long time no see!!!

Well it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, and I dont think I will be updating it more regulary until I am in a better frame of mind as I wanted it to be positive, and more recovery focused on living a life free from anorexia and not engaging with the illness and feeling like I want to die all the time. 


An update to be brief and I guess matter of fact, the funeral was two weeks ago, I thought I could cope with it but clearly I couldn't. Their was a get together at the pub where haven't not eaten all day I drank 3 glasses of wine and then went on  a self destructive route where I couldn't stop myself banging my head on a car window had to be restrained by a member of staff, I went up with the people from whom I was in supported housing with. I came back home well got dropped off. Took an overdose, came out the next day, the day after that took another overdose, it was partly planned had written goodbye letters to everyone. Got saw by the psych, seen by the crisis team. The following day let out, then the day after decided again I can't cope so went to totnes with the intention of not eating and drinking and just dying in a nice b and b. eventually saw matt a support worker whom I am very close too and someone from the crisis team. They suggested hospital nooo I can't go not today, I am fine I won't do it again I just want to be left alone. no such luck ended up agreeing to go. 


Depression and anorexia is the worst it has ever been, I tried to escape again on monday after some more bad news that I won't go into. Ran away to newton abbot, completely out of mind didn't know what I was doing, and here I am still in the psych ward under section 2. Appealing against it though.

Where am I now???


I am fighting for survival, I have so much support from close friends and family. The psych is amazing, as are most of the staff. Although they don't fully understand anorexia, they do want to help. I realise that this is a big set back, but when has life ever been plain sailing when has their ever been one easy road to fall down too. I have't given up hope that I can be well again. I have done it once before, I am slowly starting to eat again and utilise the support that I have. I know myself incredibly well and know what works for me. 

RIP

Okay most of this was meant to be published monday afternoon so I drafted it up, however monday afternoon took a turn for the worst where one of my close friends took an overdose and died. She has had mental health problems most of her life and I could relate to her so much we both shared similar childhoods with regards to our past and she had to deal with terrifying flashbacks too. It wasn't her time to go, she was barely 20 and we celebrated togeather. life is so unfair. It has hit me hard, and I am trying to fight through all the negative thoughts I have but it is so hard.

 The rest of what I have intended to post seems irrelevant. I know this isn't a particular happy post, and I didn't want my blog to turn in to an emo sort of diary, but I just need somewhere to vent too and to blog about the loss of a special friend. She will always be in my thoughts, and it will take me a while to overcome this. Depression is a horrible illness and she shouldn't have had to go through all this. I am not going to lie I have myself tried to kill myself on a number of occasions but I don't feel I ever wanted to really die and I don't think Rachel did as well.

RIP my friend

Hope everyone is keeping well

I have been absent from blogging for a while, mainly because things have been quite difficult. I have found out that I won’t be able to commence uni this September. I have passed occupational health but the University are insistent that I cannot start until the following year. I have called, practically begging to see if they could change their mind as feel more than ready to start but they seem to think that because I saw a dietician back in March and that I have just left supported housing that I will find the course too challenging, not the academic part but the practical placement. I disagree but who am I too say!?

I am currently trying the fake it till I make it. Trying to look on the bright side of things, that it will mean I can save up, get some experience, good at cooking, improve my fitness levels, have some fun. But then there is the otherside of it where I feel that I have failed that I have let myself down. Then there is the scary part of my age and how I feel old, that the ed has stolen so many years of my life; which to be fair it had. But I am determined to not let it steal anymore from me.

So right now I am going to be working in wetherspoons which isn’t too bad, and in the meantime I have applied to work on the NHS bank and also going to apply for a temporary auxiliary nurse position on a ward. I am also going to join a running group. I really want to meet people with similar interests to me and exercise is something I really enjoy and would be great to meet people through that. I am also going to save up for a better bike, mine was the lower end of an entry level bike and I really want a new one.

My current bike

Well I did have some fun the other day and visited alton towers and stayed in the hotel too!! It was really great to let my hair down although I probably let it down a little too much. I loved the air ride best. I also went swimming in a sort of water park, and I even wore a bikini for the first time in about 6 years!! and I felt okay in it. My friend said to me that I was getting a  pack!! and I actually though my stomach was toned and that my thighs aren't really that bad even though the ed at times has told me otherwise. 

Okay I promise I don't just drink cocktails when I go out!! 

I learnt a lesson too, that I really need to learn how to control my drink more I just don't know when to stop and that although I am 25, mentally I am a lot younger. I feel that through being ill with anorexia I haven’t had time to properly grow up and right now I am learning that stage. It is quite difficult as I almost feel stuck in a nieve 18 year olds mindset and really do not feel 25 I don’t have the same experiences as what a 25 year old has had. Even though I had to grow up quickly in terms of a practical sense as my Mum has been ill with mental health problems I haven’t had the same life experiences with men, socialising, work etc.

I suppose right now I am coming around to the thought of taking a year out to properly get myself well for University so I am ready to face anything!! I know that going backwards is not an option. I could have quite easily said screw it all and let my negative thoughts take over.. But I refuse to let anorexia take anymore of my life away. I will be trying out lots of different recipes, and also improve my general fitness. Building up for a 10 k. I know I

 am not 100% recovered and still have some things to work on, but know I will get their with time. 

anyone had to take a year out from university because of the their health? I am on the look out for new some snack ideas. Currently been on the nakd and trek bars and oatcakes with nut butters. But trying to expand my horisons. 

Determination

PRE-WARNING: This is going to be a fairly long post, so if you read all this I am very impressed

Determination- I have always been extremely determined and in the past this has been somewhat negative where I have been determined to see a number go down on the scale where I have done absolutely  anything to lose weight. Where this determination has made me sick, made me enter hospital on a number of occasions, made me lose friendships, try to take my own life and just damn right miserable. 

I have also been determined to fight for support and help, I had to wait an extremely long time before I could go into hospital on my last admissions and I was extremely sick where I was in and out of general wards alot, but I never gave up I continued to keep myself well so I could live. This may sound dramatic from people who don't know me at the time but it was so scary how long I had to wait at the state I was in. 

However now I like to use my determination in a positive light. I had to fight to receive therapy on the NHS which believe me was a difficult task but I am glad I did as I am now able to overcome many of the issues I had with relations to males, the flashbacks that haunted me day and night and what triggered of my eating disorder. 

I am now determined to improve my running:

Run today-5 miles-pace-8.06-40.09 minutes

Get my body healthy

To get myself to college where I achieved 28 distinctions, make friends, do things that the eating disorder has stopped me doing for so many years. 

Well this now brings me to the uni situation.On Wednesday when I had received an email from the University that said that I wasn't able to start this year and have to defer to next year because in their words: it is the decision of the academic team that because you are in receipt of ongoing and substantial input from mental health services and because of the recency of your symptoms related to your condition we will not be able to make the neccesary adjustments. 

In my opinion this is completely wrong, my condition has improved, I had a referal back in March to  a dietician as had a minor blip due to a close friend dying. I am going to be hopefully discharged from services once I have settled in and I haven't even asked for any adjustments. 

This is only the start of the pa-larva. I called up occupational health the next day as I was meant to see them this Monday and they haven't heard anything about me not starting this year!! as far as they were concerned I was going to have my health clearance on Monday as they required some additional information from my GP of my future prognosis and suitability to the course. The women I spoke to was really nice and even she agreed with me when I said it feels like discrimination as their are plenty of people with health conditions that are on courses and if someone with a medical problem was wanting to start they would have no issue with them seeing a nurse for appointments.  

So finally me being as determined as I am rang up Human rights I had a reference number as I contacted them before when I went and saw the University a few weeks back. They said to me it is direct discrimination as even if I did make some requests like time out for appointments they have to show that they have made reasonable adjustments and are not allowed to disallow me on the course when I have health clearance from my Doctor. 

Occupational health still want to see me on Monday, and it really is so frustrating and depressing not knowing whether I can go to university or not. My work think I am going on the 17th September I haven't been able to tell them the situation. I have spent my whole summer excited about University even bought some books. It has been difficult to carry on with life, eating, socialising. But I am determined

 Banana and maple cookies

 Baked squash with feta

 Sausage and butterbean bake with roasted butternut squash

Mammoth bowl of cereal with greek yogurt and chopped apple

All through life we face challenges and in the past I have dealt with these in a negative light. But not any longer, I am now turning my determination in a positive light One of the reasons I am most upset about university is i feel really old. Battling an eating disorder has meant I have missed out on so much life and I try to not dwell on it but at times it is hard but it makes me all the more reason to fight, and continue as I know that going back is not an option. I want a life and will do whatever it takes to grasp it, and if that means I have to wait a year longer for Uni then so be it. I mean I don't even look 18 not alone 25! Also mentally I do feel about 19 like I am just starting my life, as I feel the eating disorder has somewhat stalled me growing up So my plan if I don't get to university this year is:

• Join a running club and enter some races
• improve on my cycling
• save as much money as I can
• Continue to see my friends and socilaise a lot and of course have a few drinkies:p
• Join match.com lol
• get some healthcare related experience their is some jobs on the nhs website which I think I will apply for. 
• Get good at baking and cooking!! although I can cook, their are so many recipes I want to try and practise makes perfect. 
• Treat myself out to a cake or sweet treat in a cafe. I don't think I have ever done this and their is this nice little veggie/vegan cafe where I live that makes the most amazing cakes and I am yet to have one.
• Raise some money for a dementia charity. 

Well that's all folks, yep I told you it was long. I have also shared some personal information which I am not sure how I feel about but I am in a place where I want to be able to help others and I am hoping that others reading this can seek support and feel that they are not alone. 

 I will have more information on Monday when I again have to go down to Bournemouth to see the occupational health nurse and I am still non the wiser sure on whether I can go this year or not. 

Anyone took a year out before university? what did you do? Do you have determination? Favourite comfort food?

Out with the scales in with the cookies

I have made a decision that I am giving my scales to my Mum and will be weighing myself once a week. It is not normal to weigh myself every day and they never make me happy, I refuse to let a number dictate how I feel.

I have had to calorie count which I really detest doing, but it is for a positive reason as I am reaching a high number so I can put on those pounds. I need to get my period back, and well I want to reach proper recovery. From doing my own research has read if you get X amount (don’t want to say but people can message me if they want to know calories I am aiming for) it is best to nourish all the damage that eating disorders do to yoru body, it also repairs the metabolism so when you get to maintenance you maintain on a higher number:D which is always a good thing as I love to eat!

Sweet potato with cottage cheese and tuna, and some mushrooms.

The meal went really well, although I got drunk so so quickly as we had to wait ages for the food, then we went to a bar and I danced the night away. To eat I had Tandoori Chicken Shatkora which was Tandoori chicken cooked with Shatkora fruit(Bengal citrus fruit) & a blend of spices, some boiled rice and naan!!!  I like indian food but my favorite is defiantly asian style foods like stir frys and buckwheat noodles, and of course my favourite sushi!!

Pushing the boundaries again:

Peanut butter cookies from nicky's blog

They were yum, and didn't even last the day, my Mum had one and I had the rest hehe. First time using fats in cooking and loved them, they were really filling too. Will be making some more very soon Yesterdays food was these and copious bowls of granola and weetabix crunchy bran. It was really all I was craving as had the worse hangover ever!!!

Today was a work day, and the break situation is so annoying!!!:( I did 8 and 1/2 hours today and so got 1x20 minutes and 1x 10, this is fair enough but what isn't fair is having my first break at 11.30, 1 and a half hours which is meant to be "lunch" I asked for 15 minutes and 15 minutes later as I wasn't really that hungry for lunch, and then I didn't get another break until 4pm and that is nearly 5 hours with no food:( this isn't good for my blood sugar levels I need to eat at least every 2 and 1/2 hours sometimes less than this. Luckily I brought some dried fruit with me that I managed to pick at and a small nakd bar which I had when I was meant to be going to the "toliet". Anyway their is nothing I cam do about it so I just have to bring some cereal bars with me and dried fruit and tomorrow is even worse as I am their from 9 to 4 and get just 1 x 20 minute break and no doubt I will get it at like 10.30am which mean I have to go without food until 4pm. I am sorry their is no way I can go that long lol. So plan to bring a trek bar with me:) 

Packed lunch-Goats cheese and fig relish sarnie

Anyone else have to deal with annoying breaks when at college/ work? How do you manage them? 

Anyone else struggle with weighing daily? I am determined to beat this shit!!

Meet Marie

My cookies went down a treat at work:) I really love working at the moment, has given me such a sense of normality and is challenging how I feel about my body, recovery, and just leading a happy life. I wasn't really sure what to blog about today. So I thought I would share some pictures of my cats. Marie used to live with me at my last house but when I moved I couldn't take her with me so she now lives with my Mum and well I am at my Mums until I go Uni.

Marie:

Marie with our other Siamese Ruby

Oh I love my kitty cuddles

Siamese are possible one of the most human like breeds of cats. Marie is almost like a dog, she plays fetch if you chuck her a toy she will bring it back. She cuddles you like a baby and is possibly the most adorable affectionate cat I have ever come across. 

Breakfast number one chopped apple and nectarine with cottage cheese, muelsi, and a dollop of crunchy peanut butter

This afternoon I went on a bike ride covered a hilly terian with average speed of 16 mph and around 35 miles. It has been so sunny today and made the perfect bike riding weather. 

Looks gross but tasted fab, 1/2 cup oats cooked with natural yogurt and water, then added cocoa powder, chopped banana and almond butter. 

This evening I am of out for an indian. I am feeling a bit nervous not because of the food but because of the social side of it. It is someone from works birthday and I don't know her of anyone particularly well. But I am looking forward to it. Ya know I have probably been to an indian resturant once and that was when I was quite sick and this time will be different. Plus I need to gain. want to get my period back. Think a glass of wine will calm my nerves. 

ahhh my hair is so wild at the moment!!! Hope it stays okay. 

Anyone have any pets? Favorite thing at an indian?

Baked for the first time!

Today has been a big achievement for me. I cooked some cookies that I intended to eat. I rarely to bake because I get scared they will turn out wrong, that I will eat them in one sitting. Unlike others with an eating disorder I never really baked for others. I couldn't stand the idea of giving people cakes and cookies that I had no intention of eating and I also got scared that I would lose control. Well I used the recipe from the lovely nicky@kabocha fashion . So I made banana and maple cookies with dried cranberries instead of raisins as didn't have maple syrup so used agave nectar. 

It felt a safe recipe for me as didn't use any oil and it is still a bit of a fear for me. I mean I can eat nut butters, nuts but adding things like butter and oil to my cooking seems like quite a challenge. 

I had one okay that was a lie I maybe had about 4! I have worked out an average calories per serving if anyone wants to know. I do still feel the need to count calories but this is only a temporary thing until I have gained the weight I need. 


Yes you did hear right I am trying to gain, I have said previously that I have had thoughts of gaining weight but I feel the time is now. I want to properly recover from anorexia. One day I want to have kids, I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore, I want to protect by bones I already have osteoporosis I know I can't turn it back but I can protect them.   I feel a normal weight but I am not and so the way my head works if I feel a normal weight I may as well be a normal weight with a functioning body as know the anorexia distorts how I view myself. I may one day share my story on how I got ill and what has kept me with the illness for so long as maybe people can relate. 

Picture of me in some new shorts from Primark , head telling me negative things about my body. But I am going to post it anyway. 

Running Update


This morning I did a longer run than my 5k I planned to go for 5 miles but came in at 4.72 miles, pace was 8:15, and ran for just under 39 minutes.  I haven't been running long, but really starting to enjoy it. I want to enter a few 5k's and am looking in to training for a duathlon or a triathlon, dependent on my swimming lol. I  have planned a gym session tomorrow followed by a swim in the pool. 


What was the last thing you baked? Do you like to cross train?