better few days

Well, the past two days have been fairly okay. Food has been easier, and I am managing to keep more food in and not freak over it.

Waitrose was disappointing yesterday. They had none of the food doctor products or the greek split potsL but I did however get some buckwheat flour which I have been after for ages to make some pancakes with!!, and I felt quite emotionally going up to waitrose as it was the way I used to travel to visit Derek. I miss him so much. He would always make me feel better, we shared so much together he was the first man that I began to feel comfortable with. He was meant to see me get to uni. Tgis world feels so unfair. It was smoking that killed him. I wish to god he could have given that up. But you see that’s how I understood him and he understood me. How you can still crave something that you know could very kill you me and my ed, and him and his cigarette fix. But although he is gone he will stay with me forever. He helped me realise that I am a nice person. I still have the messages he sent to be telling me how much I meant to him. Okay I am going to stop now as I may break into tears. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTSJ

Today has primarily been spent looking over and editing my essay for psychology which I have literally spent days on, and I am beginning to feel happy with it. I have also looked over a friends one and gave her some help with it. Everyone at college sees me as this psychology wiz kid lol which im not well I do get it more than most people and always get high grades for it but I never see myself as being good at it. Guess its my low self esteem and how I have never really felt good at anything academic. But I am starting to see that maybe I do have something that I am good at, and I do enjoy it which is always a bonus.

I think I need to try and branch out food wise and try more meals to experiment with. I have been having a lot of poached eggs on toast with mushrooms as of late, and its getting a bit boring so tomorrow I am trying a pitta pizza! A food doctor pitta bread grilled in the oven with some tomato puree, grated cheese,  ham and mushrooms and a nice salad.

College day tomorrow,. I really love college and seeing all my college friends. I hated it at first almost felt institutionalized from being in what I can describe as anorexia bubble land with a concoction of being at home, in hospital and supported living so was an adjustment as first bt I can honestly say it is one of the best things that I have done in so many years and I can’t believe that I am actally living a life I never thought possible where I know in a few years time I will be working as an occupational therapist in a job I will love so much and be able to help others. I can also now start living my life how I should when I got ill. A;though im turning 25 soon I don’t feel it because I haven’t really had chance to grow up.