A reality check

Yesterday was I feel a milestone in my recovery. I had an appointment firstly with an assessment to have some therapy with someone from EDA, these are a charity that offer support and advice to those suffering with any eating disorder. It went okay, and I am on the waiting list to see someone to look specifically at the reasons behind my anorexia, which is something  I have never really touched upon and now I feel in the right space to be able to do it. Afterwards was my appointment with my dietician...

She asked me how I was, said I was okay. Weight had gone up, I firstly went in with the intention of doing a plan to maintain for a few weeks as had recently been finding the weight gain side of things quite difficult.

However when I told her about my stress fracture, she was very brutally honest with me and said that this was a sign that my body is not liking where it is right now, and reminded me the shocking truth about what osteoporosis can do to you in the future:

The thing is I know this, I know the dangers, I know from all the literature I have read on stress fractures, not getting periods, being under weight, all the damage it does to your body but the anorexia can almost convince you that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU, well my folks it has and it will do. Having the bones of a 70 year old at  25 years of age is a scary reality. 

We worked out my BMR, and what calories I need to maintain on, and also the scary part what I need to gain weight on. I only actually managed to gain weight when I went away to Bath as wasn't exercising. But exercise is an important part of my life and my recovery. So I am going to try and build up to this amount that I need to gain on.I am not going to lie I am scared by this process. 

Something also quite scary happened when I left the train station, almost like someone up their has been watching over me.... I saw this old women cycling but she was completely hunched over her back was so bent and I thought crap I don't want this, I need to recover, I need to gain weight. The one thing that helps osteoporosis is being at a healthy weight, somewhere I haven't been for nearly ten years. But its not just about helping osteoporosis, my concentration, having energy to see me through the day, one day I want to have children and the more I don't have my period for the less chance I have of this happening. 

Its no wonder I had a stress fracture!

After my appointment I went to the supermarket to pick up something for my shift at work, getting some of the foods my dietician had suggested which was more protein and calcium. But me and supermarkets never really tend to mix, I go in and get so overwhelmed with everything in their and end up coming out with nothing.  I was really very annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry. So mad and how much I want this but when it comes to a simply thing of shopping I kind of get a bit stuck. I was also working so not really having much chance to sit down and eat a proper meal as my work are idiots and won't give me a break even though I worked from 5-11pm, so this meant taking lots of nakd bars to see me through my shift, and a big bag of dried fruit. 

However, despite the confusion going in my brain, and how sometimes the eating disorder overides my normal thought process.  I have one thing on my side determination, I am determined to fight this illness. It has stolen so much of my life and I refuse to not let it steal anymore. I have supportive friends, family, and an amazing boyfriend whom I never thought I would meet someone like him. I also have the running, cycling, to spur me on, and that I want to be a successful occupational therapist to help others recover from any illness. 

Best Recovery meal ever!!!

For those in the UK today, its pancakes day!!! I am going to a pancake place this evening with my best friend, can't wait its been too long. Think I will go for a savoury one, maybe goats cheese and sundried tomatoes. 

What is your favourite topping? 

Do you ever get overwhelmed in the supermarket? 

half marathon training plan

Well I do think 2012 is looking up to be a good year. My half marathon training is going well. I spent some time on the runners world website, and found this great tool that will give you a unique training plan that is suited to your ability and goals. You enter your details about your last race time, how long you currently train for, how hard you want to train and how long you have to train for and it gives you training plan. Mine came out like this TRAINING PLAN. 

Yesterday was my 10 mile run, I was feeling quite good up to mile 4. I think I maybe started out too soon as looking at my garmin my pace started to slow down

10 mile run by sarah_1986@hotmail.co.uk at Garmin Connect - Details

and towards mile 8 started to get some hip pain. But overall I was pleased with it, my average pace was 9.25 per min/mile I've been trying out some different things to munch on the go. Yesterday was some jelly belly sports beans. 

Only trouble was as my hands were quite cold was difficult to nibble on the go so today I have brought some gels to try as they will be easier to take on the go. 

When I came back from the run I was more than ready for some recovery food after quickly downing a recovery shake my appetite was about. My dietician recommended some eggs to me as she said they are one of the best complete source of proteins. I love my dietician she has known me for nearly 6 years!! and has seen me in the very dark stages of anorexia where my diet consisted of lettuce leaves and some tuna. I hated her when I first met her, but it was the ed side of me that hated her as I was in patient and no choice but to eat the food. Gradually over the years and through wanting to recover she has been really helpful. She really gets anorexia and never patronises and finds was for me to slowly introduce foods back through working at my pace. 

Poached egg with baked beans, wholegrain rye bread with some light cream cheese and mushrooms!!!

This was actually  really quick meal I have a microwavable egg poacher (yep lazy I know;) 

Today was an important day for me. After a 3 mile recovery run I turned from a runner

Oh how fetching running gear is!!!!

Into a smart lady!!!

I had a interview for a healthcare assistant job at my local hospital. I think the interview went quite well, tbh I was even proud of myself for getting the interview as the last time I applied I didn't even get that far. I will hear on Friday, the 13th of all dates!!! Let's hope its good news.

So runners what is your ideal snack to eat mid run?? Favourite recovery meal? 

Busy day and dietican appointment

So today it feels like I haven't stopped. I have had a very productive day. I started the morning of with something a bit different for me!! My usual oats and chopped banana but this time with the addition of some chocolate powder. Oh my I was in love-seriously why have I never tried this before

well sorry for the bad light in the photo. After brekkie I went to my local gym to my first ever body jam class and my god did I need carbs to get me threw that one! Was very energetic but also good fun. 

Dietitian Appointment

This went okay also, was good to get some advice about y intake when I am working on the bar and as I had a suspicion I do need to be eating more when I am working and she said I need to put my energy requirements higher when doing my BMR of what I need to have daily. She is also very pleased with how I am doing being back at home, working. Especially as she knew me from my days of being admitted at the in patient unit where we had a bit of an hateful relationship well my ed hating her for feeding me lol. But now I have a lot of trust in her and she has been really useful with ways to include fats and suggestions for sources of protein, calcium etc. 

We also chatted about my thoughts of gaining weight and how it will benefit me in having kids, preserving my bone structure which does scare the crap out of me as I have osteoporosis. She said I would need to take in an extra 100-150 calories a day regularly to see an 0.2-0.5 kg increase, I thought it would have been more but guess the weight gain is slow. It has given me "food for thought" excuse the pun. I guess I am scared as to how my body will change. 

So after my appointment I had a look around town and took back some trousers from newlook. I have eaten precisely 8 nectarines today yes 8!! Oh my. I do love my fruit though and they are just so sweet and juicy I have been trying to food budget but is quite hard. This evening I made myself something extra special but I will reveal that for WIAW. 

Any ideas of how to eat healthy as a student?

I don't think I can listen to my body:(

So I am hoping this isn't too much of a depression negative post. But for the past few weeks I have not been calorie counting and trying to listen to my body more and it has been going okay but I am finding it really challenging.

For instance this morning I woke up really weak and lethargic, really hungry too and I know it was because I didn't eat as much as what I should have done after my long ride and then on my feet for working for 10 hours.

 I think I need to know daily amounts more. I have a dietician appointment on Monday and I am going to speak to her more about this cause although I don;t want to obsess over calories I am not at the stage where I can eat what I want and not freak out cause I find when I do it triggers me to  well I am not going to say what but its not a healthy thing to do. So I am hoping after a few weeks of working out my BMR needs I will be able to listen to my body more.

It's just so hard at times challenging the negative thoughts that the ed gives me and although most of the time I am winning that battle I just so badly want the ed gone...

But in the end this means gaining to a healthy weight. I worry a lot about my bones, my period, I am nearly 25 and that thought is terrifying how many years I have possibly missed out on but I guess I can't dwindle on the past but focus on the future. 

So in other news, I have a busy day tomorrow with going totnes with a friend and then working in the evening. I am doing a meal plan for the next few days to keep me on track till I see my dietican.

Well for lunch today I had a nice salad from sainsburys they have a pic and mix salad bar in this mix is a boiled egg, feta, mixture of salad leaves, some black rice and quinoa, Bulgar wheat in a beetroot dressing, some nuts and dried fruit,and spicy chickpea mix. 

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Do you find it hard to listen to your body? 

date number 2;)

So quick catch up. my apts went okay on monday. really well with the dietician. reassured me about the sessions with her as I felt I was needing to see her and she works alot different outside the unit and sees people obviously on an out patient basis. One of my goals untill I next see her is to incoeperate more carbs that don#t form the basis of fruit> apperently 5-% of your intake is meant to be carbs. So that is my goal and today have managed that I had a bowl or porridge pre run and some pearl barley when I got back followed by a bowl of fruit and yogurt. tonight was my first run and I was quite impressed with myself managed to run a 5k run which took 27 minutes. i did stop and start a bit but overall went well. i used my garmin 750 even though its aimed at bikes its okay to take on runs.

DATE


So sunday night went quite well. We had lots of conversation I even asnwered the dreaded question "what food do you like?" lol he told me he never cooks!! hasnt even used his over!! said I would cook one evening for him. He is actually quite sweet he text me shortly after he dropped me of said he was very shy but had a nice evening and would like to meet again. At the moment I would say we are friends but I guess it could lead to more. Tonight I am meeting him for a DVD night at his. He said he would either drop me back or he would go on the sofa, I would rather come back to mine as have to get things ready for college and usually go on a walk pre college. So I will update further on how it goes.

In other news I am for the first time starting to really see how my body looks and sometimes feel ashamed yes ashamed in a good way. I dont like it that my chest bones stick out. In the past I liked it as it showed how thin I was but the last two evening that I went out I felt the need to cover them up so I dont look so emaciated. yes in the past I am ashamed to say that I wanted that look. I still see my thighs as big I always have done though and in the past I had freaked when my chest starting to get bigger as it meant I was a "women" and I never wanted to appear attractive to the other kind because of my past hisotory and it has been one of the reasons that has kept me in the ed for so long. so I feel this is a bit of a relevation that I am starting to dislike my "anorexic body" as such. However I still feel too scared to eat more. I am going to see what my weight does over the next few weeks and hopefully eridicate the purging/bingeing which I have done for the past week but had one slip up but is such an improvement from my once a day. Then I may speak with the dietican and my psychologist in overcoming the beast that has dominated my life but will no longer dominate my life.

Hope everyone is having a good evening.