Tuesday, 7 June 2011

sister and college


I kind of abandoned my blog for a while. I was reading and posting in others but just didn't have the time to update mine. A fair few things has happened. mainly with life and my sister who always seems to effect my mental health. Its a bit of a long story but anyway. About 2 years ago she lived at home with my mum and had a cat a pedigree one called elle and when she left home about a year ago maybe less. she didnt pay anything towards the cat, and my mum has been looking after the cat. so now she is somewhere different she decides that she wants the cat back. Which I don't feel is fair on the cat, the other cats who she gets on really well with, or my Mum who has become close to the cat. for one thing my sister works shift patterns, the cat needs to have people around its a cat house and doesnt go out and goodness knows what the people are like where she lives. so she wanted my support on the matter ie for me to tell mum that she should give the cat back so for the first time in my life I have my own opinion on the matter. I find it difficult to express myself say what I want, be assertive. So i thought no i am going to say to her that she shouldn't have the cat back.

THEN I get this backlash from my sister who says she has always suported me came to one of my uni interviews and basically tried to blackmail me. now she has deleted me from facebook and no longer wants to see me again all because i wouldn't support her:(

so now i feel pretty shitty. I always feel the need to please people and feel very upset and hurt that she no longer wants anything to do with me. She does have mental health problems and has disappeared from my life before.

other news I am back at college and have found it really difficult. I feel like a few of the girls have started to talk about me, a few of them can be extremely bitchy, I am very clued on to my surroundings and know when people are having issues with things I don't know maybe i am paranoid. but I just find it hard to have conversations with them because I am fairly shy and I find it hard to relate to their conversations as a lot of them are around men, relationships etc and I haven't really had any normal teenage years. whenever we walk to college and to classess I am always the one behind trying to fit in. maybe i just don't fit in to society. I was always bullied at school. I really thought I would have found it eaiser than I have done to make friends. maybe it will be easier at uni when people tend to go away from their homes. I mean I have made some friends and most of the people are nice I guess it has a lot to do with my self esteem.

In some good news, I have been getting on better with my mum and seeing friends for the occasional drink and someone new has moved in who i get on really well with. My course is also coming to an end not sure how I feel about that. bit of mixed emotions. happy, relief, sad, i don't know really will be nice to have more free time.

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