I have been absent from blogging for a while, mainly because things have been quite difficult. I have found out that I won’t be able to commence uni this September. I have passed occupational health but the University are insistent that I cannot start until the following year. I have called, practically begging to see if they could change their mind as feel more than ready to start but they seem to think that because I saw a dietician back in March and that I have just left supported housing that I will find the course too challenging, not the academic part but the practical placement. I disagree but who am I too say!?

I am currently trying the fake it till I make it. Trying to look on the bright side of things, that it will mean I can save up, get some experience, good at cooking, improve my fitness levels, have some fun. But then there is the otherside of it where I feel that I have failed that I have let myself down. Then there is the scary part of my age and how I feel old, that the ed has stolen so many years of my life; which to be fair it had. But I am determined to not let it steal anymore from me.

So right now I am going to be working in wetherspoons which isn’t too bad, and in the meantime I have applied to work on the NHS bank and also going to apply for a temporary auxiliary nurse position on a ward. I am also going to join a running group. I really want to meet people with similar interests to me and exercise is something I really enjoy and would be great to meet people through that. I am also going to save up for a better bike, mine was the lower end of an entry level bike and I really want a new one.

My current bike

Well I did have some fun the other day and visited alton towers and stayed in the hotel too!! It was really great to let my hair down although I probably let it down a little too much. I loved the air ride best. I also went swimming in a sort of water park, and I even wore a bikini for the first time in about 6 years!! and I felt okay in it. My friend said to me that I was getting a  pack!! and I actually though my stomach was toned and that my thighs aren't really that bad even though the ed at times has told me otherwise. 

Okay I promise I don't just drink cocktails when I go out!! 

I learnt a lesson too, that I really need to learn how to control my drink more I just don't know when to stop and that although I am 25, mentally I am a lot younger. I feel that through being ill with anorexia I haven’t had time to properly grow up and right now I am learning that stage. It is quite difficult as I almost feel stuck in a nieve 18 year olds mindset and really do not feel 25 I don’t have the same experiences as what a 25 year old has had. Even though I had to grow up quickly in terms of a practical sense as my Mum has been ill with mental health problems I haven’t had the same life experiences with men, socialising, work etc.

I suppose right now I am coming around to the thought of taking a year out to properly get myself well for University so I am ready to face anything!! I know that going backwards is not an option. I could have quite easily said screw it all and let my negative thoughts take over.. But I refuse to let anorexia take anymore of my life away. I will be trying out lots of different recipes, and also improve my general fitness. Building up for a 10 k. I know I

 am not 100% recovered and still have some things to work on, but know I will get their with time. 

anyone had to take a year out from university because of the their health? I am on the look out for new some snack ideas. Currently been on the nakd and trek bars and oatcakes with nut butters. But trying to expand my horisons. 

my birthday!!!

So I have been absent for a few days but that has been because I have been so busy. It was birthday yesterday and I had probably the best birthday I have had in a long while. Most of my birthday over the past few years have been horrid as most of those have been spent in hospital! Although I was dreading it because I was turning 25! and I can't tell you how old I feel and it sometimes saddens me when I think of the years wasted because of the ed, but I guess those years have shape the person I am today.

It was the first birthday since I was probably 18 that I felt alive again, like I can see a future ahead of me that for once I am happy. I was amongst friends and for years I have isolated myself where I guess I told myself that I didn't need friends as I had anorexia as a friend well a devil really. Also I felt comfortable in my own body and I felt pretty.

FOr my birthday I went to pizza express where i had one of their allegra pizzas it has a hole in the middle filled with a salad, my pizza contain mozzerella cheese, courgettes, mushrooms, peppers, and I had extra goats cheese. For desert I had a gelato desert with nougat, praline and marsala wine. It was all so nice, I love pizza I should make an effort to eat it more. 


I feel very positive at the moment about my recovery and my future. The ed is very much starting to loosen its grip on me and I feel that I am winning the battle. Today at work I had a meal their for the first time I work in a pub so get 50% of their meals and I had usually been bringing my own in. But I really wanted a roast so had a portabello mushroom and chickpea loaf with veg, stuffing, and 2 huge yorskire puds! I swapped the potatoes for yorksire!!

I have had an all day hangover so not good. however I did try a toffee apple cider.

action packed day

So yesterday I didn't have time to update as it was my first shift at wetherspoons. So in the am I went on one of my long rides....

It was ace, felt so goood whilst \I was out cycling 25 mph on the flat and feeling stronger on the hills defintly noticing that I am improving. Exercise has helped me so much cause I know when I struggle with my eating my time on the bike is awful. My average speed was 15mph and their was some hills to contend with so I was really pleased with that I was out for about 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Breakfast was my usual oats with chopped banana and yogurt, but this time I added some milled flaxseed, cocoa, stawberries and berries. They are really great as are a great source of iron and zinc, and contain healthy fats and fibre so great for the digestive system they are also chocolatly so added bonus!

During my ride I munched some nakd lemon raisins and a high 5 energy gel okay so these aren't the most natural products to use but they sure give you a much needed sugar boost and are easy to digest on the bike. 

When I came back I had a quick shower a re-go shake and then it was ;lunch time which was a simple bowl of pasta with veggies and chicken:

 I have added a giveaway at celery and cupcakes blog I urge you to check it out has some great recipes and is a lovely person. 

Wetherspoons

Before my shift started at 6pm I was in a bit of a rush as I had my psychologist appointment in town and didn't get back till about 4.30 pm so I asked my Mum to make me a sandwich of cashew butter... This is the first time EVER I have let other people make food for me especially something like a sandwich with a filling but I knew that missing food before I started was not an option and it meant I could get ready and not stressed. I need to try and think of new ideas for sandwich fillings as I prefer to eat just before I start so I have something to keep me going for 4 hours.

The shift well I made a few mistakes which I am trying to not dwindle on but the guy said I did really well and they kept asking me if I was okay. 

Their is just so much to learn so any different rums, spirits, lagers, ciders, beers and I am not really a big drinker I don't know a rum from a vodka... and especially when they have big rounds I can never remember what they ordered. But the customers were actually mostly really nice very patient and friendly towards me and the staff were all lovely helping me out and I did sort of enjoy it apart from being knackered and some drunken lads. From being sober you realise how idiotic people can be. 

I need some ideas of quick to prepare meals that I can take. Preferably things that you can eat cold..

So favourite sandwich filling? Meals to prepare ahead? 

exam over!!

well I had my psychology exam today, well its a mock we get two attempts at it and think we get an average grade or something so have another one in two weeks time. but I think I done okay in it, answered the question well I think evaluated the research and used relevant studies just have to wait and see.

Last few days at college have been a bit easier, the end is so near. Just have a biology assignment to do and revise again for the exam.

I think I am going to go out for a drink in newton abbot tonight with rachael. need to get used to going out more. I am going on a long bike ride in a mo so that will help relationlise alcohol calories lol. I have counted calories today, I started too but thought it may freak me out more as I ate quite well before my exam and just had some lunch before my ride and will take some snacks with me. So tonight is a screw you ed day. I am going to enjoy myself and see how far i have come especially with how well I have done in all my previous exams and one day of extra eating and drinking:p is not going to make any difference and tonight I will have something I want to have  ie not a salad maybe their three bean chilli or noodle dish.

Looking forward to the weekend as dont have too much work to do, and have a few nice things planned.