Tuesday, 21 February 2012

A reality check

Yesterday was I feel a milestone in my recovery. I had an appointment firstly with an assessment to have some therapy with someone from EDA, these are a charity that offer support and advice to those suffering with any eating disorder. It went okay, and I am on the waiting list to see someone to look specifically at the reasons behind my anorexia, which is something  I have never really touched upon and now I feel in the right space to be able to do it. Afterwards was my appointment with my dietician...

She asked me how I was, said I was okay. Weight had gone up, I firstly went in with the intention of doing a plan to maintain for a few weeks as had recently been finding the weight gain side of things quite difficult.

However when I told her about my stress fracture, she was very brutally honest with me and said that this was a sign that my body is not liking where it is right now, and reminded me the shocking truth about what osteoporosis can do to you in the future:

The thing is I know this, I know the dangers, I know from all the literature I have read on stress fractures, not getting periods, being under weight, all the damage it does to your body but the anorexia can almost convince you that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU, well my folks it has and it will do. Having the bones of a 70 year old at  25 years of age is a scary reality. 

We worked out my BMR, and what calories I need to maintain on, and also the scary part what I need to gain weight on. I only actually managed to gain weight when I went away to Bath as wasn't exercising. But exercise is an important part of my life and my recovery. So I am going to try and build up to this amount that I need to gain on.I am not going to lie I am scared by this process. 

Something also quite scary happened when I left the train station, almost like someone up their has been watching over me.... I saw this old women cycling but she was completely hunched over her back was so bent and I thought crap I don't want this, I need to recover, I need to gain weight. The one thing that helps osteoporosis is being at a healthy weight, somewhere I haven't been for nearly ten years. But its not just about helping osteoporosis, my concentration, having energy to see me through the day, one day I want to have children and the more I don't have my period for the less chance I have of this happening. 

Its no wonder I had a stress fracture!

After my appointment I went to the supermarket to pick up something for my shift at work, getting some of the foods my dietician had suggested which was more protein and calcium. But me and supermarkets never really tend to mix, I go in and get so overwhelmed with everything in their and end up coming out with nothing.  I was really very annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry. So mad and how much I want this but when it comes to a simply thing of shopping I kind of get a bit stuck. I was also working so not really having much chance to sit down and eat a proper meal as my work are idiots and won't give me a break even though I worked from 5-11pm, so this meant taking lots of nakd bars to see me through my shift, and a big bag of dried fruit. 

However, despite the confusion going in my brain, and how sometimes the eating disorder overides my normal thought process.  I have one thing on my side determination, I am determined to fight this illness. It has stolen so much of my life and I refuse to not let it steal anymore. I have supportive friends, family, and an amazing boyfriend whom I never thought I would meet someone like him. I also have the running, cycling, to spur me on, and that I want to be a successful occupational therapist to help others recover from any illness. 

Best Recovery meal ever!!!

For those in the UK today, its pancakes day!!! I am going to a pancake place this evening with my best friend, can't wait its been too long. Think I will go for a savoury one, maybe goats cheese and sundried tomatoes. 

What is your favourite topping? 
Do you ever get overwhelmed in the supermarket?