Sunday, 1 May 2011

CPN appt

well, I want to just collaborate my thoughts from my CPN appt. I have been seeing her for a few months and already feel that I can connect with her and actually feel that she gets "anorexia" and also really understands my past history as her previous role was a leader from the SACE group which is a support group for people who have suffered sexual abuse as a child. Anyway I was speaking to her about kids etc and how I feel my life is so much more positive than what it has been. Anyway she asked when I last got my periods it was probably well over six years ago. She wants me to try and gain some weight. This has been on my mind recently but I struggle with my body image and have also been getting conflicting thoughts from people one staff member I asked who is also has become a friend said she didn't think I looked underweight my BMI is 15 this confused me and I have asked opinions of others and they thought she was barmy and that I do look underweight think it would be good if I could try to gain weight. I just want to go to uni and for people to not know my past to live a normal life as possible. Im scared though scared of being normal scared of not having the security of anorexia. I realise the reasons that led to get an ed are not the same reasons that are now still keeping me in the ed it is almost like an addiction a way that has defined me. I feel it has also become my identity and i wouldnt know where I would be without it.

My goal at the moment is to try and get my eating more stable. I am still struggling with restricting and b/ping; more so the B/P phase. So my goal for the next few weeks is to try and bring structure back in to my eating then I can try and work on the other stuff, so just maintaining at the moment I think is the best way for me to go, and challenging myself with food and such. Not just with food but with life tbh. over the past few months I have realised you only get one life and I intend to live this one to the full. I have wasted goodness how many years sick with an ed and I will not let it take anymore of my life away. 

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