Great week and a milestone

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently. I have just had a busy week. even my evenings have been busy. It all started on Friday the 13th... Known to many as

A day that means bad news. However my day was pretty awesome. Firstly had the last part of my training for a health care assistant job and afterwards i was able to go to an interview that i didnt think I could go too as my training overlaped. However my training finished earlier so I called the other job up and asked if I could attend the interview. I was unprepared, but I managed to nail the interview. I even had to speak to a group of teenagers about a social action project... However I got the job, and proud and happy I was.

 I never thought it possible that even a few months ago I would be working as a youth worker, let alone attending an interview at the whim.

In other news my injury is loads better and am pretty much back to all my usual activities. Went on a 50 mile cycle ride yesterday and felt so so strong, best I have ever ridden. Although I am sick of people commenting on my small size and asking how much I weigh- no joke!!! I mean you would never ask someone who was obese what their weight was. I find it strange as I am at the highest weight I have been at for nearly 8 years!!!! I myself still feel "big", but to others I am not so maybe it is all in my head . I also decided to weigh myself this morning, and my BMI for the first time in goodness knows how many years is in the healthy range. I didn't feel awful as I thought I would do BUT I felt proud, proud that I have done this on my own.

I never thought it would be possible that I would be able to eat what I am eating, be the weight I am now, be happy, have an amazing boyfriend, have things in common with people that isn't having an eating disorder in common, to have friends that love me for who I am and to be able to converse with them with everyday conversations. I have put on around 10 kg since January time, many of my clothes no longer fit me. Alhough difficult I know its a good thing and I can now get new clothes:p  I may not like my legs, I may still look in the mirror and feel big but they are strong, I can cycle, run, and swim and most importanly I feel happy. On my last ride someone commented on how much  I have improved, my speeds are the best they have ever been.  I want to be able to share with people that recovery is possible that you can go from the lowest, deepest dark hole, to that of a functional person who has a whole life ahead of them. After about 5 hospital admissions I am happy to say that I have made it through. I know I still have some way to go, gaining weight is almost the easy part its dealing with my head that takes the work. However I didn't get ill overnight so it isn't going to disappear overnight so I just have to be patient.

After all that.... This weekend has been pretty awesome too. I spent it at Andys we made pizzas on Saturday night from scratch-yep that included the dough!!!

 Pizza ingredients-yep that is mango:p 

Andy was such a good dough kneader!!

We even made cheesy dough sticks. 

My toppings included goats cheese, peppers, mushrooms, mango and emmental cheese. Oh and a bbq sauce base so so nice. 

We are making them again next Sunday for the rest of the family and letting them pre order them:p think I we may do some garlic bread too.  I have never made my own pizza dough before but they were so so nice, and the only ingredients in the dough was whole-wheat and white flour, pinch of salt, two tablespoons of olive oil, and water. It was so much fun too, can have whatever toppings you fancy. 

Have you ever made pizza? 

for those that have gained weight how did you feel when you got their? Also how long did it take to get your periods back? 

cycling my way to the top

hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, I have had a pretty awesome week and the weekend is going ace too.

I've had two exciting things that I can't wait to share with you. The first thing happened on Thursday when I was at the pool, went to a general swim (no lanes), wasn't actually overly busy so got in about 40 minutes of swimming. When I ws getting changed this little girl came up to me and said "How do you swim so fast"? lol okay she was only 7 years old but it made me smile a lot.

Then the next day, I went on a 2 hour ride and their was loads of other cyclists out which after a few with strange helmets passed me by realised it was a time trial. I so want one of those cool helmets, of course I want this pink one:

Alot of the cyclists I saw out had helmets to match their bikes and clothes. Anyway I was in awe of how fast they were racing, on my way back from my ride I saw this British cycling car pass by me then around a few minutes later the car stopped at this guy got out his car and pulled his hand out indicating me to stop. I did I actually thought I was in trouble lol. Well the guy said to me why am I not out training with my local cycling group. Told him that I actually going out tomorrow:p Mentioned I was training for a triathlon and he told me to get into road racing, said he has seen me out a lot. Then he gave me his card:

 of course had to take a picture and post it on facebook:p

Man the adrenilin I had on the way back was insane. Never felt so pleased with myself, my average for the 30 mile ride was 17.4. Felt awesome.

I'm excited for tomorrow when me and my boyfriend are going out with my local cycling group. Today has consisted of lots of rest and carb loading. We cooked one of my favourite meals 

 Paella!!!

 Wholemeal hot cross bun

 Sweet potato with cottage cheese and peanut butter

Wholewheat bagel with philedelphia and chocolate spread and some jam and peanut butter

This was actually the first time I have tried peanut butter on a sweet potato. I have seen it on many blogs and have I admit been scared to try it, because of my fear of fats. But I've realised that fats are needed to be healthy and that the ED can bugger off:p Plus it tasted really nice. 

Tried any new foods recently? 

Any Easter plans? 

WIAW- the random one

Sorry to have gone all MIA on my blog, I had a really busy week last week. Which involved eating at my favourite sushi place

Spending the weekend with my boyfriend, and his family at a little place called Kenilworth and dressing up as Alice in Wonderland with my other half as the mad hatter: 

Don't we look cute;)

I also got very broody ( Don't worry Andy not for a few years yet;) ) 

Under 1 month old, I wanted to take her home!!! 

From holding this baby, also gave me motivation with the ed to gain more weight so I can get my periods back. I am starting to find my body image difficult especially when I look at some pictures of me. But I am reminding myself of all the things that come with being at a higher weight. 

My WIAW today is a bit random, well my dinner is anyway. 

Protein Oats 50g oats, 25g banoffee protein powder and 1 tsp of peanut butter. 

Food Doctor pitta with cottage cheese, and side of kale and carrots

Random Dinner: Squash, broccoli, yorkshire pudding, veggie burger and cream cheese, falafel and pasta with cream cheese

It was sort of like a pic and mix dinner:p 

Snacks consisted of dried fruit mixes, home made banana bread bar, and a bowl of cereal before bed

I have also been able to have more runs outside, and my swimming is improving. My swim instructor said I no longer need lessons its just a case of practising. I think I may go along to a group lesson once a week though as am still finding my breathing hard. 

Do you like lots of little things? I love mini sizing everything so I can have a little bit of what I fancy

Have you ever dressed up? 

WIAW-Mothers day

This WIAW is based on mothers day. For those of us in the UK last Sunday was mothers day; where we celebrate our love for our mummies:) I love my Mum so much and don't know what I would do without her. I will really miss her when I go away to Bournemouth. I treated her to a michael Jackson top, a photo with a picture of me and her in it:

I also got her this journal, called from you to me. My mum has quite bad memory problems, it has gotten worse over the past year to the point where she has sent money to people and not even realised what she was doing. She's still having tests to get a proper diagnosis its not dementia, but is most likely caused by previous overdoses, as a recent scan showed a decrease in her brain matter. So I am always trying to find things that can help with her memory and this seemed ideal; its basically something for her to fill in to tell me all about her life,and what I was like as a child. Their is more info here if anyone wanted to check it out. gifts. 

After I had exchanged gifts. I had my breakfast; I tried the Philadelphia cream cheese and cadburys chocolate and it was so so nice!!!, the other side was honey

Then had a pressing date with my lovely boyfriend. This involved a cycle ride with a tea stop. We usually stop halfway through the ride, the place we planned to go to was actually closed!!! But knowing the area fairly well we cycled to the Cranks Resturant in Totnes. Its a quite famous vegetarian resturant.  Andy had his usual cream tea  which I had a piece off, and I had some wholemeal toast and jam. after the stop we did a loop, overall I think we did 25 miles. Was a fairly easy ride for me, as I seem to climb like a goat in my new bike:p 

Came home showered, and turned from a sweaty cyclist to a less sweaty cyclist. I love wearing red. Think it looks quite nice with blonde hair. 

I had booked us in a local resturant, that is always so hard to get booked in too. At xmas they get fully booked by AUGUST!!!!! They do a really great carvery, and it also pleases me as they do my favourite veggie nut roast:

I had it with a huge side of vegetables:

 Okay this is where I felt the ed was starting to annoy me. I do love the nut roast, but I kind of wanted something different, but wasn't sure how it would turn up, what would be in it etc.  Sometimes the internal battle can be so tormenting,  I just wish I could go out for a meal and choose what I wanted not what the ed wanted. Although it was a really nice meal, and the nut roast is one of the most nicest things that I have tried. It was also really nice to spend some time with my Mum as we don't often get to do, as she never goes out.

Dinner was a butternut squash rissoto that I had made previously, I accidently forgot to take it out the lid, well I did think it would be oven proof clearnly not haha

It was edible though once I had transfered it to a plate, had it with  some goats cheese on top, a veggie sausage and a load of vegetables. 

Before bed I had one of my favourite breakfasts:

Dorset cereals gingerbread oats with peanut butter

I have finally been able to run again!!! I went to a running shop on Monday, and got some amazing advice. I have been in the wrong trainers I am going to do a post about this soon, but I spent nearly two hours trying to find the right shoe. 

Do you have a snack before bed? Whats your favourite? I think mine is usually some form of cereal. 

Did you do anything nice for mothers day? 

Swim lesson and feeling hopefull

Woop, its the weekend!!! I am especially happy that it is the weekend because, I am no longer working in a pub!!! No more drunken louts shouting at me, no more not having chance to pee because the bar is so busy. I did hand my notice in early, as I just couldn't cope with working anymore evening shifts especially on a Saturday night.It was starting to effect my mental health and some shifts I was going home crying to my Mum as feel so out of place at work, and was hard to manage eating enough as we weren't even allowed breaks for a six hour shift.  My CRB is now in the printing stage so it shouldn't be too long away, and is nice to have a few weeks off until I start my new job as a health care assistant which I really can't wait for. Want to be doing a job that is enjoyable and I really enjoy helping people.

On Wednesday I had my first swim lesson, I was pretty nervous beforehand... even more so when she asked me to swim some lengths. My stroke was awful I was out of breath after doing less than 50 metres!!!! I bet she thought "This is gonna be hard!!!". The first part of the lesson was spent building my confidence up in the water, my bad habit was not putting my head in right. So spent around 10 minutes working on just gliding in the water:
So

Basically this, it felt strange at fisrt but I soon got the hang of looking face down in the water We had to firstly get my position right out of the water. The rest of the lesson was spent doing some drills with a kickboard, with one arm on the float the other down by my leg and kicking on the side. Then the arms were brought in, with one arm doing the front crawl. We focused also on my breathing, and lastly was my head action and trying to get me to body roll. When I lift my head to breathe I am not body rolling, I was SINKING haha. So at least I know where I was going wrong. However at the end of the lesson she said she could already see an improvement in my form, I apparently have the speed but just not the technique, and need to work on my arm strength. I also did some backstroke drills but not using my legs just my arms which was really hard work!!! 

I've been to the pool everyday since my lesson, and feel that I am getting the hang of body rolling, and trying not to reduce my drag when I lift my head out of the water. I've also been using more arm weight machines in the gym and did a body pump and combat class today. I actually feel like I am actually swimming, not just paddling in the water hehe. However my swim endurance is rubbish compared to the bike. Can easily go for a 45 mile cycle ride and think nothing of it. But I can barely do less than a mile in the pool. Even after swimming a few lengths have to stop for a minute or two. Swimming I swear makes me the hungriest out of all three, and I'm only in the pool for 30 minutes!!!!

Identity

I need to talk about something eating disordered so feel free to skip by. I think I have spoken about this before, but I feel what kept me so controlled and ill by the anorexia was that I was scared of losing my identity.I didn't know who I was without the anorexia, I was so scared of losing something that practically nearly killed me, but I felt I had nothing in my life.

However right now I feel quite damn good about my recovery, my future. I now longer see myself as just my eating disorder. Admittedly it is still their, and I probably know that to some degree it will always be their. But I am starting to see myself as an athelete, a person, a student. People are knowing me know as an athelete. I was in Tescos the other day and bumped into a guy from the bike shop I got my bike from he is also a triathelete and does spinning classes and felt so good to speak to him about bikes, cycling, training. I did lol at myself as felt like a typical athlete walking around tescos with a load of bagels and bananas. Where in the past I guess i have felt like a "typical anorexic" walking around with some apples and salads in my hands. I know which one I would like to be associated with:p And today after my swim session, I was chatting to this women I think we were talking about the lanes in the pool and she was telling me about how she did the london triatlon, she even said I was a fast swimmer lol. 

People from my job knew me as a runner a cyclist, and this is who I want to be known as. Even though I am injured from running I am still a runner. I love the fact that my body is getting stronger, my cycling is improving, I'm able to increase the weights, my concentration is improving. I can go out to eat, and not worry. I can drink cocktails and eat pizza well with a salad in the middle:p But I feel that for the first time in my life I am building my future, I am finding out who I am as a person, and I am determined to not let anorexia steal anymore of my life. I am doing things I never thought ever possible, I honestly never thought my life would be anything but living in an anorexic bubble. I never thought I would have a boyfriend, be able to eat what I felt like eating, get to University. But my folks it is possible you can come from the deepest of holes and still find a light at the end of that tunnel. 

After than somehwat long drifted post time for some of my yummy eats. I've been trying to have different breakfasts, it really is my favourite meal of the day and will often have two breakfats one before training and one after. I've been craving bagels recently and am pleased that tescos has my favourite food doctor bagels on buy one get one free!!!

Bagel with jam and Houmous

oats in a jar

chopped apples, peanut butter and banana on rye bread

Lunches have been fairly simple and light, as I've been quite busy so been having more snacky time things. The food doctor pittas are my favourite:

Filled with some goats cheese

Have you ever had a 1to1 swim lesson? 

Favourite pitta filling? 

Listening to my body

I think the comment from my Dad has limited its impact on me, and am not feeling quite so bad. I think men in general can be quite insensitive.

The weather this weekend has really been so nice, and is defiantly the perfect weather for cycling!!! On Saturday I went on a nice cycle with my boyfriend to Totnes, which was around 22 miles. We stopped off half way at a cafe, which catered both of our needs. Scones with jam and clotted cream for Andy and some wholemeal toast and jam with a soya latte for me. The toast was so thick though that I saved half and  I took it home with me and had it for my lunch later on. It actually tasted just as nice, pressed reheat on my toast and alas

random plate of roasted kabocha squash, aspargus, kale, red onion and chickpeas, with blobs of cottage cheese. 

Yesterday I went to a body pump class, I haven't been for about 4-5 months. The arm workouts nearly killed me, but I did enjoy it and am going to try and go once a week, as strength training has really been helping my cycling.However today have a bad case of DOMS. 

In view of my March Goals, I have been trying to listen to my body more which is a hard task, but feel I am sloly getting better at this. I have realised that my body still isn't strong enough to run, as I was getting the pain again in my knee. So am going to rest it for another 2 weeks, which includes no running:( I guess I can focus more on cycling and swimming. Although I still really suck at swimming. However I am really loving cycling at the moment, and love getting stronger on my bike. In April time I will be doing a 10 mile time trial with a cycling club I was member of and my goal for that is for a 20mph average, which depending on how hilly the course is I think is achievable. After I've got used to my bike for a bit will be having some tri bars fitted. 

Exercise plan this week is 4x cycle rides, 4x Swims, and two strength sessions. Today was my easy day where I swam for 1000 metres and did some walking. I've also been using the foam roller daily which has been killing me, but guess good pain. 

I've also been trying to increase my fat intake, I probably eat minimal fat. I know its a really great anti-inflammatory,  so been adding nut butter to my oats and in my cereal snack bowls: 

Oats, banoffee flavour protein powder,and almond butter

Bran flakes with yogurt, cottage cheese, and almond butter. 

I think nut butter is  defiantly my favourite fat. 

Favourite fat? 

Ever done a body pump class? 

are you good at listening to your body? 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me

So, the week is nearly over, and I am feeling a  little bit wobbly emotionally at the moment. Stresses of my job, waiting for my CRB, dealing with weight gain, thinking over people whom I have lost is turning my head in to world spin. 

Anyway, my ever so lovely Dad whom has a very bad habit of saying the wrong things to me, has done it again!!! We went out for lunch today with my mum, at this carvery place. I love it because you get so much free veg, if anyone is wondering what a carvery is, its basically where they give you meat or veggie alternatives I had two yorkshire puddings and you get to have as much fresh veg, stuffing, potatoes etc as you like. So I piled my plate high with veggies, and some stuffing. Roast potatoes aren't a safe option for me. Well to cut a long story short, my mum said she would like to go sainsburys and I said I wouldn't mind picking myself up some things from sainsburys as was cooking me and andy something tonight. My Dad then tried to make a "joke" that surely I wouldn't need anything tonight with "all that I have ate", this made me feel awful, greedy, fat, huge. He knows my issues around food, I am trying to rationalise the comment in my head and not let it effect me, but it has. I remember when I as younger he would make silly comments like "eating again" geez its no wonder I developed issues with food. My mum was very supportive and we spent some time in sainsburys and I got some things for this evening. 

I guess the moral of this tale, is it is just that words. Even though I know rationally what I ate was more calorie dense than my Dad's which was piled high with roast potatoes,  I know reading this seems a bit silly to an outsider but I am fairly over sensitive, and do take things personally. I just I guess have to learn to deal with comments. So instead of wallowing thought I would blog instead.

On to more positive news, I am loving my new bike. Managed to understand the gearing, and not have any clipless moments. Oh boy I am going so fast though, one lap I did was an average of 17.9mph, I did 12 miles in 40 minutes. This is good as I have found a route that I can practise for my triathlon as this happens to be 12 miles. Going up hills is also a breeze. My power food this morning was:

Oats cooked with soya milk, chocolate powder, and a banana

Defiantly rocket fuel!! Was comparing a ride from back at the end of January, check out the difference in my lap times 

Laps

Split	Time	Distance	Avg Speed	Time	Distance	Avg Speed
1	1:01:09	16.76	16.4	1:09:27	17.56	15.2
2	40:21	12.03	17.9	41:17	10.93	15.9
3	22:28	4.90	13.1	24:27	4.80	11.8

I did some foam rolling this morning which hurt like a buggery, but guess its good pain. 

How do you deal with unhelpful comments? 

Do you love seeing your times improve? 

Favourite rocket fuel? 

What I've learnt

Well this week has gone fairly quickly, and am looking forward to the week ahead. I've had some good news about my new job, my reference has a gone through okay which means I can start working as a healthcare assistant, I was very worried about it because I had took a of of sickness time off before Christmas. But had a phone call to say the reference has been received and is all okay. Also I have my jabs on thursday which I am odly excited about!!

I've spoken and seen my GP and she says its okay for me to start running on the treadmill:D this makes me one very happy sarah

With my adorable cat Marie

This time I am going to build up slowly and listen to my body, you could say I've learnt to listen to my body!! Maybe the hard way, but I guess it has made me more determined to beat this illness. I am going to run on the treadmill 3 times a week, im just doing 3 mile distances at the moment and will gradually build up from their.

These are a few other things I've learnt, along with some of my eats!!

• Its sometimes nice to have food cooked for you

Boyfriend cooked me baked eggs with spinach and mushrooms and a side of sweet potato mash was so so nice and ate guilt free

• A clean bike makes a faster bike!! My bike was so filthy, and the chain was creaking all over but me and my boyfriend cleaned our bikes together and made me ride up the hills today so much better!!
• Doing weights at the gym won't turn me in to the incredible hulk but will make me stronger in my cycling and running!!

Nope I didn't turn into a big giant Gorilla!!! (me at the zoo on friday with my boyfriend)

• Swimming can be fun, I am actually starting to like swimming, and can now even put my head under haha. 
• Pancakes can be savoury as well as sweet:

Goats cheese and mushrooms in homemade buckwheat pancakes

Ever had a savoury pancake? Have you leant anything this week? 

A reality check

Yesterday was I feel a milestone in my recovery. I had an appointment firstly with an assessment to have some therapy with someone from EDA, these are a charity that offer support and advice to those suffering with any eating disorder. It went okay, and I am on the waiting list to see someone to look specifically at the reasons behind my anorexia, which is something  I have never really touched upon and now I feel in the right space to be able to do it. Afterwards was my appointment with my dietician...

She asked me how I was, said I was okay. Weight had gone up, I firstly went in with the intention of doing a plan to maintain for a few weeks as had recently been finding the weight gain side of things quite difficult.

However when I told her about my stress fracture, she was very brutally honest with me and said that this was a sign that my body is not liking where it is right now, and reminded me the shocking truth about what osteoporosis can do to you in the future:

The thing is I know this, I know the dangers, I know from all the literature I have read on stress fractures, not getting periods, being under weight, all the damage it does to your body but the anorexia can almost convince you that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU, well my folks it has and it will do. Having the bones of a 70 year old at  25 years of age is a scary reality. 

We worked out my BMR, and what calories I need to maintain on, and also the scary part what I need to gain weight on. I only actually managed to gain weight when I went away to Bath as wasn't exercising. But exercise is an important part of my life and my recovery. So I am going to try and build up to this amount that I need to gain on.I am not going to lie I am scared by this process. 

Something also quite scary happened when I left the train station, almost like someone up their has been watching over me.... I saw this old women cycling but she was completely hunched over her back was so bent and I thought crap I don't want this, I need to recover, I need to gain weight. The one thing that helps osteoporosis is being at a healthy weight, somewhere I haven't been for nearly ten years. But its not just about helping osteoporosis, my concentration, having energy to see me through the day, one day I want to have children and the more I don't have my period for the less chance I have of this happening. 

Its no wonder I had a stress fracture!

After my appointment I went to the supermarket to pick up something for my shift at work, getting some of the foods my dietician had suggested which was more protein and calcium. But me and supermarkets never really tend to mix, I go in and get so overwhelmed with everything in their and end up coming out with nothing.  I was really very annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry. So mad and how much I want this but when it comes to a simply thing of shopping I kind of get a bit stuck. I was also working so not really having much chance to sit down and eat a proper meal as my work are idiots and won't give me a break even though I worked from 5-11pm, so this meant taking lots of nakd bars to see me through my shift, and a big bag of dried fruit. 

However, despite the confusion going in my brain, and how sometimes the eating disorder overides my normal thought process.  I have one thing on my side determination, I am determined to fight this illness. It has stolen so much of my life and I refuse to not let it steal anymore. I have supportive friends, family, and an amazing boyfriend whom I never thought I would meet someone like him. I also have the running, cycling, to spur me on, and that I want to be a successful occupational therapist to help others recover from any illness. 

Best Recovery meal ever!!!

For those in the UK today, its pancakes day!!! I am going to a pancake place this evening with my best friend, can't wait its been too long. Think I will go for a savoury one, maybe goats cheese and sundried tomatoes. 

What is your favourite topping? 

Do you ever get overwhelmed in the supermarket?