RIP

Okay most of this was meant to be published monday afternoon so I drafted it up, however monday afternoon took a turn for the worst where one of my close friends took an overdose and died. She has had mental health problems most of her life and I could relate to her so much we both shared similar childhoods with regards to our past and she had to deal with terrifying flashbacks too. It wasn't her time to go, she was barely 20 and we celebrated togeather. life is so unfair. It has hit me hard, and I am trying to fight through all the negative thoughts I have but it is so hard.

 The rest of what I have intended to post seems irrelevant. I know this isn't a particular happy post, and I didn't want my blog to turn in to an emo sort of diary, but I just need somewhere to vent too and to blog about the loss of a special friend. She will always be in my thoughts, and it will take me a while to overcome this. Depression is a horrible illness and she shouldn't have had to go through all this. I am not going to lie I have myself tried to kill myself on a number of occasions but I don't feel I ever wanted to really die and I don't think Rachel did as well.

RIP my friend

Hope everyone is keeping well

I have been absent from blogging for a while, mainly because things have been quite difficult. I have found out that I won’t be able to commence uni this September. I have passed occupational health but the University are insistent that I cannot start until the following year. I have called, practically begging to see if they could change their mind as feel more than ready to start but they seem to think that because I saw a dietician back in March and that I have just left supported housing that I will find the course too challenging, not the academic part but the practical placement. I disagree but who am I too say!?

I am currently trying the fake it till I make it. Trying to look on the bright side of things, that it will mean I can save up, get some experience, good at cooking, improve my fitness levels, have some fun. But then there is the otherside of it where I feel that I have failed that I have let myself down. Then there is the scary part of my age and how I feel old, that the ed has stolen so many years of my life; which to be fair it had. But I am determined to not let it steal anymore from me.

So right now I am going to be working in wetherspoons which isn’t too bad, and in the meantime I have applied to work on the NHS bank and also going to apply for a temporary auxiliary nurse position on a ward. I am also going to join a running group. I really want to meet people with similar interests to me and exercise is something I really enjoy and would be great to meet people through that. I am also going to save up for a better bike, mine was the lower end of an entry level bike and I really want a new one.

My current bike

Well I did have some fun the other day and visited alton towers and stayed in the hotel too!! It was really great to let my hair down although I probably let it down a little too much. I loved the air ride best. I also went swimming in a sort of water park, and I even wore a bikini for the first time in about 6 years!! and I felt okay in it. My friend said to me that I was getting a  pack!! and I actually though my stomach was toned and that my thighs aren't really that bad even though the ed at times has told me otherwise. 

Okay I promise I don't just drink cocktails when I go out!! 

I learnt a lesson too, that I really need to learn how to control my drink more I just don't know when to stop and that although I am 25, mentally I am a lot younger. I feel that through being ill with anorexia I haven’t had time to properly grow up and right now I am learning that stage. It is quite difficult as I almost feel stuck in a nieve 18 year olds mindset and really do not feel 25 I don’t have the same experiences as what a 25 year old has had. Even though I had to grow up quickly in terms of a practical sense as my Mum has been ill with mental health problems I haven’t had the same life experiences with men, socialising, work etc.

I suppose right now I am coming around to the thought of taking a year out to properly get myself well for University so I am ready to face anything!! I know that going backwards is not an option. I could have quite easily said screw it all and let my negative thoughts take over.. But I refuse to let anorexia take anymore of my life away. I will be trying out lots of different recipes, and also improve my general fitness. Building up for a 10 k. I know I

 am not 100% recovered and still have some things to work on, but know I will get their with time. 

anyone had to take a year out from university because of the their health? I am on the look out for new some snack ideas. Currently been on the nakd and trek bars and oatcakes with nut butters. But trying to expand my horisons. 

Determination

PRE-WARNING: This is going to be a fairly long post, so if you read all this I am very impressed

Determination- I have always been extremely determined and in the past this has been somewhat negative where I have been determined to see a number go down on the scale where I have done absolutely  anything to lose weight. Where this determination has made me sick, made me enter hospital on a number of occasions, made me lose friendships, try to take my own life and just damn right miserable. 

I have also been determined to fight for support and help, I had to wait an extremely long time before I could go into hospital on my last admissions and I was extremely sick where I was in and out of general wards alot, but I never gave up I continued to keep myself well so I could live. This may sound dramatic from people who don't know me at the time but it was so scary how long I had to wait at the state I was in. 

However now I like to use my determination in a positive light. I had to fight to receive therapy on the NHS which believe me was a difficult task but I am glad I did as I am now able to overcome many of the issues I had with relations to males, the flashbacks that haunted me day and night and what triggered of my eating disorder. 

I am now determined to improve my running:

Run today-5 miles-pace-8.06-40.09 minutes

Get my body healthy

To get myself to college where I achieved 28 distinctions, make friends, do things that the eating disorder has stopped me doing for so many years. 

Well this now brings me to the uni situation.On Wednesday when I had received an email from the University that said that I wasn't able to start this year and have to defer to next year because in their words: it is the decision of the academic team that because you are in receipt of ongoing and substantial input from mental health services and because of the recency of your symptoms related to your condition we will not be able to make the neccesary adjustments. 

In my opinion this is completely wrong, my condition has improved, I had a referal back in March to  a dietician as had a minor blip due to a close friend dying. I am going to be hopefully discharged from services once I have settled in and I haven't even asked for any adjustments. 

This is only the start of the pa-larva. I called up occupational health the next day as I was meant to see them this Monday and they haven't heard anything about me not starting this year!! as far as they were concerned I was going to have my health clearance on Monday as they required some additional information from my GP of my future prognosis and suitability to the course. The women I spoke to was really nice and even she agreed with me when I said it feels like discrimination as their are plenty of people with health conditions that are on courses and if someone with a medical problem was wanting to start they would have no issue with them seeing a nurse for appointments.  

So finally me being as determined as I am rang up Human rights I had a reference number as I contacted them before when I went and saw the University a few weeks back. They said to me it is direct discrimination as even if I did make some requests like time out for appointments they have to show that they have made reasonable adjustments and are not allowed to disallow me on the course when I have health clearance from my Doctor. 

Occupational health still want to see me on Monday, and it really is so frustrating and depressing not knowing whether I can go to university or not. My work think I am going on the 17th September I haven't been able to tell them the situation. I have spent my whole summer excited about University even bought some books. It has been difficult to carry on with life, eating, socialising. But I am determined

 Banana and maple cookies

 Baked squash with feta

 Sausage and butterbean bake with roasted butternut squash

Mammoth bowl of cereal with greek yogurt and chopped apple

All through life we face challenges and in the past I have dealt with these in a negative light. But not any longer, I am now turning my determination in a positive light One of the reasons I am most upset about university is i feel really old. Battling an eating disorder has meant I have missed out on so much life and I try to not dwell on it but at times it is hard but it makes me all the more reason to fight, and continue as I know that going back is not an option. I want a life and will do whatever it takes to grasp it, and if that means I have to wait a year longer for Uni then so be it. I mean I don't even look 18 not alone 25! Also mentally I do feel about 19 like I am just starting my life, as I feel the eating disorder has somewhat stalled me growing up So my plan if I don't get to university this year is:

• Join a running club and enter some races
• improve on my cycling
• save as much money as I can
• Continue to see my friends and socilaise a lot and of course have a few drinkies:p
• Join match.com lol
• get some healthcare related experience their is some jobs on the nhs website which I think I will apply for. 
• Get good at baking and cooking!! although I can cook, their are so many recipes I want to try and practise makes perfect. 
• Treat myself out to a cake or sweet treat in a cafe. I don't think I have ever done this and their is this nice little veggie/vegan cafe where I live that makes the most amazing cakes and I am yet to have one.
• Raise some money for a dementia charity. 

Well that's all folks, yep I told you it was long. I have also shared some personal information which I am not sure how I feel about but I am in a place where I want to be able to help others and I am hoping that others reading this can seek support and feel that they are not alone. 

 I will have more information on Monday when I again have to go down to Bournemouth to see the occupational health nurse and I am still non the wiser sure on whether I can go this year or not. 

Anyone took a year out before university? what did you do? Do you have determination? Favourite comfort food?