Injured again:(

Dear lord I seem to spend half my life recovering from an injury. This one is another reality check for me. I am not quite sure how it happened. But I think it was from Body Pump, and also perhaps as my boyfriend said from pushing my body too much:( That particular day, I went for a swim at 8am, pilates at 9, followed by body pump then body combat. My back felt a little sore on tuesday evening, However the next day it was so painful, I could barely walk without being in so much pain. It was also affecting my breathing. I tried to get an appointment with my sports massager, but couldn't see her until next tuesday. My mum told me to see a chiropractor. Although I don't really have the money at the moment, I knew I had to see someone. He knew what it was from just looking at my back... Thoracic back pain. This was why I was finding it hard to breathe. It was too inflamed to treat their and then but he did put some bio freeeze stuff on to help with the inflammation and told me to ice, rest, and take some anti inflammatories.

It feels a lot better today, well I can breathe without being in pain, and also move without pain. But it is still quite sore and have stayed of the exercise. It is another shocking  reminder of having osteoporosis, sometimes its easy to forget the damage that anorexia has done to my body; weakened bones, kidney problems, digestive problems, and thats just some of the physical side effects. However when I get injured, it then hits me in the face I can't change my past, I can't change the damage that I have done but I have the power to change the future. Those who've been reading my blog know I have been trying to gain weight, which I have managed to do. However I actually haven't weighed myself for a few weeks as have been too scared too. I need to try next week at some point, but I know I have put some on but am scared of seeing it face to face. I know I really need my periods back, and I don't want to have that dreaded hunch back that you see from women with osteoporosis I want to be able to exercise and not be in constant pain. I'm determined to not let the injury get me down. I am having some treatment tomorrow and he says its nothing too serious.

In the meantime, I have been getting as much calcium as possible, and trying to eat as much as I can. I just wish that sometimes the thoughts would leave me alone. Hasn't this illness done enough???!!! Every pain I get in some strange way, helps me. Perhaps its my body telling me that enough is enough, if I want to lead a normal life I can't stay underweight, I need to get my periods back, and need to reach a healthy weight. Despite knowing what I need and want to do, the mirror still lies. I still see myself as big when I look in the mirror, some days are worse than others. I wonder if it will always be this way but I will find ways to live with it. How come I understand my illness so much, but still don't understand it enough to be fully recovered. At the moment, I am faking it till I make it, eating but scared of putting on weight, but still doing it. I know it will be worth it in the end.

However my easter was really lovely. Had the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. Got spoilt and brought some of my favourite things. I most be the only person that gets excited over having cereal bars as an easter gift!!!

Easter gifts from my boyfriend he knows me very well:p 

I made these protein bars today from this blog, they were so simple and easy to make. I used chocolate protein powder. 

 Homemade protein bars

Cereal bowl contains cottage cheese, greek yogurt, bran flakes, o's munch, apple, and peanut butter.

If I could live of cereal I seriously would, love it so much. Had this creation 3 times today. Plan of action for the weekend is rest, a local food and drink fayre, weekend with my boyfriend, and to not lose my mind through not exercising. Oh and to hope this bloudly back pain gets easier. 

What food could you eat and never get bored of? 

Any advice on overcoming distorted body image? 

A reality check

Yesterday was I feel a milestone in my recovery. I had an appointment firstly with an assessment to have some therapy with someone from EDA, these are a charity that offer support and advice to those suffering with any eating disorder. It went okay, and I am on the waiting list to see someone to look specifically at the reasons behind my anorexia, which is something  I have never really touched upon and now I feel in the right space to be able to do it. Afterwards was my appointment with my dietician...

She asked me how I was, said I was okay. Weight had gone up, I firstly went in with the intention of doing a plan to maintain for a few weeks as had recently been finding the weight gain side of things quite difficult.

However when I told her about my stress fracture, she was very brutally honest with me and said that this was a sign that my body is not liking where it is right now, and reminded me the shocking truth about what osteoporosis can do to you in the future:

The thing is I know this, I know the dangers, I know from all the literature I have read on stress fractures, not getting periods, being under weight, all the damage it does to your body but the anorexia can almost convince you that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU, well my folks it has and it will do. Having the bones of a 70 year old at  25 years of age is a scary reality. 

We worked out my BMR, and what calories I need to maintain on, and also the scary part what I need to gain weight on. I only actually managed to gain weight when I went away to Bath as wasn't exercising. But exercise is an important part of my life and my recovery. So I am going to try and build up to this amount that I need to gain on.I am not going to lie I am scared by this process. 

Something also quite scary happened when I left the train station, almost like someone up their has been watching over me.... I saw this old women cycling but she was completely hunched over her back was so bent and I thought crap I don't want this, I need to recover, I need to gain weight. The one thing that helps osteoporosis is being at a healthy weight, somewhere I haven't been for nearly ten years. But its not just about helping osteoporosis, my concentration, having energy to see me through the day, one day I want to have children and the more I don't have my period for the less chance I have of this happening. 

Its no wonder I had a stress fracture!

After my appointment I went to the supermarket to pick up something for my shift at work, getting some of the foods my dietician had suggested which was more protein and calcium. But me and supermarkets never really tend to mix, I go in and get so overwhelmed with everything in their and end up coming out with nothing.  I was really very annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry. So mad and how much I want this but when it comes to a simply thing of shopping I kind of get a bit stuck. I was also working so not really having much chance to sit down and eat a proper meal as my work are idiots and won't give me a break even though I worked from 5-11pm, so this meant taking lots of nakd bars to see me through my shift, and a big bag of dried fruit. 

However, despite the confusion going in my brain, and how sometimes the eating disorder overides my normal thought process.  I have one thing on my side determination, I am determined to fight this illness. It has stolen so much of my life and I refuse to not let it steal anymore. I have supportive friends, family, and an amazing boyfriend whom I never thought I would meet someone like him. I also have the running, cycling, to spur me on, and that I want to be a successful occupational therapist to help others recover from any illness. 

Best Recovery meal ever!!!

For those in the UK today, its pancakes day!!! I am going to a pancake place this evening with my best friend, can't wait its been too long. Think I will go for a savoury one, maybe goats cheese and sundried tomatoes. 

What is your favourite topping? 

Do you ever get overwhelmed in the supermarket? 

stress fracture and upgrading meals

Oh how the weeks fly, I've had another week of work which has been nice and have all of next week off too!! I am really not wanting to go back to work when I do return I just hope that my new job starts soon. Anyway I saw my GP yesterday as my knee pain still wasn't clearing up. She examined me, and said it sounds like it could be a stress fracture. I mean its not a certain diagnosis as it doesn't show up on scans but because I have osteoporosis, haven't had periods for years and the weight that I am and the high impact of running; it seems probable.

So so upset, annoyed, and  frustrated!!! I am going on the pill again so I can start producing oestrogen. I went on it last summer, but I stopped taking it as was in a good place and wanting to get my periods back naturally and was also feeling sick from taking it. So am going to take it again, and their are other ones if I can't put up with the side effects. I am also trying to gain weight, but this is easier said than done. I next get to see my dietican a week on Monday. I'm trying to get as much calcium as possible and rest my body. My GP told me I couldn't run, I hope one day I can. I miss it so much, and get so jealous even seeing people being able to run on the treadmill. I have another sports massage booked for next Friday so will be able to get some more advice. I've been icing it lots, stretching my IT band as well. Really hope it recovers soon:(

This morning I baked some cookies, which seemed to relax me somewhat.

These were adapted from Katys blog oatmeal raisin cookies I used cashew butter instead of peanut butter and a mashed banana. I dropped one off to my lovely boyfriend at work along with a roll with cheese, ham, and salad.

As I was getting my breakfast I was thinking about how its changed, and how easy it is when increasing what your eating to simply upgrade your current food. My breakfast was simply some just some oats made with water and the odd bit of fruit!! Not particulary that inticing and certainly not enough to see me through a workout. Now my breakfast contains, a bigger portions of oats, flaxseeds (some healthy omega 3 fats!!) , loads of strawberries, some natural yogurt, and honey:

How do you upgrade your foods? 

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train? 

Occupational health and time of the month

This post may be a bit long winded as I have a lot to gabble about;)

Firstly yesterday was a tad stressful-I had occupational health to visit for my course that is to start in September. I am hopefully going to train to be an occupational therapist a career that I feel passionate can make a real difference to people's lives. Having activities in my life has helped me so much with my condition, and I really feel  that I have a lot to offer people in helping them in their recovery; be that a mental, physical, social, or any difficulty... anyway.

(yes cocktail drinking is an activity!)


I had to see someone at Bournemouth hospital which is a 3 hr car journey, I have been worried about it for months because of my past and current history battling anorexia and depression. Although I am well on my way to recovery and have come on a long way I still need some support and am not 100% recovered. I do hope that one day I can say that I am:) I was told my many it was a formality for them to make sure they have support in place for me. But when I was told that I need to get my GP and CPN to provide further details especially as I mentioned I have been in supported housing for nearly 2 years. I broke down I couldn't control the tears, I want to go to uni so badly I am more than ready from it. I am well aware that the course is stressful but over the past two years I have had more than my far share of stress..

 with my Mum nearly dying from her 3 rd overdose, a close friend dying, my sister taking an overdose. AND... I have had no more admissions, my weight hasn't dropped low. I have been able to get things back on track. 

I do have the support of my GP and CPN and they just have to provide details of my current illness, any events, what support I have been getting, and if my weight has been stable over the past two years. She was also concerned that I hadn't done any work for about 5 years, its a good job I do have a job now. However on a plus she did email the university to ask if they can reserve a place in halls for me. I am trying not to think the worst that I won't be allowed to start, I feel more than ready to go to university.

In other news ( women's stuff mentioned)


A few weeks ago I mentioned about trying out the contraceptive pill. I visited my GP and she prescribed it to me as I have a lot of concerns about my bone health (have osteoporosis) and about one day being able to have kids. So she suggested I go on one. I was feeling quite sick from taking it and If I was gaining weight I wanted to get my periods back naturally as that would mean my body would be healthy:) so I stopped taking it I took it for maybe two weeks. Anyway this morning I had a bleed. How I felt...shocked, scared, relieved, pleased It means that hopefully my bones are not degrading as we speak and that I am able to have kids.

 I didn't expect it tbh as I only took the pill for two weeks.  However I know its not getting my period back naturally. I am going to speak to my GP next week and ask her advice on whether I should continue taking it or not. Today did feel a bit surreal I haven't had my period for about 5 years and obviously had no stuff, so had to get the bus in to town, get some pads and tampons. I remember I did use to wear tampons but really wouldn't have a clue how they urm work so I have used pads today. Oh my I am sorry if this is tmi but I need somewhere to talk about it. I felt like a 15 year old girl again. 

Which finally brings me today, where I saw my CPN which helped eased my mind about occupational health. Then went to the gym. Managing to run again on the treadmill, going to start off slowly this time Then I met a friend for a drink. We met at an EDA support group, she was ill for about 4 years then she just decided that she didn't want to be this way anymore and started to eat again. She is now fully recovered and takes part in triathlons. We both talked about how exercise has been beneficial in eating disorder recovery, yes I would exercise when I deep in anorexia but that was just walking miles and miles.

 But you can't run or cycle on no food. I want to get stronger at cycling and running and know you can't do that when your underweight and not eating enough. Exercise makes me feel so damn good I love feeling myself get faster and improving. She inspired me to look in to doing triathletes. I mean I cycle, I can run, and swim and maybe it will be a good laugh. She says the ones she does are more warm ups for the serious atheletes who do iron mans. We talked about how great life is no longer being controlled by an eating disorder. However I did feel a bit idk shocked that she just could snap out of it just like that I sometimes wish that would have been the case for me. But I guess recovery is a journey?

Tonight I cooked a lemony lentil dahl:

I then decided it looked quite lonely in the bowl so roasted some butternut squash and more mushrooms

Will upload the recipe tomorrow. Got some portions to freeze too.

How has exercise helped you? Doesn't have to be ed related 
Any experiences of university? 

Busy day and dietican appointment

So today it feels like I haven't stopped. I have had a very productive day. I started the morning of with something a bit different for me!! My usual oats and chopped banana but this time with the addition of some chocolate powder. Oh my I was in love-seriously why have I never tried this before

well sorry for the bad light in the photo. After brekkie I went to my local gym to my first ever body jam class and my god did I need carbs to get me threw that one! Was very energetic but also good fun. 

Dietitian Appointment

This went okay also, was good to get some advice about y intake when I am working on the bar and as I had a suspicion I do need to be eating more when I am working and she said I need to put my energy requirements higher when doing my BMR of what I need to have daily. She is also very pleased with how I am doing being back at home, working. Especially as she knew me from my days of being admitted at the in patient unit where we had a bit of an hateful relationship well my ed hating her for feeding me lol. But now I have a lot of trust in her and she has been really useful with ways to include fats and suggestions for sources of protein, calcium etc. 

We also chatted about my thoughts of gaining weight and how it will benefit me in having kids, preserving my bone structure which does scare the crap out of me as I have osteoporosis. She said I would need to take in an extra 100-150 calories a day regularly to see an 0.2-0.5 kg increase, I thought it would have been more but guess the weight gain is slow. It has given me "food for thought" excuse the pun. I guess I am scared as to how my body will change. 

So after my appointment I had a look around town and took back some trousers from newlook. I have eaten precisely 8 nectarines today yes 8!! Oh my. I do love my fruit though and they are just so sweet and juicy I have been trying to food budget but is quite hard. This evening I made myself something extra special but I will reveal that for WIAW. 

Any ideas of how to eat healthy as a student?

The pill

So I saw my GP today and spoke to her about my concerns of fertility and bone damage and she suggested that if I wanted to I could go on the contraceptive pill which releases hormones and may give me a period at the end of the cycle you take the pill for 21 days. Also with releasing hormones it will hopefully help with my osteoporosis.I can't remember the last time I had a period. The only thing that concerns me is the weight gain side of it but I guess it is just one side effect and I may not get it. 

Other news I am managing to not count calories as in right them down on my spread sheet I am still aware of what I am eating and tbh it is so ingrained in me I no longer need to even look at the packets of stuff as I know too much even the fat and carb levels -ugh not good. some days I will check it before I go bed if I am feeling wobbley about what I have eaten but I sort of look at my meals more in nutrition terms ie needing some protein, carbs, minerals, vitamins and yes fat too that one I still struggle with. Though this evening I went out for dinner with a friend and had a huge veggie stir fry with cashew nuts their was like loads of rice like a mini igloo lol and I ate it all up and it was really nice. 

This morning I went to the gym and did a 5k on the treadmill managed to do it in just under 30 minutes and put the speed up towards the end lol as I wanted to get it to under 30 minutes. I am still a bit scared to run on the road not because I don't think I can do it but because of people seeing me. Everyone in my village knows I have an ed and its quite a busy body village and worried that people will be like oh she's losing weight again running! which isn't the case exercise has immensely helped my ed. it doesn't bother me when im cycling as I am in a helmet and can sort of hide. hoping i will build up the courage soon I also don;t like men beeping at me and this happens even when I am walking as its a fairly main road. 

anyway tomorrow I will be going out with some friends from college which will be fun I hope bit nervous about it but I am sure after a few drinks I will talk like its no tomorrow lol