Okay, well I kind of wanted this blog to be more positive orientated and not a cast off from similar diaries I have created that focus on ed shit. But I realise that recovery isn't always going to be a one way path where it follows a straight narrow line their are going to be creaks and sharp bends, and bumpy roads. I feel right now I just want somewhere to vent too in a place that not many people read or those that know me in a very personal manner.
I am really struggling with bulimia it started to get bad when a close friend of mine died. I say friend but he was more like a grandad to me and unlike restricting b/ping was more immediate and it became a viscous cycle which I have been stuck in for so many months. I have been trying but it is almost feeling like an addiction like a needed buzz. but after I feel shit worse, and then when I try to eat I end up bingeing. I know part of it is related to not eating enough and dealing with two illnesses it seems the anorexic side of my head that tells me all these negative things about myself, about eating, my body how no-one likes me, convinces me all these bad things, and then their is bulimia whom when I start eating I sometimes am unable to stop and its so scary as I have been I guess the restricting type of A/N for so long. BUT
I have fought hard to be where I am now. I don't want to go back to either illness and its finding ways to live with my eating disorder. So this means trying to get into a normal pattern of eating, eating the stuff that feels okay and right now its getting a grip on the b/ping its effecting so much, my social life, college work, money. I have to get things sorted before I go to UNI, and I am hopeful that I can. I get so so mad at myself at times, well really frustrated because I don't want to be doing this, I want to be leading a positive life I am sick of this eating disorder how much of my life it has stole and although I cannot change what has happened in my past and contributed to many of my problems today I do have the power to change my future:)
Well this starting to get to me too, I wish I didn't feel so fat all the time. i seem to spend so long looking in the mirror comparing my body, thinking about how fat I feel seeing my thighs too big everywhere too big AND I know its ILLOGICAL I know I am NOT FAT but I feel fat I feel huge. I wish I didn't feel this way I see other people see them as body confident. people think I am mad when I say my thighs are big but to me they are and when I still fit into kids clothes I am convinced clothes sizes have got bigger! I am trying to work on this with my psychologist, but I wonder if I will ever see myself as how other people see me.
well tomorrow is a new day, I do have much more to write but I need to get to sleep. I am of to m &s and waitrose tomorrow. m&s for coffee and breakfast they do porridge their and I can have it with soya milk, then to waitrose they have a few things I have been wanting try especially the new greek yogurts that I saw reviewed and they do the food doctor range of stuff. bit apprehensive about Waitrose as Derek used to take me their and its close to where he lives. But I have one of the staff from here going with me so it should be a nice morning.