Great week and a milestone

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently. I have just had a busy week. even my evenings have been busy. It all started on Friday the 13th... Known to many as

A day that means bad news. However my day was pretty awesome. Firstly had the last part of my training for a health care assistant job and afterwards i was able to go to an interview that i didnt think I could go too as my training overlaped. However my training finished earlier so I called the other job up and asked if I could attend the interview. I was unprepared, but I managed to nail the interview. I even had to speak to a group of teenagers about a social action project... However I got the job, and proud and happy I was.

 I never thought it possible that even a few months ago I would be working as a youth worker, let alone attending an interview at the whim.

In other news my injury is loads better and am pretty much back to all my usual activities. Went on a 50 mile cycle ride yesterday and felt so so strong, best I have ever ridden. Although I am sick of people commenting on my small size and asking how much I weigh- no joke!!! I mean you would never ask someone who was obese what their weight was. I find it strange as I am at the highest weight I have been at for nearly 8 years!!!! I myself still feel "big", but to others I am not so maybe it is all in my head . I also decided to weigh myself this morning, and my BMI for the first time in goodness knows how many years is in the healthy range. I didn't feel awful as I thought I would do BUT I felt proud, proud that I have done this on my own.

I never thought it would be possible that I would be able to eat what I am eating, be the weight I am now, be happy, have an amazing boyfriend, have things in common with people that isn't having an eating disorder in common, to have friends that love me for who I am and to be able to converse with them with everyday conversations. I have put on around 10 kg since January time, many of my clothes no longer fit me. Alhough difficult I know its a good thing and I can now get new clothes:p  I may not like my legs, I may still look in the mirror and feel big but they are strong, I can cycle, run, and swim and most importanly I feel happy. On my last ride someone commented on how much  I have improved, my speeds are the best they have ever been.  I want to be able to share with people that recovery is possible that you can go from the lowest, deepest dark hole, to that of a functional person who has a whole life ahead of them. After about 5 hospital admissions I am happy to say that I have made it through. I know I still have some way to go, gaining weight is almost the easy part its dealing with my head that takes the work. However I didn't get ill overnight so it isn't going to disappear overnight so I just have to be patient.

After all that.... This weekend has been pretty awesome too. I spent it at Andys we made pizzas on Saturday night from scratch-yep that included the dough!!!

 Pizza ingredients-yep that is mango:p 

Andy was such a good dough kneader!!

We even made cheesy dough sticks. 

My toppings included goats cheese, peppers, mushrooms, mango and emmental cheese. Oh and a bbq sauce base so so nice. 

We are making them again next Sunday for the rest of the family and letting them pre order them:p think I we may do some garlic bread too.  I have never made my own pizza dough before but they were so so nice, and the only ingredients in the dough was whole-wheat and white flour, pinch of salt, two tablespoons of olive oil, and water. It was so much fun too, can have whatever toppings you fancy. 

Have you ever made pizza? 

for those that have gained weight how did you feel when you got their? Also how long did it take to get your periods back? 

RIP

Okay most of this was meant to be published monday afternoon so I drafted it up, however monday afternoon took a turn for the worst where one of my close friends took an overdose and died. She has had mental health problems most of her life and I could relate to her so much we both shared similar childhoods with regards to our past and she had to deal with terrifying flashbacks too. It wasn't her time to go, she was barely 20 and we celebrated togeather. life is so unfair. It has hit me hard, and I am trying to fight through all the negative thoughts I have but it is so hard.

 The rest of what I have intended to post seems irrelevant. I know this isn't a particular happy post, and I didn't want my blog to turn in to an emo sort of diary, but I just need somewhere to vent too and to blog about the loss of a special friend. She will always be in my thoughts, and it will take me a while to overcome this. Depression is a horrible illness and she shouldn't have had to go through all this. I am not going to lie I have myself tried to kill myself on a number of occasions but I don't feel I ever wanted to really die and I don't think Rachel did as well.

RIP my friend

Hope everyone is keeping well

Friends and exams

I have come to realise that you are better of without bitchy so called friends/girls that you come across. Their are 3 bitchy girls on my course who seem to not really care about other people's feelings so I have come on here to vent somewhat. One girl has been funny with me because I have asked her twice for some money back which I had lent to her okay it was £3.50 but when your a student it is a lot its not like I was asking for 20p back. Anyway to cut a long story short I havent asked her again for it back and I know she has no intention of asking me for it back, and through a conversation on facebook with another girl she made some snide commnet aksing for 3 p back which was aimed at ME. It all seems very silly and I thought that stuff like that only happened at school, and today when I was going in to the car she didnt want me to sit in the front seat of her car well she said  that alice gets car sick. The thing is its only these few girls. everyone else is really nice but they seem to like being horrible to people throughout the year they have bitched about certain people and very clearly made it clear that they don't like people. My friend katy at college isn;t like it at all and I know I haven't done anything wrong. But it has made me doubt myself that I am not a nice person and getting all those negative thoughts about myself.

However from reflection I have realised so what? why would I want to be friends with people like that? who like to bitch are blatenly nasty to others. Okay so this other girl on my course is fairly slack always arrives late rarely hands work on in time but I wouldn't just not speak to her and exclude her from things. I have made friends on my course and I like the friends that I have got, it only makes it difficult for me because I travel up with them in the car and I am naturally shy so sometimes conversation is awkward. It has upset me a bit but I have some extremely caring thoughtful, kind, amazing friends in my life who aren't bitchy in a nasty okay females generally are bitchy its in our nature:p but you can be bitchy in a nice way and I am not going to let 3 girls make me feel bad about myself-*keep repeating this to myself*. My course is nearly over so I want have to deal with them for much longer and I will stay in contact with the friends I have made on the course and hopefully meet lots of new people in Bournemouth, and I don't think I am nasty person I know I am caring and thoughtful, I have spoken about this with staff in the past. ooh maybe CBT is actually starting to work I can see how my thought process has changed somewhat!

oh other fairly good news. I got a distinction overall for my exam unit on criminology, although I am slightly disappointed that I didn't get all distinction on my exam and was made worse by one of the *girls* who said to me "get all distinctions then did you?" just because I usually get all distinctions doesn't mean I do well in exams I never do my mind goes blank. I do have another exam and we can choose the best one but it doesn't really matter because I got a distinction overall for the unit and even if I get all distinctions for my next exam I will still get the same grade overall.

I am going to go on a bike ride this afternoon really bloudly hope I can dodge the rain lol and then I will be going out for a few drinks. Glenn is out tonight and I can't work out whether he likes me or not, at the moment we are just friends and I do feel like a teenage girl again getting butterflies in my stomach before I see him. but what will be will be