WIAW- Getting the new year off to a good start.

Well its been a long time till I have participated in this, mainly because no-one wants to read about plates of vegetables and fruit being consumed which is what my diet had consisted off, and it feels good to be able to eat proper food and fuel myself properly. 

This morning I started the day of properly with some oats, with natural yogurt and dried apricots. It has been months since I have ate porridge and it felt so warming and comforting. I need to work on the amounts I put in adding some healthy fats but is a step in the right direction.

After they had digested I went on an easy cycle ride did about 20 miles at a slow pace. I needed my legs to recover as I went on a long run the afternoon before did 9 miles, and this is my other bit of good news I have entered in an half marathon!!! When I was in a running shop I saw it on their counter and was attracted as it is traffic free and pancake flat!!!! Marathon details: http://www.ironbridgerunnerevents.co.uk/exeterhalf/ I actually have no idea how to train for a half marathon, will do some googling. I really love exercise so much and it has really helped me to get to a higher weight and eat more as I want to fuel my sport. I find I don't care so much about what I eat, my mood is a lot better and I learn to accept my body for what it is.


Lunch was spent with my lovely boyfriend. He cooked us something in his slowcooker, called gingered chickpeas with parsnips, carrots, and onions in a tomato sauce it was so nice. I had it with some roasted butternut squash:

Afterwards I had one of my cookies, these I have made before. But this time added honey and some  nakd pineapple raisins. It was adapted from this lovely girlies blog I actually made this in about 20 minutes when I came in from the bike ride as was waiting for Andy to pick me up.

After lunch and chilling out with Andy he took me food shopping, stocked up on essentials and then I went to my old house to pick up some things that have been their for months. We also stopped for a costa quite handy having a boyfriend who works in my favourite coffee place. So had a extra hot soya latte. 

This evening I cooked my favourite veg, roasted butternut squash with sage, cottage cheese and a chickpea salad!!

Favourite veg to eat in the winter? 
Any tips for a half marathon? 

Back for good I hope

Well I have been thinking of updating my blog for a while, and ever since I started reading blogs I loved the ideas of having goals but for some reason every time it came to the beginning of the month I was busy, had forgotten, or was struggling with things. I wanted to update before Xmas but didn’t really have the time.

Things are going a lot better and I feel confident that I will again pick myself up and make moves with my recovery. I think over the years I am finally learning to accept things, to accept that recovery and life for that  is not one straight journey that there will be bumps and bruises but it’s about letting those bruises heal.  I truly believe and hope that I will one day recover from an eating disorder.

Although my last relapse was horrid, some positives did come about. I realised that I did actually have people who really care. Two friends from college and someone whom I have known for years and consider my best friend were like a rock to me visiting nearly every day their kindness helped me through so much. I also learnt that I was taking on too much, I was working full time long hours till 2 am someday and I hadn’t allowed myself to rest. I realised what an amazing boyfriend I have who likes me no matter what has happened to me, it also enabled me to be completly honest with him and this has helped strengthen our relationship.

Although this year has been difficult. I am confident that the past is that the past and that I have it within me to make changes and make this a great year.

Goals:

• v  Complete a half marathon
• v  60 mile cycle ride around Dartmoor ( I have entered the Dartmoor classic with my boyfriend which is in January)
• v  Get to University.
• v  Continue cooking and making meals from scratch.
• v  Have some fun.
• v  Get a better job. (have an interview next week for a health care assistant with the NHS)
• v  Update my blog regularly.
• v  Learn to rest more.

Happy New Year everyone!!!! 

What things do you have planned for the year ahead? 

T

Little update and book review

From having so much free time I have been able to catch up with some reading, and recently re-read the following book that I am going to review. I feel I am slowly starting to heal and slowly come to terms with the loss of a friend, and hopefully get things back to how they were.  I think the plan once I leave hospital will be to go into supported housing again. It has helped me in the past so I am hopefully it will help me again. I have been receiving so much support from friends which I am internally grateful for. I honestly don't think I would have been able to pull through this without them. 

Biting Anorexia- By Lucy Howard-Taylor

Many books I have read on anorexia especially those that are an auto-biography can be triggering with the inclusion of weights, BMI’s, and food consumed. However I found this book to be a powerful, insightful memoir of anorexia.

 Split primarily into three section, The Dark; where the author talks about living in the depths of the illness, which offers an insightful and brutally honest account of that anorexic voice that many suffers will relate too. Reading the final page of this section is extremely harrowing as it poetically describes what it is like living with anorexia and the sheer grip it can hold on you.

 The Gray; is the next section of the book; which the author talks about her journey of recovery and finding her place in the world again,  whilst recovering from an eating disorder and depression. What I like about this, is how honest she is with her journey of recovery. This sentence really echoed with me

 “It is indescribly difficult, writing this. I cannot seem to find words for how excruciating choosing between anorexia and life was. This will not make sense to you, or perhaps (unfortunately) will “. 

She talks of her struggles with bingeing, body image, depression,  relationships and low self esteem in a poetic, but easy to read and understand format.

The final part of the book “The Light” Howard-Taylor gives advice on what has been beneficial in her journey of recovery, and how it is possible to move on from anorexia. What I liked about the ending was her honesty that yes she is at a healthy BMI and the anorexia and depression don’t dominate her life, but she will still have those bad body image days and will still need to take medication to counteract the depression. 

I decided to review this mainly because it was my Mum that took so much from this book. She had passed it around to all her friends, she has read a few books on anorexia but this one really appeared to echo with her. Where I think for the first time she really understood it. Throughout the book the author’s sense of humour is highlighted, and it truly captures the challenges that occur with recovery. I would recommend this book to anyone who is in recovery from anorexia, or even looking to understand the illness that many people who haven’t had lived experience often misunderstand. 

Their is also a really  good pro recovery forum which the author was one of the first members of which offers support to those in recovery from any eating disorder. 

long time no see!!!

Well it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, and I dont think I will be updating it more regulary until I am in a better frame of mind as I wanted it to be positive, and more recovery focused on living a life free from anorexia and not engaging with the illness and feeling like I want to die all the time. 


An update to be brief and I guess matter of fact, the funeral was two weeks ago, I thought I could cope with it but clearly I couldn't. Their was a get together at the pub where haven't not eaten all day I drank 3 glasses of wine and then went on  a self destructive route where I couldn't stop myself banging my head on a car window had to be restrained by a member of staff, I went up with the people from whom I was in supported housing with. I came back home well got dropped off. Took an overdose, came out the next day, the day after that took another overdose, it was partly planned had written goodbye letters to everyone. Got saw by the psych, seen by the crisis team. The following day let out, then the day after decided again I can't cope so went to totnes with the intention of not eating and drinking and just dying in a nice b and b. eventually saw matt a support worker whom I am very close too and someone from the crisis team. They suggested hospital nooo I can't go not today, I am fine I won't do it again I just want to be left alone. no such luck ended up agreeing to go. 


Depression and anorexia is the worst it has ever been, I tried to escape again on monday after some more bad news that I won't go into. Ran away to newton abbot, completely out of mind didn't know what I was doing, and here I am still in the psych ward under section 2. Appealing against it though.

Where am I now???


I am fighting for survival, I have so much support from close friends and family. The psych is amazing, as are most of the staff. Although they don't fully understand anorexia, they do want to help. I realise that this is a big set back, but when has life ever been plain sailing when has their ever been one easy road to fall down too. I have't given up hope that I can be well again. I have done it once before, I am slowly starting to eat again and utilise the support that I have. I know myself incredibly well and know what works for me. 

RIP

Okay most of this was meant to be published monday afternoon so I drafted it up, however monday afternoon took a turn for the worst where one of my close friends took an overdose and died. She has had mental health problems most of her life and I could relate to her so much we both shared similar childhoods with regards to our past and she had to deal with terrifying flashbacks too. It wasn't her time to go, she was barely 20 and we celebrated togeather. life is so unfair. It has hit me hard, and I am trying to fight through all the negative thoughts I have but it is so hard.

 The rest of what I have intended to post seems irrelevant. I know this isn't a particular happy post, and I didn't want my blog to turn in to an emo sort of diary, but I just need somewhere to vent too and to blog about the loss of a special friend. She will always be in my thoughts, and it will take me a while to overcome this. Depression is a horrible illness and she shouldn't have had to go through all this. I am not going to lie I have myself tried to kill myself on a number of occasions but I don't feel I ever wanted to really die and I don't think Rachel did as well.

RIP my friend

Hope everyone is keeping well

I have been absent from blogging for a while, mainly because things have been quite difficult. I have found out that I won’t be able to commence uni this September. I have passed occupational health but the University are insistent that I cannot start until the following year. I have called, practically begging to see if they could change their mind as feel more than ready to start but they seem to think that because I saw a dietician back in March and that I have just left supported housing that I will find the course too challenging, not the academic part but the practical placement. I disagree but who am I too say!?

I am currently trying the fake it till I make it. Trying to look on the bright side of things, that it will mean I can save up, get some experience, good at cooking, improve my fitness levels, have some fun. But then there is the otherside of it where I feel that I have failed that I have let myself down. Then there is the scary part of my age and how I feel old, that the ed has stolen so many years of my life; which to be fair it had. But I am determined to not let it steal anymore from me.

So right now I am going to be working in wetherspoons which isn’t too bad, and in the meantime I have applied to work on the NHS bank and also going to apply for a temporary auxiliary nurse position on a ward. I am also going to join a running group. I really want to meet people with similar interests to me and exercise is something I really enjoy and would be great to meet people through that. I am also going to save up for a better bike, mine was the lower end of an entry level bike and I really want a new one.

My current bike

Well I did have some fun the other day and visited alton towers and stayed in the hotel too!! It was really great to let my hair down although I probably let it down a little too much. I loved the air ride best. I also went swimming in a sort of water park, and I even wore a bikini for the first time in about 6 years!! and I felt okay in it. My friend said to me that I was getting a  pack!! and I actually though my stomach was toned and that my thighs aren't really that bad even though the ed at times has told me otherwise. 

Okay I promise I don't just drink cocktails when I go out!! 

I learnt a lesson too, that I really need to learn how to control my drink more I just don't know when to stop and that although I am 25, mentally I am a lot younger. I feel that through being ill with anorexia I haven’t had time to properly grow up and right now I am learning that stage. It is quite difficult as I almost feel stuck in a nieve 18 year olds mindset and really do not feel 25 I don’t have the same experiences as what a 25 year old has had. Even though I had to grow up quickly in terms of a practical sense as my Mum has been ill with mental health problems I haven’t had the same life experiences with men, socialising, work etc.

I suppose right now I am coming around to the thought of taking a year out to properly get myself well for University so I am ready to face anything!! I know that going backwards is not an option. I could have quite easily said screw it all and let my negative thoughts take over.. But I refuse to let anorexia take anymore of my life away. I will be trying out lots of different recipes, and also improve my general fitness. Building up for a 10 k. I know I

 am not 100% recovered and still have some things to work on, but know I will get their with time. 

anyone had to take a year out from university because of the their health? I am on the look out for new some snack ideas. Currently been on the nakd and trek bars and oatcakes with nut butters. But trying to expand my horisons. 

Determination

PRE-WARNING: This is going to be a fairly long post, so if you read all this I am very impressed

Determination- I have always been extremely determined and in the past this has been somewhat negative where I have been determined to see a number go down on the scale where I have done absolutely  anything to lose weight. Where this determination has made me sick, made me enter hospital on a number of occasions, made me lose friendships, try to take my own life and just damn right miserable. 

I have also been determined to fight for support and help, I had to wait an extremely long time before I could go into hospital on my last admissions and I was extremely sick where I was in and out of general wards alot, but I never gave up I continued to keep myself well so I could live. This may sound dramatic from people who don't know me at the time but it was so scary how long I had to wait at the state I was in. 

However now I like to use my determination in a positive light. I had to fight to receive therapy on the NHS which believe me was a difficult task but I am glad I did as I am now able to overcome many of the issues I had with relations to males, the flashbacks that haunted me day and night and what triggered of my eating disorder. 

I am now determined to improve my running:

Run today-5 miles-pace-8.06-40.09 minutes

Get my body healthy

To get myself to college where I achieved 28 distinctions, make friends, do things that the eating disorder has stopped me doing for so many years. 

Well this now brings me to the uni situation.On Wednesday when I had received an email from the University that said that I wasn't able to start this year and have to defer to next year because in their words: it is the decision of the academic team that because you are in receipt of ongoing and substantial input from mental health services and because of the recency of your symptoms related to your condition we will not be able to make the neccesary adjustments. 

In my opinion this is completely wrong, my condition has improved, I had a referal back in March to  a dietician as had a minor blip due to a close friend dying. I am going to be hopefully discharged from services once I have settled in and I haven't even asked for any adjustments. 

This is only the start of the pa-larva. I called up occupational health the next day as I was meant to see them this Monday and they haven't heard anything about me not starting this year!! as far as they were concerned I was going to have my health clearance on Monday as they required some additional information from my GP of my future prognosis and suitability to the course. The women I spoke to was really nice and even she agreed with me when I said it feels like discrimination as their are plenty of people with health conditions that are on courses and if someone with a medical problem was wanting to start they would have no issue with them seeing a nurse for appointments.  

So finally me being as determined as I am rang up Human rights I had a reference number as I contacted them before when I went and saw the University a few weeks back. They said to me it is direct discrimination as even if I did make some requests like time out for appointments they have to show that they have made reasonable adjustments and are not allowed to disallow me on the course when I have health clearance from my Doctor. 

Occupational health still want to see me on Monday, and it really is so frustrating and depressing not knowing whether I can go to university or not. My work think I am going on the 17th September I haven't been able to tell them the situation. I have spent my whole summer excited about University even bought some books. It has been difficult to carry on with life, eating, socialising. But I am determined

 Banana and maple cookies

 Baked squash with feta

 Sausage and butterbean bake with roasted butternut squash

Mammoth bowl of cereal with greek yogurt and chopped apple

All through life we face challenges and in the past I have dealt with these in a negative light. But not any longer, I am now turning my determination in a positive light One of the reasons I am most upset about university is i feel really old. Battling an eating disorder has meant I have missed out on so much life and I try to not dwell on it but at times it is hard but it makes me all the more reason to fight, and continue as I know that going back is not an option. I want a life and will do whatever it takes to grasp it, and if that means I have to wait a year longer for Uni then so be it. I mean I don't even look 18 not alone 25! Also mentally I do feel about 19 like I am just starting my life, as I feel the eating disorder has somewhat stalled me growing up So my plan if I don't get to university this year is:

• Join a running club and enter some races
• improve on my cycling
• save as much money as I can
• Continue to see my friends and socilaise a lot and of course have a few drinkies:p
• Join match.com lol
• get some healthcare related experience their is some jobs on the nhs website which I think I will apply for. 
• Get good at baking and cooking!! although I can cook, their are so many recipes I want to try and practise makes perfect. 
• Treat myself out to a cake or sweet treat in a cafe. I don't think I have ever done this and their is this nice little veggie/vegan cafe where I live that makes the most amazing cakes and I am yet to have one.
• Raise some money for a dementia charity. 

Well that's all folks, yep I told you it was long. I have also shared some personal information which I am not sure how I feel about but I am in a place where I want to be able to help others and I am hoping that others reading this can seek support and feel that they are not alone. 

 I will have more information on Monday when I again have to go down to Bournemouth to see the occupational health nurse and I am still non the wiser sure on whether I can go this year or not. 

Anyone took a year out before university? what did you do? Do you have determination? Favourite comfort food?