone with a medical problem was wanting to start they would have no issue with them seeing a nurse for appointments.  

So finally me being as determined as I am rang up Human rights I had a reference number as I contacted them before when I went and saw the University a few weeks back. They said to me it is direct discrimination as even if I did make some requests like time out for appointments they have to show that they have made reasonable adjustments and are not allowed to disallow me on the course when I have health clearance from my Doctor. 

Occupational health still want to see me on Monday, and it really is so frustrating and depressing not knowing whether I can go to university or not. My work think I am going on the 17th September I haven't been able to tell them the situation. I have spent my whole summer excited about University even bought some books. It has been difficult to carry on with life, eating, socialising. But I am determined

 Banana and maple cookies
 Baked squash with feta
 Sausage and butterbean bake with roasted butternut squash
Mammoth bowl of cereal with greek yogurt and chopped apple

All through life we face challenges and in the past I have dealt with these in a negative light. But not any longer, I am now turning my determination in a positive light One of the reasons I am most upset about university is i feel really old. Battling an eating disorder has meant I have missed out on so much life and I try to not dwell on it but at times it is hard but it makes me all the more reason to fight, and continue as I know that going back is not an option. I want a life and will do whatever it takes to grasp it, and if that means I have to wait a year longer for Uni then so be it. I mean I don't even look 18 not alone 25! Also mentally I do feel about 19 like I am just starting my life, as I feel the eating disorder has somewhat stalled me growing up So my plan if I don't get to university this year is:

  • Join a running club and enter some races
  • improve on my cycling
  • save as much money as I can
  • Continue to see my friends and socilaise a lot and of course have a few drinkies:p
  • Join lol
  • get some healthcare related experience their is some jobs on the nhs website which I think I will apply for. 
  • Get good at baking and cooking!! although I can cook, their are so many recipes I want to try and practise makes perfect. 
  • Treat myself out to a cake or sweet treat in a cafe. I don't think I have ever done this and their is this nice little veggie/vegan cafe where I live that makes the most amazing cakes and I am yet to have one.
  • Raise some money for a dementia charity
Well that's all folks, yep I told you it was long. I have also shared some personal information which I am not sure how I feel about but I am in a place where I want to be able to help others and I am hoping that others reading this can seek support and feel that they are not alone. 

 I will have more information on Monday when I again have to go down to Bournemouth to see the occupational health nurse and I am still non the wiser sure on whether I can go this year or not. 

Anyone took a year out before university? what did you do? Do you have determination? Favourite comfort food?