Injured again:(

Dear lord I seem to spend half my life recovering from an injury. This one is another reality check for me. I am not quite sure how it happened. But I think it was from Body Pump, and also perhaps as my boyfriend said from pushing my body too much:( That particular day, I went for a swim at 8am, pilates at 9, followed by body pump then body combat. My back felt a little sore on tuesday evening, However the next day it was so painful, I could barely walk without being in so much pain. It was also affecting my breathing. I tried to get an appointment with my sports massager, but couldn't see her until next tuesday. My mum told me to see a chiropractor. Although I don't really have the money at the moment, I knew I had to see someone. He knew what it was from just looking at my back... Thoracic back pain. This was why I was finding it hard to breathe. It was too inflamed to treat their and then but he did put some bio freeeze stuff on to help with the inflammation and told me to ice, rest, and take some anti inflammatories.

It feels a lot better today, well I can breathe without being in pain, and also move without pain. But it is still quite sore and have stayed of the exercise. It is another shocking  reminder of having osteoporosis, sometimes its easy to forget the damage that anorexia has done to my body; weakened bones, kidney problems, digestive problems, and thats just some of the physical side effects. However when I get injured, it then hits me in the face I can't change my past, I can't change the damage that I have done but I have the power to change the future. Those who've been reading my blog know I have been trying to gain weight, which I have managed to do. However I actually haven't weighed myself for a few weeks as have been too scared too. I need to try next week at some point, but I know I have put some on but am scared of seeing it face to face. I know I really need my periods back, and I don't want to have that dreaded hunch back that you see from women with osteoporosis I want to be able to exercise and not be in constant pain. I'm determined to not let the injury get me down. I am having some treatment tomorrow and he says its nothing too serious.

In the meantime, I have been getting as much calcium as possible, and trying to eat as much as I can. I just wish that sometimes the thoughts would leave me alone. Hasn't this illness done enough???!!! Every pain I get in some strange way, helps me. Perhaps its my body telling me that enough is enough, if I want to lead a normal life I can't stay underweight, I need to get my periods back, and need to reach a healthy weight. Despite knowing what I need and want to do, the mirror still lies. I still see myself as big when I look in the mirror, some days are worse than others. I wonder if it will always be this way but I will find ways to live with it. How come I understand my illness so much, but still don't understand it enough to be fully recovered. At the moment, I am faking it till I make it, eating but scared of putting on weight, but still doing it. I know it will be worth it in the end.

However my easter was really lovely. Had the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. Got spoilt and brought some of my favourite things. I most be the only person that gets excited over having cereal bars as an easter gift!!!

Easter gifts from my boyfriend he knows me very well:p 

I made these protein bars today from this blog, they were so simple and easy to make. I used chocolate protein powder. 

 Homemade protein bars

Cereal bowl contains cottage cheese, greek yogurt, bran flakes, o's munch, apple, and peanut butter.

If I could live of cereal I seriously would, love it so much. Had this creation 3 times today. Plan of action for the weekend is rest, a local food and drink fayre, weekend with my boyfriend, and to not lose my mind through not exercising. Oh and to hope this bloudly back pain gets easier. 

What food could you eat and never get bored of? 

Any advice on overcoming distorted body image? 

Sleep and bargains

I called my GP this morning as I have been having big problems trying to sleep,and it has led to night time eating which is also quite distressing. I tend to over think and this uni situation is on my mind and at night it is ten times worse and I just can't switch off. So I have been given some sleeping pills. I really love my GP she is the one doctor I have seen that really gets anorexia in an almost scary way like she has been their too. I told her the situation with uni and she said to me " I didn't say this, but you should get a lawyer" I am hoping it won't come to that, but on Wednesday I will be sending an email and my community team that I still see will be sending another letter in with the email. I need to hear this week not in a few weeks time I am meant to start uni in less than a month!!! I hate not being able to sleep it is so important for good mental and physical well being. 

Bargains

I like myself a good old bargain. Especially being a student where I know I need to watch the pennies. Well yesterday I was out with Mum and Dad and we happened to be near a sainsburys and it was close to closing time so... the perfect opportunity to get lots of reduced food. I used to this a lot when I lived more close to supermarkets but if you go a few hours before they finish trading they reduce all the fresh produce. Well this is what I managed to pick up:

Most of the veg was 30p-this was 200g organic carrots, 250g fresh beetroot, 4 taste the difference flat mushrooms, fruit salad of mango, pineapple and grapes, bunched parsley, fresh watermelon. 

Non-reduced stuff was natural cottage cheese, 3 nut butters! they have a 1/3 of their nut butters at the mo and I stocked up on almond, cashew, and chocolate chip peanut butter ( I am addicted to the chocolate chip one!!), some museli, and pink lady apples, also not pictured was a cherry pie for my Dad which was also reduced to 59p. All in all this came too £9.80. I used some of the carrots in a stew I made this evening, and had some of the mushrooms stuffed with cheese and seeds. 

Exercise today was one of my long bike rides. But it wasn't as good as I have done before and was a bit dissapointed. Did 40 miles and an average speed of 16mph their were some hills.  but I think I need a rest day as my legs felt so heavy. So tomorrow will be a leg rest day! I am at work all day so won't get the anxious feeling that I sometimes get when I am not exercising as my job is fairly active on my feet all the time. For lunch today after my ride I had a meal I haven't had in a while, quick, easy and fairly cheap!! Beans on toast with some low fat cheddar:

I met a friend for coffee this afternoon which was nice. Told her about my Uni situation and she thinks its ridiculous. She said how much better I look from when I did the access course and that I look healthy!! Even a few months back those words would have shuddered down my spine, but I want recovery so bad. 

I am nearly at a healthy weight and I really never thought that would be possible. I thought my life was the ed  that it was me. I thought it would have killed me, I didn't want  a womanly body, I wanted to stay childlike. But now I want a life so badly, I want to have kids one day, I want to lead a normal life hopefully be an inspiration to others and help others overcome their problems.  

I spent some time this evening cooking my favourite dish a Morocan chickpea stew: 

This time I added some peppers, I usually use loads of mushrooms but peppers were on offer for £1 in asda. originally recipe is here. 

Well I am back at work tomorrow, at least it will keep me distracted. Hoping I sleep okay tonight. 

anyone else make meals to freeze? favourite thing to cook? do you find rest days difficult?