Psychology essay!

Well today has been a good day all in all. Actually really good!!
This morning I had my psychology essay back and got all distinctions, I have manage dto achieve distinctions right from the start. But today I was extra pleased and dare I say it proud of myself. Firstly the comments that my tutor wrote were just lovely, I am going to share them too

"An incredible thorough and well researched essay. You have provided an extensive range of sources to provide evidence and commentary of the therapies covered. It was a please to read such a lovely essay."

All my hard work is paying of I spend hours on my essays getting the best research, trawling the web for journals . Another reason im proud is a few friends have asked ME to look over their essays lol yes little old me, and I have been doing so and giving them ideas on what to change around etc and she was getting passes and today she got distinctions and she was so pleased. of course it wasnt just me as i said she has put the effort in it was a good esssay but just needed tweaking which I was more than happy to do. I do now realise that I am "good" at psychology I really get it I have had always an elaborative mind at school I was always better at the humanties side of subjects like history, geography and english etc maths and english i also struggled with, and I am now accepting that I cant be good at everything and biology is not my strong subject i do manage to get merits but psychology is my specalist subject lol.

After college I went to pick my bike up then went on an hour and a half ride. tomorrow Im going to go on a long ride have been building up my fitness slowly. did 22 miles today, I am giving myself credit for how my cycling is improving and havent lost as much fitness as I had thought. trying to get my average speed up too. I have one of those garmins but kidn of forgotten how to use the features so need to do some research on it.

when I came back had my cpn appt which was good. i feel she really gets it, i do have more to write on it but will save that for another time.

oh and tonight I went to my local for a drink and a meal. they dont have a very good veggie option or things i feel okay eating all have mostly cheese so just had a jacket potato with beans. small steps:) I did have a vodka and diet coke and tia maria and diet coke. was nice to meet my friend. we both met in supported housing, and have become good friends. he told me for the first time what his diagnosis was (paranoid schizophrenic) I was actually shocked as thought he just had anxiety as know he has mentioned that he never went out. apperently its something you can grow out of it. I know a bit about it from psychology and too much or too little dopamine and he is gradually coming of his medication. alot of mental illness are hidden even eating disorders, as its only when your very ill that people notice and its not like some other illnesses that you can see on the outside alot of it is in your head .

my plan for tomorrow is an early bike ride as will be so quiet with everyone celebrating the wedding perfect time for a cycle ride;)

Pregnancy and Pancakes

So on monday a few days ago now. I found out one of my friends was pregnant, I have been thinking about pregnancy alot especially after spending time with my friends kids I love kids and working with them I used to volunteer at a playgroup and even had a few childminding jobs the reason its in my mind is that I don't even know if I would be able to have kids as haven't had periods in like years and even when I had that they didn't stay around long think it was a big trigger for my anorexia. Anyway its not like I will be getting pregnant even in the next 5 years but it does cross my mind at times and I was thinking of going to see my GP. I have heard of people with anorexia and being able to get pregnant. I know I would need to be at a higher weight too but I guess when the time comes I will cross that bridge. thats what I think helps me when I have lots of thoughts about my body and when the thoughts get quite strong.

oh and pancakes yes!!! I went out for lunch with a friend and had a buckwheat pancake with some strawberries and maple syrup it was really nice. I did research before hand so I knew what was to be in it ingredients wise, they have so much choice. I think I may try a savoury one next times or some frozen yogurt!!

Well I am back at college this week too, and really enjoying being back. I have finally finished with Maths wahoo! which means I will get some spare time to catch up on other work. My bike is in for a service. I am having some stuff put in my tyres that will mean I can get home if I have a puncture lol me and changing tyre don't go hand in hand and I tend to cycle alone and don't fancy being stuck out in the middle of nowhere, I will also have my brakes looked over

Easterbreak

Well, I haen't updated for a while. Things hae been okay. Still have my good and bad days but hey ho.

Easter break has been pretty okay. I have enjoyed it. the last holiday I haven't as it has been a lack of structure for me and I missed seeing people. But I have been able to enjoy myself catch up with friends. I actually have a sort of social life now. I have been to Crealy a kids adventure park lol drank cocktails and made sushi, studied and stayed in the sun, lunch in exeter. so not bad, and I have done some studying too and been out cycling on my bike.

I have just finished my research project for psychology I looked at the influence of media in deeloping anorexia and found it quite intersting although my personal opinion is that the media doesnt cause anorexia I don't feel they help anyone have a normal attitude towards their body image. I remember feeling and thinking I was fat at the age of 9.

Tonight I am going to relax with some baileys.

Cycling!

So me and my 2 wheels have been reunited again, and I do feel really damn good at the moment. Like my life is tarting to fit in to places that I really have no intentions of going backwards that this is where my life is and I feel HAPPY!

Anyway it has been about 9 months or so till I last set foot on my road bike. I practically cycled most of last summer and I really loved it. it really helped me in so many ways:

• being able to eat on the go (when your cycling you need food at least every 15 minutes to be able to maintain energy) especially on my 3 hour rides!
• eating carbs- they helped me get over my fear of carbs, you need carbs for cycling and I was even able to drink sugary drinks
• eating a lot I mean one day I had to eat 3000 calories for doing a 60 mile ride
• have friendships with something in common other than an illness. 
• eat in front of other-I joined a cycling group they all ate cake but I was able to have a cereal bar with them and feel okay with it.
• maintaining my weight and being at higher weight, I very much nearly reached a bmi of 17. one of the reasons I stopped was because I stopped eating enough to be able to cycle well and that was depressing

However, I stopped because I looked in the mirror and all the old thoughts came back that I am fat that I don't deserve nice things, I was starting college and thought people wold think I was fat, and so the bike went and eating little started again. I also moved back home which wasn't the most wisest move. BUT I did know that I wouldn't have time with my course but now my course is less me and the bike come back:)

however I am taking it slowly, just going out for one hour and building it up slowly and wont be doing it competively like I did before with a cycling group just for pleasure. I cant go out loads as do still have college work to do. But I feel happy that I have started cycling again. I feel that exercise has been so positive for me, does anyone else find exercise helpful? for me its about having the right balance

better few days

Well, the past two days have been fairly okay. Food has been easier, and I am managing to keep more food in and not freak over it.

Waitrose was disappointing yesterday. They had none of the food doctor products or the greek split potsL but I did however get some buckwheat flour which I have been after for ages to make some pancakes with!!, and I felt quite emotionally going up to waitrose as it was the way I used to travel to visit Derek. I miss him so much. He would always make me feel better, we shared so much together he was the first man that I began to feel comfortable with. He was meant to see me get to uni. Tgis world feels so unfair. It was smoking that killed him. I wish to god he could have given that up. But you see that’s how I understood him and he understood me. How you can still crave something that you know could very kill you me and my ed, and him and his cigarette fix. But although he is gone he will stay with me forever. He helped me realise that I am a nice person. I still have the messages he sent to be telling me how much I meant to him. Okay I am going to stop now as I may break into tears. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTSJ

Today has primarily been spent looking over and editing my essay for psychology which I have literally spent days on, and I am beginning to feel happy with it. I have also looked over a friends one and gave her some help with it. Everyone at college sees me as this psychology wiz kid lol which im not well I do get it more than most people and always get high grades for it but I never see myself as being good at it. Guess its my low self esteem and how I have never really felt good at anything academic. But I am starting to see that maybe I do have something that I am good at, and I do enjoy it which is always a bonus.

I think I need to try and branch out food wise and try more meals to experiment with. I have been having a lot of poached eggs on toast with mushrooms as of late, and its getting a bit boring so tomorrow I am trying a pitta pizza! A food doctor pitta bread grilled in the oven with some tomato puree, grated cheese,  ham and mushrooms and a nice salad.

College day tomorrow,. I really love college and seeing all my college friends. I hated it at first almost felt institutionalized from being in what I can describe as anorexia bubble land with a concoction of being at home, in hospital and supported living so was an adjustment as first bt I can honestly say it is one of the best things that I have done in so many years and I can’t believe that I am actally living a life I never thought possible where I know in a few years time I will be working as an occupational therapist in a job I will love so much and be able to help others. I can also now start living my life how I should when I got ill. A;though im turning 25 soon I don’t feel it because I haven’t really had chance to grow up.  

A good olde moan

Okay, well I kind of wanted this blog to be more positive orientated and not a cast off from similar diaries I have created that focus on ed shit. But I realise that recovery isn't always going to be a one way path where it follows a straight narrow line their are going to be creaks and sharp bends, and bumpy roads. I feel right now I just want somewhere to vent too in a place that not many people read or those that know me in a very personal manner.

I am really struggling with bulimia it started to get bad when a close friend of mine died. I say friend but he was more like a grandad to me and unlike restricting b/ping was more immediate and it became a viscous cycle which I have been stuck in for so many months. I have been trying but it is almost feeling like an addiction like a needed buzz. but after I feel shit worse, and then when I try to eat I end up bingeing. I know part of it is related to not eating enough and dealing with two illnesses it seems the anorexic side of my head that tells me all these negative things about myself, about eating, my body how no-one likes me, convinces me all these bad things, and then their is bulimia whom when I start eating I sometimes am unable to stop and its so scary as I have been I guess the restricting type of A/N for so long. BUT

I have fought hard to be where I am now. I don't want to go back to either illness and its finding ways to live with my eating disorder. So this means trying to get into a normal pattern of eating, eating the stuff that feels okay and right now its getting a grip on the b/ping its effecting so much, my social life, college work, money. I have to get things sorted before I go to UNI, and I am hopeful that I can. I get so so mad at myself at times, well really frustrated because I don't want to be doing this, I want to be leading a positive life I am sick of this eating disorder how much of my life it has stole and although I cannot change what has happened in my past and contributed to many of my problems today I do have the power to change my future:)

Body image


Well this starting to get to me too, I wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. i seem to spend so long looking in the mirror comparing my body, thinking about how fat I feel seeing my thighs too big everywhere too big AND I know its ILLOGICAL I know I am NOT FAT but I feel fat I feel huge. I wish I didn't feel this way I see other people see them as body confident. people think I am mad when I say my thighs are big but to me they are and when I still fit into kids clothes I am convinced clothes sizes have got bigger! I am trying to work on this with my psychologist, but I wonder if I will ever see myself as how other people see me.

Tomorrow


well tomorrow is a new day, I do have much more to write but I need to get to sleep. I am of to m &s and waitrose tomorrow. m&s for coffee and breakfast they do porridge their and I can have it with soya milk, then to waitrose they have a few things I have been wanting try especially the new greek yogurts that I saw reviewed and they do the food doctor range of stuff. bit apprehensive about Waitrose as Derek used to take me their and its close to where he lives. But I have one of the staff from here going with me so it should be a nice morning.