Great week and a milestone

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently. I have just had a busy week. even my evenings have been busy. It all started on Friday the 13th... Known to many as

A day that means bad news. However my day was pretty awesome. Firstly had the last part of my training for a health care assistant job and afterwards i was able to go to an interview that i didnt think I could go too as my training overlaped. However my training finished earlier so I called the other job up and asked if I could attend the interview. I was unprepared, but I managed to nail the interview. I even had to speak to a group of teenagers about a social action project... However I got the job, and proud and happy I was.

 I never thought it possible that even a few months ago I would be working as a youth worker, let alone attending an interview at the whim.

In other news my injury is loads better and am pretty much back to all my usual activities. Went on a 50 mile cycle ride yesterday and felt so so strong, best I have ever ridden. Although I am sick of people commenting on my small size and asking how much I weigh- no joke!!! I mean you would never ask someone who was obese what their weight was. I find it strange as I am at the highest weight I have been at for nearly 8 years!!!! I myself still feel "big", but to others I am not so maybe it is all in my head . I also decided to weigh myself this morning, and my BMI for the first time in goodness knows how many years is in the healthy range. I didn't feel awful as I thought I would do BUT I felt proud, proud that I have done this on my own.

I never thought it would be possible that I would be able to eat what I am eating, be the weight I am now, be happy, have an amazing boyfriend, have things in common with people that isn't having an eating disorder in common, to have friends that love me for who I am and to be able to converse with them with everyday conversations. I have put on around 10 kg since January time, many of my clothes no longer fit me. Alhough difficult I know its a good thing and I can now get new clothes:p  I may not like my legs, I may still look in the mirror and feel big but they are strong, I can cycle, run, and swim and most importanly I feel happy. On my last ride someone commented on how much  I have improved, my speeds are the best they have ever been.  I want to be able to share with people that recovery is possible that you can go from the lowest, deepest dark hole, to that of a functional person who has a whole life ahead of them. After about 5 hospital admissions I am happy to say that I have made it through. I know I still have some way to go, gaining weight is almost the easy part its dealing with my head that takes the work. However I didn't get ill overnight so it isn't going to disappear overnight so I just have to be patient.

After all that.... This weekend has been pretty awesome too. I spent it at Andys we made pizzas on Saturday night from scratch-yep that included the dough!!!

 Pizza ingredients-yep that is mango:p 

Andy was such a good dough kneader!!

We even made cheesy dough sticks. 

My toppings included goats cheese, peppers, mushrooms, mango and emmental cheese. Oh and a bbq sauce base so so nice. 

We are making them again next Sunday for the rest of the family and letting them pre order them:p think I we may do some garlic bread too.  I have never made my own pizza dough before but they were so so nice, and the only ingredients in the dough was whole-wheat and white flour, pinch of salt, two tablespoons of olive oil, and water. It was so much fun too, can have whatever toppings you fancy. 

Have you ever made pizza? 

for those that have gained weight how did you feel when you got their? Also how long did it take to get your periods back? 

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train? 

date number 2;)

So quick catch up. my apts went okay on monday. really well with the dietician. reassured me about the sessions with her as I felt I was needing to see her and she works alot different outside the unit and sees people obviously on an out patient basis. One of my goals untill I next see her is to incoeperate more carbs that don#t form the basis of fruit> apperently 5-% of your intake is meant to be carbs. So that is my goal and today have managed that I had a bowl or porridge pre run and some pearl barley when I got back followed by a bowl of fruit and yogurt. tonight was my first run and I was quite impressed with myself managed to run a 5k run which took 27 minutes. i did stop and start a bit but overall went well. i used my garmin 750 even though its aimed at bikes its okay to take on runs.

DATE


So sunday night went quite well. We had lots of conversation I even asnwered the dreaded question "what food do you like?" lol he told me he never cooks!! hasnt even used his over!! said I would cook one evening for him. He is actually quite sweet he text me shortly after he dropped me of said he was very shy but had a nice evening and would like to meet again. At the moment I would say we are friends but I guess it could lead to more. Tonight I am meeting him for a DVD night at his. He said he would either drop me back or he would go on the sofa, I would rather come back to mine as have to get things ready for college and usually go on a walk pre college. So I will update further on how it goes.

In other news I am for the first time starting to really see how my body looks and sometimes feel ashamed yes ashamed in a good way. I dont like it that my chest bones stick out. In the past I liked it as it showed how thin I was but the last two evening that I went out I felt the need to cover them up so I dont look so emaciated. yes in the past I am ashamed to say that I wanted that look. I still see my thighs as big I always have done though and in the past I had freaked when my chest starting to get bigger as it meant I was a "women" and I never wanted to appear attractive to the other kind because of my past hisotory and it has been one of the reasons that has kept me in the ed for so long. so I feel this is a bit of a relevation that I am starting to dislike my "anorexic body" as such. However I still feel too scared to eat more. I am going to see what my weight does over the next few weeks and hopefully eridicate the purging/bingeing which I have done for the past week but had one slip up but is such an improvement from my once a day. Then I may speak with the dietican and my psychologist in overcoming the beast that has dominated my life but will no longer dominate my life.

Hope everyone is having a good evening.