roundup

past few days haven't been too bad, been kept fairly busy with seeing friends and just trying to do normal things whatever that is lol. living in the house has been pretty awful though i get on really well with one girl called rachel who is like my partner in crime, we go out iwth each other most days coffee, bottles of wine hehe. I think if she wasn't their i would have gone back to my Mums as the other two I really can't stand. The one guy Adrian is a complete bitch he will talk about his so called friend kayleigh who lives here say how she's lazy, does nothing but when she is around they are best mates, and he seems to know how to make you feel bad. last night for instance when i was in the kitchen he was whispering to rachel and like a 4 year old said lets go outside and smoke looking at me and that they wree clearly wanting to not invite me which was childish and petty. i know it sounds somehwhat silly but its like living with a pair of kids who spend their evening giggling and getting excited over kids programmes. i really cannot wait until i move out, i really have outgrown living in supported housing with mental health people. i acnt wait till i can get away from all services.

in other news i have joined the gym. i am trying to get into running as their are more people my age and gender who run and think it will be a way for me to meet people. im only managing about 20 minutes on the treadmill but guess isnt too bad for a complete novice to running, going tonight and will try 25 minutes then hopefully gardually build up.

college tomorrow;( really dont want to go katy isnt in and I have to deal with two girls who seem to like to bitch about anything and anyone and the girl who owes me money has asked me to pay her more money for diesel to college and of course i will pay her.

I feel somewhat lost

i am sitting here and wondering what to do. for the last 9 months every spare moment has been taking up by my college course and now its over and I no longer have that to occupy me. I am a bit scared of the old thought process coming back as college gave me a purpose. I would love to work but I will end up losing more money as my housing costs would be too much as live in supported housing. I have tried to sort out some voluntary work but they all want crb forms. I think I may go and visit some family in milton keynes. Will probably go out cycling too, but sometimes it does feel lonely to go out on my own. I have lost many friends to the ed, and although I am starting to make new ones and get my life on track it is still a long process. I do have one amazing friend and she knows who she is, and has been around in the very worst of my illness days.

today i will visit my mum for lunch and maybe message a few people and try and arrange to meet up.

yesterday i had a really great cycle ride, did 45 miles in 3 hrs, and got talking to this friendly chap on the road which was nice i was very flattered when he asked if i was a triathlete lol. and i did my usual thursday night drinking which was okay but realised that men are far too complicated , i thougt from doing psychology i could work out people behaviour but with men it feels far too complicated

feeling a lot better:)

So after my ever so slightly depressing post and do feel a lot more happier:) I spoke to some close friends about the situations and that has helped challenge my thoughts about myself and be able to rationalise it in my head and tbh I am very close to finishing so I won't have to see the girls again. A lot of it has to do with the confidence that I have about myself and how I feel about myself which I guess is a slow process. 


I had a really great night on Thursday although I drank far too much oh well. I am making up for all the lost years hehe wonder how much longer I can keep saying that will be my excuse in many years to come;) I ended up going to a bar and dancing the night away. I actually felt like I did when I was 19 enjoing my life, yes I was still struggling with an ed but I was actually living my life. The end of the night however wasa  bit strange. Ben a guy I went to school with who I haven't seen for ages he is also friends with Glenn. anyway he has a habit of not being able to control hsi drink has got banned from practically all the bars in Newton lol anyway me and my friend had to see him into a taxi and when I was telling him to behave he said to me:


"shut up anorexic" and I was actually pretty hurt by it and a bit upset because well it just made me firstly a bit shocked as I struggle to see myself as under weight but also like I don't wnat anymore people to think of me that way or see it as an offensive term. earlier in the night I was actually looking at myself in the mirror and starting to see my body as differently like I could see how stick like my legs were and how my top half is still fairly emaciated I am at a BMI of 15-15.5 and I am starting to think about maybe trying to gain a bit. the reasons why I got ill was a lot to do with not wanting to look like a women and not be seen as attractive and a way to control my body and everything else around me but now I want to look attractive, I want to not have sticking out shoulder blades, a bony chest. maybe I really am starting to get well. I can see a life out their I know I will never go back to how things are, I want my period back, I want to regain some bone mass back I don't want to be 50 and have a bent over back I know I can't take back osteoperosis but I can try all I can to keep my body safe and well. well it has given me food for thought excuse the pun.


anyway I am just getting ready for a night out with my best mate were going to a beer festival and I plan on sampling lots of sugary ciders and wines I'm not a beer drinker lol. 

feeling shit:(

okay have tried to stop the negative thoughts but can't help feeling awful about these girls. I have low self esteem as it is and I just feel like a really shit person. I am going out tonight for a few drinks and dont really feel up to it but hey ho will go anyway may feel better when I am out. also having heard from glenn the gut I went on two sort of dates with I don't think he likes me in that way:(

Friends and exams

I have come to realise that you are better of without bitchy so called friends/girls that you come across. Their are 3 bitchy girls on my course who seem to not really care about other people's feelings so I have come on here to vent somewhat. One girl has been funny with me because I have asked her twice for some money back which I had lent to her okay it was £3.50 but when your a student it is a lot its not like I was asking for 20p back. Anyway to cut a long story short I havent asked her again for it back and I know she has no intention of asking me for it back, and through a conversation on facebook with another girl she made some snide commnet aksing for 3 p back which was aimed at ME. It all seems very silly and I thought that stuff like that only happened at school, and today when I was going in to the car she didnt want me to sit in the front seat of her car well she said  that alice gets car sick. The thing is its only these few girls. everyone else is really nice but they seem to like being horrible to people throughout the year they have bitched about certain people and very clearly made it clear that they don't like people. My friend katy at college isn;t like it at all and I know I haven't done anything wrong. But it has made me doubt myself that I am not a nice person and getting all those negative thoughts about myself.

However from reflection I have realised so what? why would I want to be friends with people like that? who like to bitch are blatenly nasty to others. Okay so this other girl on my course is fairly slack always arrives late rarely hands work on in time but I wouldn't just not speak to her and exclude her from things. I have made friends on my course and I like the friends that I have got, it only makes it difficult for me because I travel up with them in the car and I am naturally shy so sometimes conversation is awkward. It has upset me a bit but I have some extremely caring thoughtful, kind, amazing friends in my life who aren't bitchy in a nasty okay females generally are bitchy its in our nature:p but you can be bitchy in a nice way and I am not going to let 3 girls make me feel bad about myself-*keep repeating this to myself*. My course is nearly over so I want have to deal with them for much longer and I will stay in contact with the friends I have made on the course and hopefully meet lots of new people in Bournemouth, and I don't think I am nasty person I know I am caring and thoughtful, I have spoken about this with staff in the past. ooh maybe CBT is actually starting to work I can see how my thought process has changed somewhat!

oh other fairly good news. I got a distinction overall for my exam unit on criminology, although I am slightly disappointed that I didn't get all distinction on my exam and was made worse by one of the *girls* who said to me "get all distinctions then did you?" just because I usually get all distinctions doesn't mean I do well in exams I never do my mind goes blank. I do have another exam and we can choose the best one but it doesn't really matter because I got a distinction overall for the unit and even if I get all distinctions for my next exam I will still get the same grade overall.

I am going to go on a bike ride this afternoon really bloudly hope I can dodge the rain lol and then I will be going out for a few drinks. Glenn is out tonight and I can't work out whether he likes me or not, at the moment we are just friends and I do feel like a teenage girl again getting butterflies in my stomach before I see him. but what will be will be

date number 2;)

So quick catch up. my apts went okay on monday. really well with the dietician. reassured me about the sessions with her as I felt I was needing to see her and she works alot different outside the unit and sees people obviously on an out patient basis. One of my goals untill I next see her is to incoeperate more carbs that don#t form the basis of fruit> apperently 5-% of your intake is meant to be carbs. So that is my goal and today have managed that I had a bowl or porridge pre run and some pearl barley when I got back followed by a bowl of fruit and yogurt. tonight was my first run and I was quite impressed with myself managed to run a 5k run which took 27 minutes. i did stop and start a bit but overall went well. i used my garmin 750 even though its aimed at bikes its okay to take on runs.

DATE


So sunday night went quite well. We had lots of conversation I even asnwered the dreaded question "what food do you like?" lol he told me he never cooks!! hasnt even used his over!! said I would cook one evening for him. He is actually quite sweet he text me shortly after he dropped me of said he was very shy but had a nice evening and would like to meet again. At the moment I would say we are friends but I guess it could lead to more. Tonight I am meeting him for a DVD night at his. He said he would either drop me back or he would go on the sofa, I would rather come back to mine as have to get things ready for college and usually go on a walk pre college. So I will update further on how it goes.

In other news I am for the first time starting to really see how my body looks and sometimes feel ashamed yes ashamed in a good way. I dont like it that my chest bones stick out. In the past I liked it as it showed how thin I was but the last two evening that I went out I felt the need to cover them up so I dont look so emaciated. yes in the past I am ashamed to say that I wanted that look. I still see my thighs as big I always have done though and in the past I had freaked when my chest starting to get bigger as it meant I was a "women" and I never wanted to appear attractive to the other kind because of my past hisotory and it has been one of the reasons that has kept me in the ed for so long. so I feel this is a bit of a relevation that I am starting to dislike my "anorexic body" as such. However I still feel too scared to eat more. I am going to see what my weight does over the next few weeks and hopefully eridicate the purging/bingeing which I have done for the past week but had one slip up but is such an improvement from my once a day. Then I may speak with the dietican and my psychologist in overcoming the beast that has dominated my life but will no longer dominate my life.

Hope everyone is having a good evening.

a date!

well so my night on the town went okay. I drank far too much and did feel bit bad the next day for the calories and just havin fun BUT was able to rationalise it as this is how I want my life to be full of fun and living it to the max and I have a lot of catching up to do hehe.

well I somehow met a guy, who I am ashamed to say I don;t remember all to well ooops. but he asked a friend of mine for my number so I text him and tonight we are going to the cinema, drink, and a game of pool. it was going to be a run hehe. but the weather is bad. tbh I am a bit relieved as my legs are so sure from a 35 mile bike ride yesterday and not refulling properly :( anyway Im seeing my old dietician tomorrow so hopefully that will help and push me in the right direction. Anyway im pretty nervous about tonight. I went exeter today with my friend rachael and was a bit naughty and bought a dress from the henry holland range at debenhams it would be rude not too as I have wanted it for ages and it was half price. link below:
http://www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10001_10001_037010430445_-1?breadcrumb=Home~Women


anyway best dash as need to put my face on hehe

exam over!!

well I had my psychology exam today, well its a mock we get two attempts at it and think we get an average grade or something so have another one in two weeks time. but I think I done okay in it, answered the question well I think evaluated the research and used relevant studies just have to wait and see.

Last few days at college have been a bit easier, the end is so near. Just have a biology assignment to do and revise again for the exam.

I think I am going to go out for a drink in newton abbot tonight with rachael. need to get used to going out more. I am going on a long bike ride in a mo so that will help relationlise alcohol calories lol. I have counted calories today, I started too but thought it may freak me out more as I ate quite well before my exam and just had some lunch before my ride and will take some snacks with me. So tonight is a screw you ed day. I am going to enjoy myself and see how far i have come especially with how well I have done in all my previous exams and one day of extra eating and drinking:p is not going to make any difference and tonight I will have something I want to have  ie not a salad maybe their three bean chilli or noodle dish.

Looking forward to the weekend as dont have too much work to do, and have a few nice things planned.

sister and college

Well,

I kind of abandoned my blog for a while. I was reading and posting in others but just didn't have the time to update mine. A fair few things has happened. mainly with life and my sister who always seems to effect my mental health. Its a bit of a long story but anyway. About 2 years ago she lived at home with my mum and had a cat a pedigree one called elle and when she left home about a year ago maybe less. she didnt pay anything towards the cat, and my mum has been looking after the cat. so now she is somewhere different she decides that she wants the cat back. Which I don't feel is fair on the cat, the other cats who she gets on really well with, or my Mum who has become close to the cat. for one thing my sister works shift patterns, the cat needs to have people around its a cat house and doesnt go out and goodness knows what the people are like where she lives. so she wanted my support on the matter ie for me to tell mum that she should give the cat back so for the first time in my life I have my own opinion on the matter. I find it difficult to express myself say what I want, be assertive. So i thought no i am going to say to her that she shouldn't have the cat back.

THEN I get this backlash from my sister who says she has always suported me came to one of my uni interviews and basically tried to blackmail me. now she has deleted me from facebook and no longer wants to see me again all because i wouldn't support her:(

so now i feel pretty shitty. I always feel the need to please people and feel very upset and hurt that she no longer wants anything to do with me. She does have mental health problems and has disappeared from my life before.

other news I am back at college and have found it really difficult. I feel like a few of the girls have started to talk about me, a few of them can be extremely bitchy, I am very clued on to my surroundings and know when people are having issues with things I don't know maybe i am paranoid. but I just find it hard to have conversations with them because I am fairly shy and I find it hard to relate to their conversations as a lot of them are around men, relationships etc and I haven't really had any normal teenage years. whenever we walk to college and to classess I am always the one behind trying to fit in. maybe i just don't fit in to society. I was always bullied at school. I really thought I would have found it eaiser than I have done to make friends. maybe it will be easier at uni when people tend to go away from their homes. I mean I have made some friends and most of the people are nice I guess it has a lot to do with my self esteem.

In some good news, I have been getting on better with my mum and seeing friends for the occasional drink and someone new has moved in who i get on really well with. My course is also coming to an end not sure how I feel about that. bit of mixed emotions. happy, relief, sad, i don't know really will be nice to have more free time.