So after my ever so slightly depressing post and do feel a lot more happier:) I spoke to some close friends about the situations and that has helped challenge my thoughts about myself and be able to rationalise it in my head and tbh I am very close to finishing so I won't have to see the girls again. A lot of it has to do with the confidence that I have about myself and how I feel about myself which I guess is a slow process.
I had a really great night on Thursday although I drank far too much oh well. I am making up for all the lost years hehe wonder how much longer I can keep saying that will be my excuse in many years to come;) I ended up going to a bar and dancing the night away. I actually felt like I did when I was 19 enjoing my life, yes I was still struggling with an ed but I was actually living my life. The end of the night however wasa bit strange. Ben a guy I went to school with who I haven't seen for ages he is also friends with Glenn. anyway he has a habit of not being able to control hsi drink has got banned from practically all the bars in Newton lol anyway me and my friend had to see him into a taxi and when I was telling him to behave he said to me:
"shut up anorexic" and I was actually pretty hurt by it and a bit upset because well it just made me firstly a bit shocked as I struggle to see myself as under weight but also like I don't wnat anymore people to think of me that way or see it as an offensive term. earlier in the night I was actually looking at myself in the mirror and starting to see my body as differently like I could see how stick like my legs were and how my top half is still fairly emaciated I am at a BMI of 15-15.5 and I am starting to think about maybe trying to gain a bit. the reasons why I got ill was a lot to do with not wanting to look like a women and not be seen as attractive and a way to control my body and everything else around me but now I want to look attractive, I want to not have sticking out shoulder blades, a bony chest. maybe I really am starting to get well. I can see a life out their I know I will never go back to how things are, I want my period back, I want to regain some bone mass back I don't want to be 50 and have a bent over back I know I can't take back osteoperosis but I can try all I can to keep my body safe and well. well it has given me food for thought excuse the pun.
anyway I am just getting ready for a night out with my best mate were going to a beer festival and I plan on sampling lots of sugary ciders and wines I'm not a beer drinker lol.